By: Colleen Langenfeld

I have been mothering for many years and am currently parenting a teenager (my third). One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that if your teen has stopped listening to you, then you have lost the parenting game.

Recently I sat down with a young woman (I’ll call her Cindy) who is 17. I asked her to tell me what types of situations make her stop listening to her parents.

Here are Cindy’s answers.

“I don’t listen to my parents when they start yelling. Doesn’t matter what they are saying, I just don’t hear them anymore.

“Another situation that makes me stop listening to my parents is when I am trying to relate a story about a friend and my parent interrupts me with a lecture about how I do the same thing.

“Well maybe I do and maybe you need to tell me something about it, but hearing me out first would at least tell me you care about what I’m saying, too.

“Another example of when I stop listening to my parents is when they lay out requirements for me in a specific situation and I meet those requirements, but I still don’t get what I was working towards. Somehow the rules change on me. This makes me want to find a new loophole that will get around what my parents say but still somewhat satisfies their requirements. I feel like I’m not being listened to so I have to work around them.

“One more thing I’d like to add, too. Teenagers hate hearing “because I said so”. My mom tells me sometimes that’s just what needs to be said, and I think that’s okay if it doesn’t get over-used. But really, teenagers need to know the reason behind a rule so we can learn to make those decisions ourselves.”

Wow. Powerful stuff. The implications from Cindy’s comments are clear. Parenting a teenager can be a lot easier if you work with your teen, not against him. Like the rest of us, teenagers want to know they’re being heard. (If you can use more strategies for parenting teenagers, please see the author’s resource box following this article.)

Parenting a teenager is a bit of a detective game. Check your own behaviors and words to see if you are exhibiting any of the signs Cindy talks about that makes her stop listening to her parents. Be honest with yourself.

Watch closely during the interactions you have with your teen. Take note of when the conversation closes down. Is your teenager really done talking or has something you’ve said or done made her put up an emotional wall?

This may seem like a lot of hard work to you and you’re right, it is. But you are the adult in this situation and it’s up to you as the parent to show your teen how relationships work. You are in charge of the communication tools that can get your teenager listening to you.

Be interested in your teenager and his life. It may take awhile for your teen to respond to you, but hang in there. Believe me, it’s worth the investment of time and energy.

Here’s another powerful idea that you can try today. How about asking YOUR teen what makes her stop listening to you? Do you have the courage to hear the answers?

I’ll bet you do. Sometimes the hardest part is getting started. Here’s what you need to know: when it comes to parenting a teenager, listening gets easier with practice.

So go give your teenager a hug and ask him a question that requires you to listen.

You can do it! And your teen will come to love you for it.

Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 26 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at www.paintedgold.com . Visit her website and grab more strategies for parenting a teenager today.

By: Yana Berlin

Another year, another strand of gray hair, and as shocking as it may seem, your child will be moving away to start her first year of college. You sit and reminisce on how, what only seems to be yesterday, you taught your baby to hold a spoon, tie her shoes, make her own sandwiches, do her laundry and eventually how to drive a car.

College

It was always clear to you that your goal as a mother was to make her an independent, self assured young lady ready to enter the world on her own. Although you understand this is her next stage in growing up, you find yourself sitting with a long face and conflicting feelings. As you try to rationalize with yourself that for the first time your house will be quiet and clean, you notice a tear sliding down your cheek. You are convinced that the ending of this chapter will leave you sad and worried. Never the less you quickly brush away those feelings; you embrace the fact that your baby will be only a phone call away. At that very moment, you realize that your day will begin by checking your emails and waiting for a text message, it will be clouded with ideas for her next visit, and hopefully will end with a good night phone call. You understand that this learning experience is necessary for both of you and all of a sudden you are very proud of your accomplishment. You feel empowered knowing that you did an awesome job and your teenager is ready for the journey called life.

Yana Berlin is a proud mother of 4 wonderful children and a wife to a wonderful man that she adores.

Her oldest daughter is 20 and the youngest 15. As all of her friends began going through all sorts of changes with their bodies and mind, she took it upon herself to create this community of wonderful women who share the same goals, dreams, issues and fears. She feels that if women continue to help one another through exchange of information, nourishment and support, they will own the world.

Her goal is to connect women all over the world to communicate with each other so they can experience the same support and guidance that she receives from her girlfriends. Please Visit Yana’s site http://www.Fabulously40.com

By: Yana Berlin

My husband and I had a very disturbing weekend.

It centered around an issue that far too many parents either don’t take seriously enough or bury their heads in the sand and avoid altogether.

I’m talking about teenage drinking.

Fortunately, the weekend turmoil resulted not from my own kids’ drinking but from the ignorance and denial exhibited by other parents. But before I climb up on my soapbox, let’s take a look at some frightening statistics.

Currently, alcohol use among young people under 21 is the leading drug problem in the U.S. According to the Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth at Georgetown University:

teen drinking

* More youths in the U.S. drink alcohol than smoke tobacco or marijuana, making it the drug most used by young Americans.

* Every day, 5,400 young people under 16 take their first drink of alcohol.

* In 2005, one out of six eighth-graders, one in three tenth-graders, and nearly one out of two twelfth-graders were current drinkers.

* In 2004, more than 7 million youths ages 12 to 20 reported binge drinking, which is defined as “having five or more drinks on at least one occasion in the past 30 days.”

In addition, recent surveys have also found that:

* Girls are binge drinking more, while boys are binging less or increasing their binging at a slower rate than their female peers.

* Twelfth-grade female drinkers and binge drinkers are now more likely to drink distilled spirits than beer.

* The new “Alco pops” are particularly attractive to girls, and are most popular with the youngest drinkers.

The consequences of underage drinking are heartbreaking:

* Every day, three teens die from drinking and driving.

* At least six more youths under 21 die each day in non-driving alcohol-related cases, such as homicide, suicide and drowning.

* More than 70,000 college students are victims of alcohol-related sexual assault or date rape each year.

*Recent studies have found that heavy exposure to alcohol may interfere with adolescent brain development, causing loss of memory and other skills.

For a complete report of this Executive Summary, please see camy.org/research/status0306

A Parent In Denial

These are sobering statistics, ones that every parent should take note of. So why is it that most of the parents I talk seem to be in complete denial?

This weekend, my husband and I were awakened at 1:20 a.m. by a parent who called to tell us that our son had been drinking and was running around drunk. When I asked what made him think our son was drunk, he claimed that our son and several others had been in his house drinking (unsupervised), and took off when he and his wife came home.

Not surprisingly, this parent sounded quite upset. Because the drinking took place in his home, he was worried about what would happen if any of the boys in question got in trouble or, worse, got killed in a car crash.

I asked him to calm down, and explained that my son was already home. Although he did have one beer while at his friend’s house, he wasn’t drunk and he wasn’t driving. Moreover, all the other boys involved were at home and safe in bed.

At that point, the parent flew into a rage, saying he couldn’t believe that I knew my son drinks and questioning my fitness as a parent. When I asked if he knew that his own son drinks, he insisted that I didn’t know what I was talking about and ordered my son to stay out of his house.

The sad part is, his response did not shock or even surprise me very much. In fact, I have had this conversation (or ones very much like it) with parents on a regular basis. For some reason, parents don’t want to acknowledge that their kids drink, smoke, or try drugs. Of course, other kids do these kinds of things, but never their own.

This Is Your Wakeup Call!

I happen to know that this particular parent’s son has a serious drinking problem. Not only does he drink too often and too much (often during school), he also drives when he drinks. Yet, his parents refuse to acknowledge that he drinks at all, much less has a drinking problem.

Obviously, not every teenager has a drinking problem. But the harsh reality is this—like it or not, your kids will try cigarettes, alcohol and at least one recreational drug. Their behavior afterwards, and the choices they continue to make regarding alcohol and drugs, will depend to a large extent on your reaction to those experiments.

Instead of getting bent out of shape and claiming that it can’t or won’t happen in your house, please talk to your kids and listen without judgment. Allow your teenage children to confide in you, so that you can be there for them and guide them when they get into questionable situations.

My kids know-because I have told them again and again—that while I don’t support their drinking, I will be there for them (and all of their friends) if they should become inebriated. No matter what time of day or night, I will pick them up and drive everyone home if they don’t have a sober driver.

Even at fabulously forty we can still make bad choices, and we sometimes pay a hefty price when we do. So it’s natural to want to prevent our kids from doing the same.
But it’s far more important that our kids know that we love them and will be there for them when they do make a mistake.

Our children are a reflection on us, and we want them to be perfect. But as we all know, we don’t live in a perfect world. The way I see it, we have two choices. We can choose to have kids that are not so perfect but are alive and well, or we can choose to be ignorant of their faults and risk losing them.

Personally, I choose the first option. For your sake and that of your teenagers, I hope you do the same.

Yana Berlin is a proud mother of 4 wonderful children and a wife to a wonderful man that she adores.

Her oldest daughter is 20 and the youngest 15. As all of her friends began going through all sorts of changes with their bodies and mind, she took it upon herself to create this community of wonderful women who share the same goals, dreams, issues and fears. She feels that if women continue to help one another through exchange of information, nourishment and support, they will own the world.

Her goal is to connect women all over the world to communicate with each other so they can experience the same support and guidance that she receives from her girlfriends. Please Visit Yana’s site http://www.Fabulously40.com

By: Yana Berlin

A frequent topic of discussion among baby boomers is whether to save for retirement or pay for their kids’ college education.

You worked hard to raise your kids. You made sure that they had the right clothes, the cool shoes, and all the other “chachkas” they needed to fit in. You hope you did all the right things. Now, as your kids prepare to head off to college, you find yourself looking at anywhere from $20,000 to $45,000 a year (per kid) for tuition, room and board. Do you cash out your 401K to pay for their college? Or do you ask them to take out a loan?

Part of the problem has to do with the fact that many Americans have negative savings. Not only did they fail to plan for their retirement, they also didn’t put away money for their children’s college, and they have no little or no personal savings. Another part has to do with the escalating cost of higher education.

It used to be that only those who went on to years of graduate school ended up with hefty student loans to pay off.
However, it is not uncommon for today’s kids to graduate from college with a bachelor’s degree and a hundred
There are no right or wrong answers for these issues, and every family has a different set of circumstances. However, the decisions you make will have far-reaching consequences for your lives and the lives of your children.
Think “In-State”

By no means do I claim to be an expert in this area, but my husband and I have embarked on a strategy that seems to be working well for our children and us.

Having four kids puts a real burden on any family’s finances. Having those kids very close in age is a recipe for financial disaster. As young parents, we couldn’t afford to save money for our kids’ college education, so we gambled on the idea that maybe two out of them would earn a scholarship of some sort.

By 8th grade, however, it became painfully evident that the scholarship strategy was not likely to pan out. Our kids were all loveable and smart, yet none had the innate drive, determination or IQ to attend Harvard or even a state college on a scholarship. As a result, we had to make some tough choices, and make them relatively quickly.

After studying our lifestyle and finances, we determined that with some sacrifices on our part and some help from our kids, we could put them through college without them having to obtain huge loans and mortgage their future. However, this required adopting some fairly stringent rules in regards to where they could attend college.

We started by explaining to our children that who they wanted to be and what they wanted to study was their choice. However, since mom and dad would be paying for the college education, the choice of school was ours.

Based on this rule, out-of-state schools were out of the question. We saw no reason to pay $30K a year more so our children could ski the Colorado Mountains. State schools in California were widely available and much more affordable.

Another option was to graduate high school at age 16 by taking a proficiency test and attend community college for two years. This would save at least $20K a year in tuition (even at a state school), and give them the ability to easily transfer to any state university of their choice. If they got accepted at a good university right after high school, we would have no problem paying the bill. Otherwise, it made more sense to attend community college for two years and then transfer rather than attend a mediocre college right out of high school.
Responsible Choices

The results are as follows.

Our oldest daughter applied and was accepted to UC Irvine right out of high school. She lived on campus for the first year and commuted the second year. For her third year, she transferred to UC San Diego, and will be a junior next year in her hometown. Our middle daughter, who recently turned 18, took the proficiency test at 16, completed her AA in a community college, and received an acceptance letter from all of the schools she applied to.

The fact is, in-state schools cost half as much as out-of-state. If you can’t afford the higher tuition and extra room, board and travel expenses, it is prudent to encourage your child to apply to a school nearby. Unless money isn’t an issue, it doesn’t make sense to send your kids out of state just because their friends are going along for the ride. Plus, the transition will be less stressful on their bodies and souls.

The moral of the story?

Our job is to raise responsible adults and show them how to live their lives to the fullest while being practical at the same time. While our children’s education is extremely important, attending their party school of choice is not. If your financial situation doesn’t allow you to put your kids through school, help them make the right choices by choosing affordable yet credible schools while borrowing as little money as possible. Help them make responsible choices so they don’t begin their journey into adulthood burdened with a mountain of debt.

And while we’re at it, let’s all do a better job of planning for our retirement. After all, we want to be an asset and not a liability to our kids.

For my husband and I, it’s two down and two to go. Good luck with your own children!

Yana Berlin is a proud mother of 4 wonderful children and a wife to a wonderful man that she adores.

Her oldest daughter is 20 and the youngest 15. As all of her friends began going through all sorts of changes with their bodies and mind, she took it upon herself to create this community of wonderful women who share the same goals, dreams, issues and fears. She feels that if women continue to help one another through exchange of information, nourishment and support, they will own the world.

Her goal is to connect women all over the world to communicate with each other so they can experience the same support and guidance that she receives from her girlfriends. Please Visit Yana’s site http://www.Fabulously40.com

By: Yana Berlin

Well, I don’t know if there is a secret. But there is a proven formula that produces healthy, happy, well-adjusted teens, and the good news is that it’s rather simple. Here’s the formula:

Start early, be consistent, and don’t be liberal. There’s no such a thing as too early or too young to discipline. Kids need structure, they need rules, and they expect these rules to be implemented. They look for consistency, so be a parent, not a friend. Be firm and don’t flake out on your kids by changing your mind from “no” to “yes” and back again.

Build your child’s confidence by setting boundaries. Experts agree that ages three through 10 represent a golden opportunity to secure strong relationships with your children. This is the time to teach them about values, morals and proper behavior prior. If you wait until after age 10, it may be too late.

It drives me nuts when parents permit everything without consequences and boundaries and then act shocked and surprised when their children begin to misbehave in their early teens. All of a sudden those parents begin to set rules, and are disappointed when those rules are ignored, when their kids are disrespectful, and nothing the parents say or do has an impact.

Childhood is when kids discover their strengths and develop their self-worth and sense of who they are. During this time, parents need to build a sense of confidence in their children that will enable them to stand up to the doubts that persist through adolescence.

Say “no” and mean it. As a parent, it is always easier to say “yes” than “no.” But it is so much harder to deal with a troubled teen that saying “no” makes it worth all the aggravation and hard work. Saying “no” plays a major role in influencing behavior and decision-making, as well as developing attitudes during this stage of kids’ lives. A fulfilling childhood helps kids to deal with some of the challenges and changes that occur during the teenage years. It also gives parents a chance to establish a strong relationship that will help them remain authority figures when their teenagers turn into young adults.

Educate yourself prior to their teenage years. Our children are smart, intuitive and manipulative. Plus, they like to test boundaries. The minute they sense parental confusion, indistinctness and inconsistency, they take charge and begin to act disrespectfully. I remember my five-year old daughter saying to me, “You’re not the boss of me!” That was my first realization that clipping their wings early is just as necessary as educating them. If at age five she did not want me to tell her what to do, there’s no way she would listen at 15 with proper preparation on my part.

It’s imperative to set new strategies to stay in the game. A generation or two ago, parents could remove many of the outside influences our children encounter. But today, with the Internet, drugs, new fads such as tattoos and piercing that becoming more prevalent, it has become far more challenging to mitigate those influences. In these times, consistency is the key.

It’s all about timing. As parents, we need to talk more, listen more and create more hands-on activities to interact with our children. That way, when they reach the stage of raging hormones and screaming rebellion, we can at least reminisce about the old times. And believe me, kids love “kid stories” about themselves.
Here are some tips for communicating with your kids:

Be creative. If you decide to lecture your son or daughter in a parental manner (like we all do), watch how their eyes glaze over and their minds shut down. Instead, mess with their minds like they mess with ours. Create controversial debates on current events in the media. Make it a two-way discussion rather than a one-way lecture.

Discuss real issues such as sex, drugs, relationships, life and celebrities. I used Britney Spears as an example for my kids. With each success she attained, I predicted a future disaster. At first my kids just tuned me out. But when Britney went from sweet little girl to a woman with celebrity status and all hell broke loose, I overhead them telling their friends, “My mom always said she was heading for disaster.” I became an authority, and for a while could get away with pushing my point of view into their little heads.

Use your time in the car to talk with your kids. In the car, kids are your captive audience, so TALK TO THEM! Find out what is up. Don’t grill, just pry a little. If they refuse to talk to you, take the initiative and tell them about what’s going on in your life at the moment.

Reward their responsible behavior with freedom. This doesn’t mean your teenagers’ curfew just got extended. All it means is that you now trust them more and will find an appropriate way to reward them.

Having a child is a lifelong responsibility that requires plenty of reflection and even more unconditional love. We need to keep in mind that adolescence begins as early as 10 years of age and extends to 25. This is the longest parenting stage of all, and it requires a lot of knowledge, patience and stamina.

As I said before, timing is everything. So start early to prevent complications, and don’t forget to tell your children on a regular basis that you love them so.

Yana Berlin is a proud mother of 4 wonderful children and a wife to a wonderful man that she adores.

Her oldest daughter is 20 and the youngest 15. As all of her friends began going through all sorts of changes with their bodies and mind, she took it upon herself to create this community of wonderful women who share the same goals, dreams, issues and fears. She feels that if women continue to help one another through exchange of information, nourishment and support, they will own the world.

Her goal is to connect women all over the world to communicate with each other so they can experience the same support and guidance that she receives from her girlfriends. Please Visit Yana’s site http://www.Fabulously40.com