Parenting My Teen

By: Colleen Langenfeld

A sullen, non-communicative teenager. A frustrated parent.

Is that the way it is in your home living with your teenager?

Parenting teenagers is a demanding job, no doubt about it. Teens have the natural ability to challenge us on every level. Whereas once they simply accepted our authority as parents, no more.

Many parents fight against this normal developmental phase. As a result, their homes become tense battlegrounds as they stand ready to defend their positions at a moment’s notice. Usually, in this environment, a teen starts out yelling and ends up silent.

Because he or she has found somewhere else where their voice can be heard. And appreciated.

While some teen frustrations are firmly rooted in parenting issues from the child’s younger years, if you have an otherwise well-adjusted teenager who simply has stopped talking to you, there are practical things you can do that will help.

I am currently parenting my third teenager and these communication tips are what we use in our home everyday to keep talking alive and well.

– Listening comes first.

Trite but true, your teenager will tune you out if you never *really* listen to what she has to say.

You want to get your teen’s attention? Then learn to listen with your whole being. Use your body language and lean closer when he’s talking. Make eye contact. Repeat back what you hear so you’re sure you understand every ounce of what your teenager is telling you. Ask clarifying questions. Empathize. Give him your undivided attention (no cell phones, newspapers, no half-hearted ‘uh-huh’s').

In other words, listen to your teen the way you wish you were listened to.

If you do this one step regularly, your teen will seek you out, yearning to talk to you.

Imagine that.

– Respect is king.

It’s easy to be condescending when parenting teenagers. As parents, we know more than they do, right? We’ve been around the block numerous more times than they have. Heck, compared to them, we are wise!

However, here’s the real deal. If teens don’t feel respected by us, they don’t accept our influence.

And all that wisdom goes down the drain.

That fact is not limited to teenagers, by the way. That’s the way we’re all wired as human beings. And it helps a lot to remember your teen is perilously close to being an adult and feeling the way adults do. Your teenager is not all grown up yet, but close enough to give you clues as to what they need.

Like respect. Earn their respect and they will trust you with their lives.

– Teamwork means everything.

Teenagers often feel like they’re carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. It’s easy for us who are parenting teenagers to look at their day-to-day lives and say, “that’s nothing! Wait until you have MY responsibilities!” But what we as parents forget, is that our teen is new at these types of responsibilities. So problems that we can see obvious solutions to, our teens find overwhelming. Challenges that would slide off our backs, they get lost in.

As a person, it’s humiliating to admit you’re overwhelmed and lost. So you don’t. And neither does your teen.

Teamwork changes that. For example, a parent who’s noticing their teen is struggling with academics has two choices. Yelling (ever noticed how often yelling works?). Or leading the way providing training on how to make a positive change.

A parent could say something like “I see you’re finding your current schoolwork challenging. That’s good because it means you have the chance to learn something new here. I have some methods that have worked for me when dealing with challenging work and I’d be glad to show them to you. When’s a good time for you?”

For some teens, that conversation is all they need in order to acknowledge they need help. Others will take more coaxing. Still, the point is valid. Don’t just tell them what to do…work with them, empathize with their frustration, show them how to set a goal, overcome obstacles and come out the other side. Then celebrate with them. They’ve earned it! And you’ve earned their respect.

– Show them you understand…them.

While parenting teenagers, we often lecture as opposed to discuss. That’s only natural for us as parents. Usually we can see their glaring error in judgment and we realize it’s our duty to correct them.

Right idea. Wrong method.

Humility works big time with teenagers. Have you ever made a mistake that your teen seems to also be making? Probably more frequently then you would like to admit. Well, admit it. When you explain the boundaries you are placing on their behavior, let your past example (mistake) be the “here’s what I’ve learned from this problem myself” part of the conversation.

Believe me, you’ll have their attention when you admit to not having it all together. ‘Cuz guess what. Everyday your teen ACTS like he has it all together to cover up the fact that he KNOWS he doesn’t have it all together. And he’s worried and scared.

Your admission you’ve been where he is and you found a way out will be welcome news. That you cared enough about him to share your vulnerabilities won’t be lost on him, either.

Obviously, this parenting tip only applies to age and situation-appropriate confessions. But do you get the point here? Your teen is longing for someone who knows her and is willing to be on her side. Ideally that needs to be you.

Parenting teenagers effectively means building relationships with them, listening when it’s convenient for them (not you), working with them to help them overcome challenges, earning their respect so it’s YOU they think of when they need to talk.

This will take patience, an open heart, thick skin and daily time. Things that all prove to your teenager that you think they’re worth it.

And they are.

Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 26 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at www.paintedgold.com . Visit her website and learn more about parenting teenagers today.

By: Colleen Langenfeld

Tired of your teen being out of your home more than in it? You can make your home a magnet for your teenager and her friends by keeping in mind a few simple teen-friendly ideas.

– Fun is #1.

Parenting teenagers effectively means getting inside their heads a bit and the first piece of information you’ll find there is not a surprise. Teens are looking for fun. Ideally, they should find it at home first. Why? Because that gives you the opportunity as the parent to oversee the environment they’re spending time in and get a first-hand look at who they’re spending their time with.

You’ll be relieved to know you don’t need to provide the latest entertainment equipment to have a teen-friendly environment, but you will definitely need to provide things for them to do. Nothing kills the fun-factor faster than “I’m bored”.

So talk to your teen about what he and his friends enjoy doing and consider how that information fits into your personal home and lifestyle. If you’re a sports-minded family, you probably already have a good deal of sports equipment and a yard to use it in. If your family enjoys movies, host a movie-night for your teen’s friends (this means YOU can pick the appropriate movies and if any movie is in the least way questionable, forget it, no matter what your teen says).

To make this idea even more effective, realize that one of the best things you can do as you are parenting teenagers is to develop an environment of fun in your everyday homelike. We have employed the ‘work hard, play hard’ philosophy with our teens to encourage an attitude of personal excellence. Waiting for dinner to cook? Play a hand of cards at the kitchen table. Need to spend Saturday morning doing yard work together? Toss a ball around during well-deserved breaks.

Board games are great for families, too. Charades keep everyone laughing and involved. Family sports teach fitness, teamwork and a positive attitude, whether one is winning or losing.

Bottom line? Play games with your family, make fun a meaningful part of your parenting game plan and your teenager’s friends will find it hard to resist hanging out at your home.

– Friendly works.

You can talk to your teenager’s friends. Go ahead. Try it. It may be uncomfortable at first, but you’ll both get better at it. Pay attention to names, too. Teenagers love to hear their name (don’t we all?) and the parent who can remember a teen’s name when they walk in the door gains high marks for being friendly.

Obviously, getting to know the parents of your teen’s friends is a good thing, too, but not always possible. Let’s face it. Some teens your teenager will befriend will have family situations very different from your own. Use this fact to help your teenager see what works and what doesn’t in families, what matters and what genuinely doesn’t matter. This is another way to teach your values to your teen.

As best as is reasonable, be an accepting place for your teenager’s friends. Who knows? Your home may be the only happy haven some of those teens have ever seen.

– Don’t forget the food!

Teens know how to eat. Their metabolism is on over-drive and they need regular foraging to keep that energy level sustained. You can help a lot by keeping interesting and convenient foods around but pay close attention to nutrition.

Teens need significant nutrition and by most accounts are not getting it. Dips can be low-fat and yummy, and pizza can be packed with nutrients without overloading on the fat and salt. Remember when your teen was a baby? You watched everything that went into his mouth. Well, now that you are parenting a teenager, take back that control and teach excellent nutrition to your teen.

– Be there, but with balance.

Parenting teenagers means walking a fine line between privacy and supervision. This is easily seen when your teen is entertaining her friends at your home. Don’t make it your goal to ‘disappear’ for the evening. Get to know your teen’s friends, inquire about their families and let them know you’re glad they are in your home.

But don’t hover. Unless the plan was to make it a teen/adult time from the beginning, whip them in a game of ping-pong then bow out for a while. Have them help set up the taco bar then disappear to do a little work of your own. Pop back into the teen room from time to time just to say “hi” and share a laugh.

You get the idea.

Parenting teenagers can be a wild and exciting ride. What’s important is that, as the parent, you take appropriate control. Making your home a place where your teen and her friends will enjoy spending time can go a long ways towards staying in the parental driving seat.

Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 26 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at www.paintedgold.com . Visit her website and learn more about parenting teenagers today.

By: Colleen Langenfeld

Mom or Dad, this is an easy question. You want him to trust you! YOU want to be the person of influence in your teen’s life. You want your teen to listen to you! You want her to respect you. You want him to come to you when he needs advice.

Parenting teenagers effectively requires learning some fundamental skills. These skills are not difficult and you probably already know them. However, skip over them or refuse to apply them appropriately and you may find your teen wants nothing to do with you.

1. Listening.

If you want your teenager to listen to you, you must first listen to him. That’s old news, right? You already know all about that, don’t you? But are you doing it?

If you are serious about encouraging your teenager to listen to you, then try this little exercise. Keep a log of exactly how many minutes each day you *intentionally* and *intensely* listen to your teen. No newspapers or cell phones between you. You must be looking her in the eyes and you must be reflecting her words back to her in order to make sure you understand what she’s saying as precisely as possible.

Do you do this just ten minutes a day? You can do anything for ten minutes a day, right? Give it a try for a solid thirty days.

Do you find this difficult? Look at it this way. If you won’t listen in this way to your teen, why in the world should he *really* listen to you?

2. Respect.

Respect is an earned quality and nowhere is this truer than when parenting teenagers. Teens are very good at knowing when someone is truly on their side or when they are being merely accommodated.

If you want them to respect your time, then respect theirs. If you want your teen to respect your conversations, then respect theirs. Teach them the ‘how’ of respectful behavior by extending it to them, and then tell them you expect it back from them.

Here’s a strong hint: if you are working hard on your listening skills and giving your teen your absolute, undivided attention each and every day, you are moving up on her respect meter. Fast.

3. Person of influence.

Every parent of a teenager wants to be the go-to person for their teen. And rightfully so. Don’t make the mistake of trying to be your teen’s best friend, however. That’s not your job at this critical part of their life.

They need you to be a lot more than their friend. They need you to be their *parent* and no one else can take over that role, so really throw yourself into the part!

When parenting teenagers, you need to be a leader in your family. Don’t know how to do that? Look at your own life and ask yourself if *you* are interested in following *you*. Your answers will tell you a lot about how your teen looks at you and what you need to do to be the person your young teenager knows he can trust with the cares and concerns of his life.

Here’s another parenting hint: focusing on listening and respect will get you headed in the right direction quickly. Every one of us who are parenting teenagers need to be skilled at those qualities.

When it comes to parenting teenagers, there are no magic formulas that bring guaranteed success. But there are some simple strategies that have been proven to work time after time. To be the person your teenager comes to when he needs something, lay a strong foundation of respect and careful listening.

It won’t be long until you’re hearing a lot more than whom he thinks will win the game this weekend.

Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 26 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at www.paintedgold.com . Visit her website and learn more about parenting teenagers today.

By: Yana Berln

First to arrive and the last to depart, I left my girlfriends house at half past midnight, got into my car and headed toward my parents’ house in Los Angeles. My daughter, who is currently attending UCLA, is living with my parents, and I was looking forward to spending the night cuddling her like so many years ago when she was just a baby.

I had been up since very early that morning, but felt like I had more energy than ever. Tonight was one of our Book Club meetings, and reconnecting with my girlfriends always recharges my batteries. I kept thinking how six of us reading the same book could batter up different opinions and views. In particular, it amazed me how three of us thought that the main character died tragically, while the other three insisted that he did not. Discussing books is always fun, and catching up and bonding with girlfriends is priceless.

My busy day required several hours on the cell phone, and by the end of the evening the battery had run dead and my charger was at home. Around 9:00 p.m., I called my other kids to say goodnight and mentioned that my battery was dying. Knowing that three of them were with my husband and one was with my parents, I could relax and enjoy my evening without any worries.

As I got into my car after a delightful evening of book discussion, dinner, a few drinks and a lot of gossip, I thought about my parents and how much they enjoy having my daughter live with them. Daisy appreciates living there as well, but is always concerned that they worry about her.

Before Daisy moved in, my mom swore that she would not give her a hard time about going out and coming home late. So far, she has kept her end of the bargain. The only problem is, she doesn’t bother Daisy; instead she calls me!
Déjà vu All Over Again

As I parked my car and climbed the few steps to my parents’ town home, I opened the door and froze. There stood mom in her pajamas, a look of horror on her face.

Before I had a chance to ask what was wrong, she began screaming that she has been up for hours, worried sick about me. She tried calling me, but my phone was dead. She didn’t know if something happened, and why didn’t I call, and on and on she went.

As I stood there at 43 years of age, a mother of four grown children, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Part of me felt like asking mom what she was doing up so late, and part felt like I was back in high school, about to get grounded. Only when my mom proclaimed that, “she will talk to my husband” and that “these book clubs have to end, after all how long does it take to discuss one book?” could I no longer contain my laughter.

I love my overly protective, neurotic Jewish mother, but getting lectured at 1:00 in the morning for staying out too late was just too much to take with a straight face. When I asked her to keep quiet in fear of waking my father, mom turned around and announced that she was going to bed.

Still laughing, I entered the bedroom where my daughter laid snickering under the sheets. She told me that grandma waits up for her every time she leaves the house, and also said that my mom made her call and text all of my friends to see if they knew of my whereabouts. Fortunately, my daughter wasn’t worried about me, and actually found the whole incident very entertaining.

As I climbed into bed with my ‘baby,” we had a long talk about how a mother’s job is never done. In my mom’s eyes, I was still a child that needs protection – regardless of my age – and that will never change.

It was a real eye opener for Daisy to see me standing there, ready to take the punishment from my mom. Only this time, I could risk having a smile on my face without the fear of getting sent to my room or ruining my chances of going out that weekend. As my daughter turned to say goodnight, she said, “Mommy, I promise never to run out of power on my cell phone” and we both happily fell asleep.

Before I left for home the next morning, I made an orchid arrangement for my mom as a silent thank you for loving all of us the way she did.

Yana Berlin is a proud mother of 4 wonderful children and a wife to a wonderful man that she adores.

Her oldest daughter is 20 and the youngest 15. As all of her friends began going through all sorts of changes with their bodies and mind, she took it upon herself to create this community of wonderful women who share the same goals, dreams, issues and fears. She feels that if women continue to help one another through exchange of information, nourishment and support, they will own the world.

Her goal is to connect women all over the world to communicate with each other so they can experience the same support and guidance that she receives from her girlfriends. Please Visit Yana’s site http://www.Fabulously40.com

By: Colleen Langenfeld

I have been mothering for many years and am currently parenting a teenager (my third). One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that if your teen has stopped listening to you, then you have lost the parenting game.

Recently I sat down with a young woman (I’ll call her Cindy) who is 17. I asked her to tell me what types of situations make her stop listening to her parents.

Here are Cindy’s answers.

“I don’t listen to my parents when they start yelling. Doesn’t matter what they are saying, I just don’t hear them anymore.

“Another situation that makes me stop listening to my parents is when I am trying to relate a story about a friend and my parent interrupts me with a lecture about how I do the same thing.

“Well maybe I do and maybe you need to tell me something about it, but hearing me out first would at least tell me you care about what I’m saying, too.

“Another example of when I stop listening to my parents is when they lay out requirements for me in a specific situation and I meet those requirements, but I still don’t get what I was working towards. Somehow the rules change on me. This makes me want to find a new loophole that will get around what my parents say but still somewhat satisfies their requirements. I feel like I’m not being listened to so I have to work around them.

“One more thing I’d like to add, too. Teenagers hate hearing “because I said so”. My mom tells me sometimes that’s just what needs to be said, and I think that’s okay if it doesn’t get over-used. But really, teenagers need to know the reason behind a rule so we can learn to make those decisions ourselves.”

Wow. Powerful stuff. The implications from Cindy’s comments are clear. Parenting a teenager can be a lot easier if you work with your teen, not against him. Like the rest of us, teenagers want to know they’re being heard. (If you can use more strategies for parenting teenagers, please see the author’s resource box following this article.)

Parenting a teenager is a bit of a detective game. Check your own behaviors and words to see if you are exhibiting any of the signs Cindy talks about that makes her stop listening to her parents. Be honest with yourself.

Watch closely during the interactions you have with your teen. Take note of when the conversation closes down. Is your teenager really done talking or has something you’ve said or done made her put up an emotional wall?

This may seem like a lot of hard work to you and you’re right, it is. But you are the adult in this situation and it’s up to you as the parent to show your teen how relationships work. You are in charge of the communication tools that can get your teenager listening to you.

Be interested in your teenager and his life. It may take awhile for your teen to respond to you, but hang in there. Believe me, it’s worth the investment of time and energy.

Here’s another powerful idea that you can try today. How about asking YOUR teen what makes her stop listening to you? Do you have the courage to hear the answers?

I’ll bet you do. Sometimes the hardest part is getting started. Here’s what you need to know: when it comes to parenting a teenager, listening gets easier with practice.

So go give your teenager a hug and ask him a question that requires you to listen.

You can do it! And your teen will come to love you for it.

Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 26 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at www.paintedgold.com . Visit her website and grab more strategies for parenting a teenager today.