Parenting My Teen

Remember your teenage years? Many parents reminisce about make out parties or drinking their first beers behind the high school, almost as though these things are a rite of passage among the 12-18 year olds.

But teens today are growing up much faster and experiencing adult things much earlier in their lives, even earlier than you might have.

Consider these shocking statistics:

· 47% of high school students have experienced sexual intercourse
· 75% of high school students have consumed significant amounts of alcohol
· 50% of students have tried illegal drugs by the end of high school
· 50% of new HIV infections occur in teens

Statistics from http://sadd.org

These dangerous activities should not be considered rites of passage because they each carry their own sets of dangers. In addition to the risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and unwanted pregnancies parents must now worry about cyberbullying, sexting, powerful new illegal drugs, and predators stalking their unsuspecting victims online through the internet and social media sites.

Here are some tips to preventing your teen from becoming another statistic:

1. Talk honestly with your teen. Yes, kids hear stuff on the bus and from their other friends but who knows if the stories they hear are accurate. Ask your teen about what they’ve heard about these subjects and if they are aware of the very serious consequences. You will likely hear the question, “Did you do this at my age?” which makes parents falter. If your answer is, “Yes,” then answer honestly without glamorizing the behavior. Better to be honest and admit your mistakes than to be called a hypocrite when your teen discovers the truth.

2. Explain the consequences of these actions. Don’t sugar coat any of these dangers. Yes, you can die if you drink and drive or overdose on illegal drugs. HIV is not curable and will affect your future relationships. You might not go to college or achieve your dreams if you become a teen parent. Teens have a very difficult time understanding consequences and television and movies tend to glamorize alcohol and drug use. Even teen parents in the movies make life seem easy. What teens forget about is the number of teens killed in drunk driving accidents and teen mothers who kill their babies.

3. Stay up to date with your teens’ technology. Cell phones, personal computers and social media networks make it all too easy for your teen to get into trouble. Teens can easily send racy photos of themselves or others to a whole network of classmates without realizing this is considered distribution of child pornography in some states. Cyberbullying becomes anonymous and “harmless” when you text from the comfort of your home but the results to the victim can be devestating. And sexual predators know the teen lingo well enough to fool unsuspecting kids into meeting them for often dangerous rendezvous.

4. Talk about news stories involving teens. Sometimes talking about these topics is difficult because they’re abstract concepts. But suddenly a news story about teen pregnancy or drug overdoses puts a face to the problem and makes the problem much more real. Don’t just lecture to your child; ask how they feel about the story, if they know someone who’s been in that situation, or how they would handle a similar situation.

Today’s teens definitely feel more pressure than their parents, both academically and socially. They want to fit in more than ever yet succumbing to peer pressure to try these dangerous things can ultimately destroy their lives along with their family’s lives. Keeping the communication open can help your teen stay straight.

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Anxiety is a normal part of life for most people; however some teens experience a higher level of anxiety than normal.

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety can be described in a couple of different ways:

1. An overwhelming feeling of distress or restlessness, with no hope in sight, and nothing feels right.
2. Everyday occurrences cause one to worry and have “worst case scenario” thoughts on an ongoing basis.

Anxiety in Teens

Because teenagers are going through one of the most difficult times of their lives (hormones are raging, they’re trying to gain some independence, they feel awkward or feel like they don’t fit in, etc.) many teens experience higher levels of anxiety than adults or other teens. Some teens may even experience anxiety over a broken nail, an unexpected low grade on a test, or other seemingly trivial things.

Some anxiety is normal; it serves as a warning sign to protect yourself when you’re in danger. However, high levels of anxiety can cause problems and an unhealthy fear of everyday occurrences. Some people with high levels often experience worst-case-scenario thoughts. For instance, my husband has dealt with higher levels of anxiety throughout his life and some situations cause him to imagine the worst case scenario before the situation has even played out. Therefore, he gets anxious and worried without cause because 99.99% of the time the situation is not as bad as he imagined it could be. As he’s gotten older, he’s learned to get his thoughts under control and not allow his mind to go into “worst case scenario” mode, which helps to keep his anxiety level down. I’ve learned to recognize the signs when his mind is going to worst case scenario, so I give him a gentle reminder not to go there, which helps to keep his anxiety levels under control.

You can do the same thing with your teen. When you begin to see your teen start to worry and become anxious, talk to them about what they’re feeling, what their thought process are, what they think is going to happen. Often talking it through on a reasonable level will help them to bring their anxiety level down and to see things more clearly.

Some signs to watch for in your teen are listed in my previous post. If you see any of these signs, it’s important to take action immediately. The sooner your teen gets help dealing with their anxiety, the sooner they can be on the road to a normal life, without those overwhelming feelings of hopelessness.

Honest Parenting can also help you to communicate and relate to your teen in a way they will understand. Click on the link and start building a great relationship with your teen today.

As I mentioned in my previous post, my son is currently in rehab for substance abuse. One of the things he’s mentioned over and over is a constant feeling of anxiety. I do not suffer from anxiety, therefore I am having trouble understand how he is feeling or what he is going through. So, I decided to do some research on anxiety, especially as it relates to teens and young adults. I thought I’d share my finding with you in this post and the next couple of posts.

What Anxiety Is

The first thing I needed to know was exactly what anxiety is…what it feels like. A basic definition is: a feeling of hopelessness, an overwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction and restlessness, where nothing ever seems to go right.

The next thing I want to know is why my son is feeling like this. Obviously I have to get those answers from him and hopefully he will find some things out in rehab.

As the mom of a child suffering from anxiety, I wish I would have known what signs to look for when he was growing up. It never even crossed my mind that he was suffering with this “disorder” which is probably a major reason he turned to drugs and alcohol. So, I’m going to share the warning signs with you, so hopefully you’ll be able to recognize, before it’s too late, if your child or teen is suffering from anxiety.

The Warning Signs of Severe Teen Anxiety

• Anger
• Depression
• A drop in grades
• Fatigue
• Substance abuse
• Extreme mood swings
• Changes in sleep habits
• Changes in eating habits
• Changes in hygiene habits to the extreme
• Compulsive or Obsessive Behavior

What you can do to help your teen who is suffering from anxiety

Obviously if you see any of the above warning signs in your teen’s behavior, start talking to them. Often they won’t open up to you, but you need to intervene as soon as possible. Start by letting your teen know you’re there for them, to give them the support they need to help them deal with and overcome their anxiety. This may mean therapy, medication or even hospitalization if the anxiety is extreme. More and more doctors are prescribing anxiety meds to teens, however, if it’s at all possible, it’s best to try to overcome anxiety without the use of medication. If you read my previous post, my son began abusing the anxiety meds he was prescribed.

If you have a teen and suspect he or she is suffering from anxiety, please don’t ignore the signs and get help immediately before it turns into something worse, like addiction or other behavioral issues.

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You’ve probably heard some of the uproar about Adam Lambert’s performance on the American Music Awards recently. If not, here’s an article one of my friends and fellow work at home mom buddies wrote, which is where I first heard about it since I did not watch the awards show.

When I saw the video (which has since been removed due to copyright issues) I was appalled. I think it was a disgusting performance and very distasteful. I’m not an Adam Lambert fan at all, never was. I personally don’t care for his voice and all that screaming he does. That’s beside the point. The point is our teens and maybe even children saw it. What did it teach them?

I am not a perfect parent, and I’m not one of those parents who shelter my kids from the outside world. My kids go to the movies, watch TV, go to school dances, etc. But, there are some things that should be left in the bedroom and not plastered on a big screen, or small one for that matter.

Think about it. How uncomfortable do you feel if say some friends of yours happen to kiss in front of you? I don’t mean a little peck on the lips, I’m talking about a full out spit swapping, tonsil hockey, French kiss. I know I feel uncomfortable and want to leave the room. Why would I want to watch it on TV or in the movies? I have watched make-out sessions on TV and at the movies, and they can be quite uncomfortable, especially when they lead to more.

When my friend’s blog posted on Facebook, there was a big discussion going on about Adam Lambert’s performance, whether it was distasteful or not. Someone even went so far as to say it was art. And some may view it as a form of art, but it’s still not something I would want my kids to see.

There is so much stuff out there, and the regulations guiding what’s allowed and what’s not allowed to be shown on TV or in the movies, or heard in music are getting more and more tolerant. What used to be rated R back when I was a teen is now rated PG-13, and what was rated PG-13 is rated PG or even G.

Our children are so influenced by what they see in the media, it’s no wonder more and more teens are addicted to internet porn, “sexting”, and sex. As parents it’s up to us to protect them and teach them about sex. When your teen sees the kind of performance given by Adam Lambert, or sexual scenes in the movies and on TV, those images stick with them and that’s what they learn from.

Be proactive with your teen by teaching them and guiding them what you want them to learn. Don’t leave it up to the media or society.

Okay, that’s my rant for the day. What are your thoughts or comments on this subject?

As you may or may not know, I’m a youth leader in our church and we just found out that one of our 14 year old girls thinks she’s pregnant. This little girl’s parents are divorced and she lives with her grandparents. Her grandparents do not know about this yet.

Last night I had a chance to talk with her a little bit about it, though the conversation wasn’t as deep as I would have liked it to be. I asked her about the dad and he is her current boyfriend, who is also 14. I’m kind of in shock, but not completely. I also asked her what her thoughts are about this and her reply was, “It really didn’t hit me until just now”. Honestly I don’t think she really thinks about what she’s doing. I know, because of years of experience in youth ministry and in my own life experiences, that she is looking for love and there are some major family history issues at the root of this. When I was growing up, I too was looking for love, to be loved, by anyone, by any boy more specifically, therefore I soaked up any attention I got from the opposite sex which led to a life style of promiscuity in my later teen years. I can see this girl going down the exact same road as I. Oh how I don’t want her to take this road. And though I can and have talked to her about it, I think my words fall on deaf ears.

I didn’t specifically ask her “how this happened”, as in where and when, but it’s not surprising that it did. You see, even at youth group, at church, she is known for disappearing, even for just a minute or two, and she’s always found making out with a boy in some dark hallway or isolated room. My heart goes out to her because I know what she’s feeling. She thinks she’s feeling love, but in reality all she’s doing is digging a hole to a life of loneliness and emptiness.

Another youth leader and I prayed with her last night, but I could tell it really wasn’t sinking in, the depth of the issue. You see, the issue isn’t only that she might be pregnant, but that she thinks she has to give herself sexually to boys. She’s missing a deeper love, the love from her father. Her father is in her life somewhat, but he is remarried with 3 or 4 other small children from his new wife and a baby on the way. And her mom is barely in her life at all. I wish I could bring her home with me.

I guess I don’t really have a point to this post. I just wanted to get this out there. If you have a teen at home, just love them. They’re not perfect, they’re hormonal, they’re odd, they may have funny colored hair, funky piercings and weird tattoos, or they may dress preppy and only eat lettuce and run 5 times a day (I had a friend like that back in high school); no matter what they wear or how they look, they need to know they are loved; loved by mom and loved by dad. And I’m not saying her parents don’t love her, I don’t actually know. All I know is she is longing to be loved and looking for that love in all the wrong places.

What are your thoughts on this?