Parenting My Teen

When parents separate, it is important for both the mother and the father to maintain a relationship with the children. Yet in many cases, children side with one parent or the other. Sometimes this is the child’s own choice, but all too often it occurs due to the influence of the favored parent.

This phenomenon is nothing new, but only recently did it receive a name. In the early 1980s, child psychiatrist Richard A. Gardner coined the term “Parental alienation syndrome.” He defined it as a disorder in which a child belittles and insults one parent without good reason, due in part to influence from the other parent.

Parental alienation syndrome is not officially recognized by the medical or legal fields as a mental health issue. But there’s no denying that estrangement from one parent takes place in many separations and divorces. This can occur for a number of reasons, including but not limited to the following:

* One parent wants the other parent out of his or her life completely. Turning the children against the former partner is a way to achieve that.

* The custodial parent wants money or property from the non-custodial parent and uses the children as bargaining tools.

* One parent is overly possessive or jealous, and wants the children all to him/herself.

* One parent believes that the other parent is unworthy of the children.

* One parent feels unable to compete with the other parent for the children’s affections, and retaliates by trying to keep the kids from seeing him or her.

* The offending parent is hostile toward the other parent and keeps the children away to hurt him or her.

Whatever the reason, the offending parent effectively turns the child or children against the other parent. He or she may withhold or limit visitation or reduce or eliminate contact between parent and child. He or she might make disparaging remarks about the other parent to or in the presence of the children, or even make false allegations of abuse. Whether it is directly stated or not, the offending parent might make the child feel that he must choose one or the other.

When subjected to this behavior, children often side with the alienating parent. They do this to gain approval from that parent, or because they believe the terrible picture that has been painted of the other parent. Yet they often assert that the decision to reject the other parent is their own, because they don’t want the offending parent to feel or appear guilty.

Parental alienation syndrome can be mild or severe, but in any event, it can have devastating effects on the child involved. He becomes trapped in the middle of a conflict between two of the most important people in his life. The relationship with both parents usually becomes strained, and he may lose contact with one of them. Unless abuse of some sort is a factor, it is generally in the child’s best interest to encourage a good relationship with both mother and father.

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Do you have a teenager with ADD or ADHD? Or how about a teen with anger issues or one who is disrespectful of authority? If you are a parent of a teen with any of these issues or other disorders that are difficult to deal with, you are not alone.

I have two sons who are now 18 and 24. My eighteen year old was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 9. His school years prior to being diagnosed, and even after beginning treatment, were tumultuous to say the least. From Kindergarten on, he struggled in school, often hid under his desk, hit a teacher or two, was unruly and flat out disrespectful. To this day, he still has very little respect for authority and is often defiant and makes rude remarks when it comes to anyone in authority. Through his high school years, he never liked the principal and always had something to say about her job as an authority figure.

My now 24 year old son has addiction issues and began drinking in his early years in high school; it may have been earlier but as far as I know, that’s when it began. Due to his addictions, he has been convicted as a felon due to 4 DUI’s. He’s spent time in jail at various lengths; the longest and latest was 5 months. He is currently serving a 5 year stint on probation.

So, how do I, as a mother, handle all of this? I take it all one day, one issue, one instance at a time. Throughout my sons’ lives, especially the 18 year olds, there have been various occasions where I, or we (his parents) have had to intervene. Some have been quite embarrassing; there was the time when he was 2 or 3 and kicked a lady from our church. There were all the calls from the teachers when he would hide under his desk and refuse to come out, listen or obey. There were all the times he would get suspended from school because he picked a fight with a fellow student, or spoke very disrespectfully to a teacher or the principal. “Why does he act this way? What did I do wrong as a parent?” Those are questions I often ask, and I’m sure you do too.

The truth is, we didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not in our parenting skills (or lack thereof). It’s probably a genetic issue. Same with my son who struggles with addiction; we have seen him live a life completely free of alcohol and drugs for 6 months to a year, but for some reason, he always goes back to the drugs and alcohol. Alcoholism runs in my family; my grandfather, grandmother and my dad were all alcoholics. Not to mention that my son’s father (I am now divorced from him) could probably be diagnosed as an alcoholic, as well.

So, where am I going with all of this? Basically, I want you to know you’re not alone. There are so many people out there raising difficult teens, who are blaming themselves or their lack of parenting skills, when it’s no one’s fault. Our bodies are imperfect, and therefore we give birth to imperfect children. There are guides and various websites available to help you deal with a child who has ADD or ADHD, addictions and any other disorder your teen may have. Seek them out on the web and get some advice today before you feel like you’re going to lose it completely.

You can also get some real life guidance from Aurelia Williams, founder of Parenting My Teen. Not only is she a certified life coach, she also has many great articles and reports that will help you deal with your difficult teen. Take a look at all of them; I’m certain you will be able to find one that will help you with your situation.

Three other great resources for you to take advantage of are:

My Out Of Control Teen: A online parent-program for those who are struggling with their out-of-control teenagers. Learn cut-to-the-chase parenting strategies that work immediately rather than months or years down the road.

Real Life Guidance to Understanding Your Teen shows you how to accept what you can and cannot control in your teen’s life, how to cope with mood swings, keeping the lines of communication open

Honest Parenting:  Honest Parenting is truly helpful information that is easy to understand and absolutely works to help you build (or RE-build) a positive, pleasant, and productive relationship with your child or teen.

Don’t wait another minute to get help for you and your teenager!

Help your Teen Have a Good Self-Image: Part One

As a parent of 4 children, two of which are grown and the other two not far behind, one of the hardest things to teach your child as they’re growing up is to have a good self-image. I use the term “teach” here because I believe as parents, it’s our responsibility to help our children learn to love themselves; everything about them, including the way they appear.

As a teenager growing up, I had a horrible self-image, thought I was fat when I wasn’t and didn’t think anyone would ever find anything desirable about me. Now I know and understand that this has a lot to do with the fact that I was sexually molested by my step-father for years, but the fact that I suffered with a poor self-image for many years into my adulthood, it’s no wonder my children struggle with their self-image. Now, I’m not saying any of them have horrible self-images as some teens do, but there is room for improvement. There is still room for improvement in my personal self-image as well.

However, this is not true for many teens. As a youth leader in our church, many of the teens that attend are from broken homes-horribly broken and very dysfunctional homes. Most of them have very low self-images as a result. Because our children rely on us, their parents, to provide for them, support them financially, mentally and emotionally, when we fail to do that it is reflected in our children’s lives. They tend to look down upon themselves in every aspect of their lives, including their self-image.

But, even if your past isn’t so great and you grew up in a dysfunctional home, or if your home now is some sort of dysfunctional situation, you can still help your teen have a good self-image. Now, I’m not talking about them being cocky or conceited; I’m talking about helping them have a truly, healthy good self-image, one that portrays confidence in every aspect of their lives and one that reflects their true inner beauty.

Inside every human being there is a beautiful soul, no matter what we look like on the outside. Sometimes that soul is buried so deep in depression or other issues that it might be hard to find, but it is there. We, as parents, can help our teen find that beautiful inner soul. We can do this by nurturing our children, supporting them emotionally and mentally and just loving them.

I know it’s often easier said than done, especially if you were not shown the support and love you needed by your parents. But with some effort and time it can be done. You can help your teen have a good self-image and genuine confidence now and for the rest of their lives.

There are several key steps you can take and in this post, I’m going to begin with one. In the next post in this series, I will cover the remaining steps. Because step one is so important, I want you to take some time to begin implementing it in you and your teen’s life.

Step one to helping your teen have a good self-image is: Communication.

That’s right. Start talking to your teen. Not preaching at them, telling them what they’ve done wrong today or yesterday, or that their hair is weird or that they’re going to go deaf listening to their music so loud, but just talking to them as if you would your friend or relative.

As I stated earlier, this may take some time, especially if this is an area that is difficult for you. Start small and work your way into longer conversations. You’ll be surprised at how well your teen will begin opening up once they realize you were a human a teen once too. Talk to your teen about some of the issues you had growing up, how you felt when you were teased. We all go through it whether you were the prom queen or the class geek.

When you’re talking with your teen, make sure they hear from your mouth and your heart how proud you are of them. Even if they just got detention for something they did at school, there are good things they do and they are a good person. Make sure you acknowledge even the smallest of good behavior with a simple “thank you”. Don’t overdo it with tons of enthusiasm either; they may feel embarrassed and never do the good deed again.

As you continue talking with your teen and acknowledging good behavior, you’ll soon start to see the beautiful person they are inside. You’ll begin to see them become more confident, but more importantly they’ll begin to see themselves in a whole different light. And as their confidence grows, so will their self-image

In the next post on this topic I’ll give you other keys to help your teen have a good self-image.

Parents take lots of precautions to keep their children from getting in trouble. They teach them what they think is right and try to keep them from succumbing to negative peer pressure. But kids will be kids no matter what you do and sometimes they make mistakes. The important part is what you do after. If your teen is being influenced by other teens, there are some steps you can take to help them get back on track.

When I was in high school, my friend’s parents hated me. I wasn’t a bad seed; I rarely did anything wrong, but that’s not what their kids told them. They blamed me when they got caught breaking the rules. The worst part? They usually got away with it. Many kids place blame because they know they won’t be held accountable. Even if you know most of the fault lies with your child’s friend, you should still put some responsibility on your child. They need to learn to be held accountable for their own actions and that includes their choice of friends.

If your child insists that their friend was totally to blame and they couldn’t get out if it, you should teach them how to get out of bad situations. Role play; come up with various things they can say or do. Remind them that if their friend won’t listen and insists on dragging them along; they can just leave and call you to come get them. Usually the simple act of calling a parent will cause the friend to rethink their actions.

Explain to your child that, while you’re not in charge of their friends, you are in charge of them. You should develop a plan to determine if and when your child is allowed to hang out with their friend again. Set specific rules and limits, along with goals to meet to have these limits lifted. Make them understand that your trust must be earned back.

Remember that not all peer pressure is negative. You can’t choose your children’s friends, but you can encourage them to hang out with friends who exhibit positive peer pressure. If they have friends who are behaving and following the rules, they’ll be more likely to follow them too.

If you feel your teen is succumbing to negative peer pressure and is out of control, go to:

My Out Of Control Teen: http://www.parentingmyteen.com/Out-of-Control.HTML, an online parent-program for those who are struggling with their out-of-control teenagers. Learn cut-to-the-chase parenting strategies that work immediately rather than months or years down the road.

All parents want to keep their kids safe, but with all the dangers in today’s world that’s getting harder to do. A big concern for many parents is drugs. While it’s best to stop your child from doing drugs before they start, there are things you can do if you suspect a problem.

If you suspect your teen is doing drugs, talk to them. And I mean, just talk; no yelling, screaming, or accusations. Prepare what you’re going to say ahead of time so you don’t say something you didn’t intend to. Tell them you suspect they’re taking drugs and cite your reasoning. Give specific, documented examples of behavioral changes. Explain that you’re just trying to help them, but if they don’t tell you what’s going on with them, you’re going to have to take further steps. But be careful, what you perceive as drug use could just be caused by problems at school, problems with friends, or even depression.

If your teen doesn’t want to tell you what’s going on, you need to stick to your word and take further steps to find out if they’re using drugs. Check your teen’s room and car. If you have a good relationship with their friends, ask them what’s going on. Make your child justify where their money is going. Also, make sure you know where your child is at all times (including checking school attendance records).

Once you have confirmation of your teens drug use, seek outside help. There are literally hundreds of people and organizations ready and willing to help you and your teen. If you don’t know where to start, talk to your child’s doctor, counselor, or minister. They may be willing to speak to your teen directly and recommend organizations and treatment programs to you. You must remember that you are not alone!

If you can’t find any evidence that your child is doing drugs, take them to a pastor or counselor. Let them talk in individual sessions. Your child may not be opening up to you, but at least they will be getting help somewhere.

Drugs can be a terrifying prospect for any parent. Just remember to stay calm and get help. It may be a long road to recovery, but if you stand by your child and source the problem early on you will have a better chance of helping them.

My Out Of Control Teen:  A online parent-program for those who are struggling with their out-of-control teenagers. learn cut-to-the-chase parenting strategies that work immediately rather than months or years down the road