Parenting My Teen

Dating is one of those subjects that many parents don’t like to think about unless it’s absolutely necessary. Parents don’t like to picture their “babies” out on a date with someone they’re attracted to because it means they are becoming more independent and growing up. While this isn’t something parents like to see, it’s something that’s unavoidable and will happen. Therefore, parents need to prepare themselves and their teens for it. Dating can be enjoyable for both parents and teens when everyone is on the same page about what to expect.

As your teenager gets closer to dating, it’s important that you begin talking with him or her. Your teen needs to know what your thoughts are about dating. So, take advantage of that and be open about the subject of dating. This is when you can share stories with your teenager of dating experiences you had and the mistakes you made. Your teen will enjoy hearing stories like this because it’s a topic they are interested in and through your stories they will learn what to do and not do – or at least be more aware of situations that can arise in the future.

Another reason you want to be transparent with your teenager about dating is because it gives you the opportunity to discuss any rules you have for your teen in regards to dating. A lot of times when parents set rules, teens instantly become defensive. This can be avoided if you have already established an open relationship with your teenager in regards to dating. If you have shared some of your past dating experiences with your teen, then you can often use those stories to help explain why you are setting some of the rules you are setting. For example, you may want to meet each of the dates your teen daughter has before she leaves with the guy for the first time. Initially, your daughter may think it’s a stupid idea, but if she knows that your parents didn’t pay attention to the people you dated and there were many bad relationships as a result, then she will be able to understand the reasoning behind your rule.

In addition to being open with your teen and setting rules for dating, parents should also take the time to let their teens know that it’s okay to have standards when dating. Dating is all about finding a companion. Someone that your teen enjoys being with because they like him or her for who they are. Therefore, it’s important that your teen understands that they deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and that they shouldn’t settle for anything less when dating. You should also take the time to tell them how they should treat someone they are dating as well.

Finally, the last thing parents have to do is learn to let go and trust. Parents can’t actually do the dating for their teens nor can they go on the dates with them. So, once you have equipped them with the knowledge you feel they need, you have to trust that they will make the right choices.

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For many parents, sex is a subject that they do not what to discuss with their kids – especially teenagers as they are old enough to be sexually active. The fact that it is uncomfortable to talk about is why many parents avoid the subject altogether and don’t talk about it at all. However, this is not the solution. Parents need to deal with the issue of teenage sex.

In order for parents to “deal” with the issue of teenage sex, parents need to talk to their teens about it. There are several reasons to do this, but the major one is that if you don’t educate your teens about sex, their friends will. Do you really want another misinformed youth to “educate” your child about the ins and outs of sex? Probably not. Therefore, you need to be the one to talk to your teen about it. However, there are several things you need to remember when you talk to your teen about this sensitive subject.

The Earlier, The Better: Perhaps you don’t have a teen yet, but are still in the preteen years – or even grade school years. That’s okay. You can still begin talking to your kids about sex. The key is that whatever age your kids are when you talk about sex, you only do so for the level of understanding they have. For example, if you’re going to be talking to your 14 year old daughter, it’s okay to begin talking about the actual act of sex and how sexually transmitted diseases can be contracted. But, if you are talking to 10 year old, you obviously won’t need to go in that detail.

Ask and Answer Questions: During “the talk” be open with your teen and keep it conversational. Don’t talk at them, but with them. Ask them different questions so that you can get an idea of what they know about sex and what they don’t. Also, give them the opportunity to ask you questions as well. If they don’t want to ask you questions, that’s fine too. Just let them know that you are always available if they ever have any questions.

Be Objective: You need to understand that your teen is an individual and may have different opinions and views than you, especially in regards to sex. So, if you want to gain your teen’s trust, you need to be objective when you talk with them about sex. Even if you don’t agree with them, you should find a way to express your views in a way that isn’t condescending. Teens want to be talked with as if they are adults. When you treat them like this, they will open up and tell you their thoughts and feelings – which should be your goal.

Don’t Overreact: If your teen decides to share with you that they’ve been sexually active, do not overreact. You need to understand that you are not going to be able to stop your teen from having sex. All you can do is educate them about the subject. Therefore, if you want your teen to continue talking to you, you shouldn’t judge them. You can tell them you think they made a mistake, but be upbeat about the fact that it’s a mistake that they don’t have to make again. The most important thing that you can do is let your teen know that you are always there for him/her and that you will always be available to talk with or answer any questions they have about sex.

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Parenting teenagers is hard enough.  Enter the world of teen dating.  Friday nights at the movies, Saturday nights out with friends, phone calls that last until the wee hours of the morning, all of it fun and exciting.  Unfortunately, as statistics show, teen dating can be dangerous territory.  Teen pregnancy and diseases aside, dating violence and abuse is on the rise.  One out of every three teens has experienced some type of abuse in the romantic relationships, including physical, verbal and sexual abuse.

With nearly 40% of teenage girls reporting that they personally know someone who has been physically abused by a partner, it is about time that this issue comes to light.  Parents can help to reduce these scary numbers by beginning to educate their children at a young age about respect and love.

Eighty percent of girls that have been abused in their relationship stay with their abusive partner.  This is a sad fact, and one that parents can help prevent.  Parents of girls need to communicate with their daughters, even before they talk about the birds and the bees, that they are worthy of love and respect only, and that they have the right to walk away from someone abusing them.  When teens girls begin dating, parents can talk to them about their right to say no to anything they are not comfortable with, and that they can walk away from an abusive boyfriend at any time, with their parent’s full support.  For the parents of boys, teaching their sons that women are to be respected and treated as equals begins at home.  A boy’s father is the ideal model for this behavior.  If their father shows love and respect for the women in the family, especially the mother, sons will grow up modeling that behavior.

If a teen is already involved in an abusive relationship, parents can help.  Rather than attacking the character of the abusive partner or ordering a separation, which can cause a teen to come to their defense and alienate the parents, use positive reinforcement to give the teenager the self-confidence to end the abuse themselves.  Encourage them to seek out the company of friends and family, anyone other than the abusive partner.  Take a family vacation that will separate them from the abusive partner, giving the teen time to think and get their head straight.  Often times, abusive partners do not give their victims time alone for just this reason.  Talk to the teenager about their self-esteem and how they think they can increase their positive view of themselves.   The key to keeping teens safe from dating violence and abuse is to give them the tools necessary to value themselves more than the abusive partner.  Only when they see their true worth, will they have the power in them to end the abuse for good.

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One of the most difficult, but necessary, conversations a parent needs to have with their teen is about sex.  Its embarrassing, makes all participants uncomfortable, and, depending on what is said, it might be downright frightening.  Parents can not let any of these reasons deter them from what may be a life saving conversation.

Teens involved in sex at too early of an age are not equipped with the tools necessary to make informed decisions.  It is up to the parents to ensure that preteens and teens are given the right information, at the right time.  Getting the “facts” from their friends can lead to incorrect information, which can lead to dangerous situations that they are not prepared for.  Statistics for teen pregnancy and contraction of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are frightening.  750,000 teen aged girls will become pregnant every year, accounting for nearly 1/3 of all girls in the United States.  Nearly 1/4 of all sexually active teens will contract an STD.  The number may actually be higher though, since many cases can go undetected for years.

Before sitting down with your preteen or teenager, parents should become familiar with the latest information and statistics regarding sex.  Passing on old information, or old misconceptions, is not beneficial and will only lead to confusion for the teenager when confronted with conflicting information from school heath education classes or friends.  A good resource for parents is http://www.pamf.org/teen/parents/sex/sex.html, which offers advice on speaking to teens about sex, as well as links to various medical sites with specific information about STDs and adolescent health.

One worry that some parents may have, is that by talking to their preteen or teenager about sex, will lead to teens having sex.  The truth is the exact opposite.  Research has shown that by talking to kids early and giving them accurate information, they will be more likely to postpone sex until a later age.  Postponing sex until a later age, or until marriage, reduces the risks of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, reduces the instances of teen pregnancy, and can help raise a teenager’s self esteem by teaching them that they are worth more than a quick romp in the hay.

If parents are nervous or uncomfortable about having a discussion about sex, admitting it to your teen may be just the ice breaker needed in order to have a productive conversation.  Let your teenager know that no question is off limits, and if you do not know an answer, admit it and use it as an opportunity to research the answer together.  Parents should try to not be judgemental in their answers to questions, even if their teen is admitting to having had sex already.  As hard as that may seem, you want your teenager to feel comfortable coming to you when they have specific questions or if they have a problem.  Open communication between parents and children is the single most important preventative measure that families can take.

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In a recent news story, Fox News revealed that an 11 year old girl had given birth to her first child. The doctors discussed how difficult the birth was because the child’s body had not even developed enough to give birth; she did not even have enough breast tissue to be able to nurse the child. This is an extreme situation, but teen pregnancy and sexually active teens are on the rise again, making it crucial to start talking about sex you’re your teens and younger kids now.

Talking about sex with your teen is one of the toughest conversations you will ever have, but not talking about sex with your teen is even worse. Just talking to your teens about sex, about the changes their bodies will undergo, and how to protect themselves against unwanted pregnancy, AIDS, and STDs can make a huge difference in the choices they make. Arming your teen with information by talking about sex is not condoning sexual activity.

Teens are overexposed to information about sex. Their friends talk about it at school. It’s in the advertisements they see on TV. It’s all over the Internet. You cannot prevent your teen from being exposed to sexual information, but you can create an open and honest environment in which your teen can comfortable talk with you about sex and sexuality. You may not be able to control everything they see and hear, but you can make sure they have access to accurate and complete information by talking about sex and making good choices about sex decisions.

The key to talking about sex with your teen is to not panic. Sex and sexual urges are a natural part of the human condition. The more comfortable you are with sex, the easier it will be for you to talk about sex with your teens. It is important not to be overbearing or make it a big deal. Take natural opportunities, like a shared movie or an ad you both see that makes talking about sex easier.

With more than half of all teens experimenting sexually before age 16, talking about sex should start when your teens are young and the conversation should happen more than once. You can let your teen know about your personal beliefs while still letting them know the risks they take by having unprotected sex. What you should not do is threaten your teen or make black and white ultimatums. If you tell your teen that you’ll kick her out if she gets pregnant or that you will never forgive him for having sex before marriage, you create a situation where your teen will not feel comfortable coming to you for advice or to talk when he or she is under pressure to give in to sex.

Instead, when talking about sex, help your teen gain a balanced perspective about sex and his or her own sexuality. Be understanding and forthright. Teach your teen to value his or her body and treat it with respect. Answer questions and be honest. In this day and age of immediate access to an abundance of information, telling your teen about storks and birds and bees isn’t going to cut it. By being open and honest when talking about sex, your teen will respect you and listen to you and feel comfortable coming to you when they need information.

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