By Kim Fredrickson

There are many new and wonderful experiences that teens often can’t wait to delve into. For parents, this season of parenting brings excitement for our kids as well as fear about what they are getting themselves into. Dating and Sex is certainly in this category.

There are a lot of understandable questions about this topic – so here we go.

When do you start talking to your kids about sex, contraception, and STD’s?

An important thing to remember is that these topics are best handled in a series of conversations, rather than one big talk. It would be best to start conversations about the body, caring for it, not abusing it, not letting others abuse it, etc very early on – this sets the context for continuing talks about the body. Talking to your child about sex before puberty is imperative, with continuing talks adding to the information you’ve shared. It is also great to start the conversation asking them what they know.

• “Have you ever wondered how babies get inside the mommy’s tummy?” (obviously for a younger child)
• “What have you heard about STD’s?”
• “What kind of stories have you heard at school about sex?”
• “How far do you think it’s OK to go on a date?”
• “What would you do if a boy/girl wanted to go farther physically that you were comfortable?”
• “How will you know on the inside that you’re being pushed to go farther than you’re ready?”

Starting with questions is very important, because it gives you important information about what they know and where they are in their thinking process. This will clue you into misinformation they might have, so that you can gently correct it.

How do you bring up the issue of contraception?

Ideally you would bring it up in a series of conversations you have with your teen. After explaining the biology of sex, as well as your own convictions about where sex fits in the life of a relationship, it would be natural to explain how sex does not have to necessarily result in pregnancy. Pregnancy can be avoided through abstinence, and the chances can be lessened by contraception, which tries to make sure the egg and the sperm do not connect. This can be done by preventing the egg from being present (birth control pills), or the sperm not making it to the egg through condoms, spermicidal, etc.

Since teens do not tend to play out the results of their actions to the end, they need us to help them do so – and this could occur in another one of these conversations. When a person decides to be active sexually, they are also signing up for the possibility of lots of other outcomes, such as:

• Pregnancy
• STD’s
• Regret when and if the relationship ends
• Possible lowered chance of becoming pregnant at a later date when desired
• Gossip

Sex is an adult activity, not a recreational sport to be decided in the moment. As their parents, we need to help them think through this decision, as we do the other important decisions in their life.

Other things your teens need to know:

• Differentiate between dating and sex. Dating does not have to include sex.
• Accurate information about STD’s (most teens do not know that STD’s can be transmitted by oral sex).
• They need to decide where their own line is regarding sexual activity. Trying to decide this in the middle of a passionate moment, or when experiencing sexual pressure from a date is not a wise move.
• They need help paying attention to their own internal world, and their intuition when they feel unsafe or uncomfortable in a situation.
• They need help coming up with an exit plan when they feel uncomfortable or unsafe, so as not to be caught in an unwanted situation.
• They need to be able to set limits, stand up for themselves and say, “no”.

Things you need to know:

• The part of a person’s brain that controls planning, impulse control, and foreseeing consequences is not fully developed until age 25. Therefore, a teen’s ability to think through their decisions, especially in such an emotionally and physically charged area as their budding sexuality is not as developed as they think. They need you to help them think through decisions.
• They need accurate information – otherwise most of their information comes from their peers and is probably riddled with inaccuracies.
• It is best to take a “coaching” approach talking to your teens about this and other issues rather than a lecture format. One works, and helps your teen develop the ability to things through issues (coaching) and the other style (lecture) causes kids to shut down and not accept your influence.
• It is understandable to be tempted to ignore the issue and hope your kids will be OK. Don’t give into this temptation. Instead, get educated and be brave enough to have these important conversations with your teens. Teens whose parents talk to them about dating/sex, are better prepared and happier.
• The important backdrop is establishing a close relationship with your teen, preferably from way back. Sometimes we can panic about things like dating/sex and come down hard on the rules- without having a strong connected relationship. So, work on listening, spending time, being encouraging, as well as setting guidelines for dating. When a close relationship is in place, teens will be much more likely to take in your influence and advice about dating/sex.
• Try to be calm and in control of your responses. Overreacting, panicking, and controlling responses will just result in them shutting down and not sharing – and you want to keep the lines of communication open. It is important during these conversations to keep yourself as steady and non–reactive as possible. The bigger picture here is keeping the lines of communication open and to keep them feeling safe to share with you. Try some deep breathing, and coach yourself to stay centered – and bite your lip to keep from saying something reactive out of fear. Even though it’s easy to be scared of what they are getting into, we need to stay the grown-up and keep ourselves centered.
• Don’t go through this time alone – get support and input from other parents at your teen’s school, your church or synagogue, or neighborhood parents groups. It helps to get ideas, support, and empathy from other parents who understand the challenges you are facing.

Helpful Books

• Boundaries with Teens by John Townsend
• Talking to Your Kids About Sex: How to Have a Lifetime of Age-Appropriate Conversations with Your Children About Healthy Sexuality by Mark Laaser
• How to Talk with Your Child About Sex: It’s Best to Start Early, But It’s Never Too Late – A Step by Step Guide for Parents by Linda and Richard EyreWhy Do They Act That Way? by David Walsh

I hope this has been helpful. Parenting is challenging, Your teens need you. You can do it!

Kim Fredrickson, M.S., Marriage and Family Therapist (CA MFC 22635) and Life, Parent, and Relationship Coach is the author of many popular CD’s and articles that will help you build Encouraging Relationships in your life. To learn more about Kim and sign up for more FREE Relationships Tips, visit her site at http://www.EncouragingRelationships.com. You can also visit her newest site at http://www.kimfredrickson.com.

By Kim Fredrickson

There are many new and wonderful experiences that teens often can’t wait to delve into. For parents, this season of parenting brings excitement for our kids as well as fear about what they are getting themselves into. Dating is certainly in this category.

Dating for teens is often not the dating that we as their parents experienced many years ago. Because of this, we often don’t understand the pressures and expectations they face. Hopefully these tips will help you both understand your teenager as well as establish guidelines and consequences to make dating a wonderful time of growth and fun for them.

How has dating changed?

• Today there is a different understanding of what dating is…and it runs the gamut. When I grew up a boy asked you out, picked you up at a certain time, you went out together, and then he brought you home at a certain time. Now there is a range of what is considered “dating”. Now it is more referred to as “going out”, “seeing each other” and includes holding hands at school, going out with a group of friends, wandering around the mall, etc. It is important to not question this way of describing a budding relationship, or they will stop talking to you about it – and you don’t want that. The other end of this continuum is “hooking up” which implies sexual encounters, often very quickly into the relationship.
• The expectation that dating can begin as early as 12 or 13. When I was dating, the standard amongst my friends was no dating until age 16.
• An expectation that dating and sex are linked. There are a lot of assumptions now about this. Teen girls need to know that dating and sex are separate. Dating is spending time with a boy to get to know him better. Dating does not imply sex. Our daughters need to know how to set this line for themselves, and have a plan to get out of a situation with a guy that feels unsafe or uncomfortable.
• There are greater concerns with increased drinking and drug use than there was when I was dating. Alcohol use makes people stupid. In 50% of arrests alcohol is a key factor.

How can parents approach the subject of dating?

• Teens whose parents talk to them about dating, are better prepared and happier.
• The important backdrop is establishing a close relationship with your teen, preferably from way back. Sometimes we can panic about things like dating and come down hard on the rules – without having a strong connected relationship. So, work on listening, spending time, being encouraging, as well as setting guidelines for dating. When a close relationship is in place, teens will be much more likely to take in your influence and advice about dating.
• Try to be calm and in control of your responses. Overreacting, panicking, and controlling responses will just result in them shutting down and not sharing – and you want to keep the lines of communication open.
• Dating guidelines and clear consequences need to be in a broader context of clear guidelines and consequences in other areas such as chores, curfews, how you treat others, etc. This will make the rules about do’s and don’t of dating more readily acceptable because they are part of existing training of standards, responsibility, and consequences.
• Parents need to have clear guidelines in place about dating, what is allowable and not, as well as what the consequences are if these guidelines are broken. A written contract, which is crafted and signed by both parent(s) and teen can also be very helpful, and then there are no questions.
• Parents need to enforce consequences, even when teens try to persuade them otherwise. A teen’s brain is not fully formed and in shape to make wise decisions until 25, even if they sound like they know it all. Parents need to be empathetic with their teens, and stick to the guidelines they’ve both agreed to.

What I hear about in my office

• Many teens are not prepared for dating emotionally and practically. There is a lot of naïveté’ about things like the possibility of date rape, a 33% chance of teen girl experiencing some kind of verbal, physical, or sexual abuse during a dating relationship, and the prevalence of STD’s.
• Teens often haven’t developed the ability to trust themselves and their intuition and the sense to get out of bad situations.
• They often don’t have an escape plan set in their mind, and a way to let their parents know they need help.
• There is a lot of alcohol use occurring with teenagers which radically increases the chances of being harmed in some way.
• I also hear about some wonderful dating experiences that pave the way for great relationships in the future.

Some possible guidelines

Of course the guidelines set will be up to each parent. This is just a place to start your own thinking process.

Ages 14 to 15

• Group dating only – things like going to a movie; hanging out at a friends home–only if you know the parents and that they will be supervising; football games; hanging out at your home for a movie or dinner.
• Things like agreed upon curfews, them letting you know where they are, and if they change locations are important guidelines to make clear.

Age 16

• Single dating (if you feel like your teenager is ready for this)
• With curfew
• With them letting you know where they are, and if they’ve changed locations
• Meeting the date of your daughter is preferable
• Not dating anyone more than 2 years older. This is because the rate of abuse and possible over control in a relationship increases significantly if there is more than a 2 year difference in ages. More than 2 years older is no big deal as an adult, but as a teen it is a huge difference.

Qualities you want to see in your teenager before single dating:

• Are they responsible overall? (not perfect)
• Do they show respect for themselves and others?
• Are they able to stand up for themselves, and get out of uncomfortable or unsafe situations?
• Are they basically trustworthy? (not perfect)

Where do you start?

Assess the above information and decide where you need to start. Is it:

• Getting tighter on guidelines and consequences in other areas that have been lax?
• Talking to your teenager about what constitutes a good healthy relationship, and asking them what kind of qualities they want to see in the person they date? Help them come up with what qualities or treatment they would not put up with.
• Figuring out what standards you want to set?
• Talking to friends to get more input or to process your thoughts?
• Figuring out what consequences you decide will go with each infringement?
• Talking to your teen to let them know about your thoughts, and coming up with an agreement together which you put into a contract to both sign?
• Inviting your son or daughter’s girl/boyfriend over to get to know them better.
• Work on building a close emotional relationship with your teens.

I hope this has been helpful. Parenting is challenging, Your teens need you. You can do it!

Kim Fredrickson, M.S., Marriage and Family Therapist (CA MFC 22635) and Life, Parent, and Relationship Coach is the author of many popular CD’s and articles that will help you build Encouraging Relationships in your life. To learn more about Kim and sign up for more FREE Relationships Tips, visit her site at http://www.EncouragingRelationships.com. You can also visit her newest site at http://www.kimfredrickson.com.

By Kim Fredrickson

A crucial part of parenting teenagers is developing the ability to tell yourself encouraging statements about yourself and your teenager. Repeat these statements to yourself everyday.

It’s OK, this is a stage of his growth.

Take a deep breath, slow down, you can do this.

God, please give me your strength, your compassion, your perspective, your love and acceptance for my teen.

Remember, he/she needs to push away from me in order to gain her own sense of self.

This feels so personal, but it’s not — In order to separate, he needs to separate from me. When it happens, it isn’t smooth.

Him taking time in his room is most likely his way of thinking through all that’s going on inside. It’s not a rejection of me.

I will still make attempts to connect, even if they are rebuffed. They are going in, even if I can’t see it now.

My teen is going through a lot — stress, changes, pain, and confusion. I need to notice this and have it count, not dismiss it and expect her to be OK even if her world is falling apart (or shaken, changing, etc).

It’s OK if I don’t understand everything, or know what to do. I am learning too.

My teen and I are worth the effort, and so is our relationship.

I’m on the right road. Keep going. I don’t have to do this alone. I’ll call a friend for a listening ear and prayer.

God will bless my efforts as I lean on Him for strength, courage and understanding.

He/She will eventually become an adult, with brighter times ahead.

As hard as this is, God is using it to grow me up on the inside.

Remember, my teen’s brain is not fully developed. His ability to think through things, plan, and delay his impulses isn’t mature yet — but it will be eventually!

Remember to keep the big picture in mind — my long-term relationship with my teen. I want him/her to visit me in the future — grandkids — good relationship.

It’s my job to keep myself under control emotionally, even if my teen is out of control — remember, one of us has to be an adult — it’s me!

It’s OK to give myself time to think through how I want to handle this — I’ll get back to him later about consequences.

Kim Fredrickson, M.S., Marriage and Family Therapist (CA MFC 22635) and Life, Parent, and Relationship Coach is the author of many popular CD’s and articles that will help you build Encouraging Relationships in your life. To learn more about Kim and sign up for more FREE Relationships Tips, visit her site at http://www.EncouragingRelationships.com. You can also visit her newest site at http://www.kimfredrickson.com.

By: Colleen Langenfeld

Do you have a teenager who is begging for more freedom? Are you uncertain how much freedom is too much during the teen years? Parenting teenagers requires a parent to walk a fine line between boundaries and letting go. Out of four children, I am currently parenting my third teenager and I’d like to share some simple guidelines that will soothe your parental anxieties and help your home life be calmer.

– Know your teen.

It’s easy to say everyone is different; it’s more difficult to describe, in detail, those differences. You will find parenting teenagers less-stressful and your teen will respond better to you if you spend serious time knowing your teenager.

Yes, this is called relationship and it’s spelled T-I-M-E. There’s nothing new here. But are you doing this? Are you building the relationship with your teenager that will last a lifetime? Here’s a little test: think of your two best friends. Calculate how much time you spend weekly with each, whether in person, on the phone, or online. How does that amount of time stack up with what you give your teen?

Another worthwhile relationship test is to think about who knows you the best in the whole world. Who would you trust to go to when you have a problem? You want your teen to think of you in this way. If you’re not there, start building that today.

– Acquiring freedom is a process. Not an event.

Once you feel you have an accurate understanding of your teen, you can measure his or her maturity levels. This will tell you a lot about the amount of freedom your young adult is ready for. If the maturity level is still young, give limited freedom. Be intentional about helping your teenager grow appropriately and add the desired freedoms at each level.

– Practice. Learn from failures. Repeat.

That’s the simple formula for parenting teenagers into the adult world. It’s the way we all grow and develop. Be your teen’s mentor for this process (as opposed to being their best friend). Support and encourage them; go over where they failed and together strategize on new solutions they can try.

– Look ahead.

In our home, we look to the future and project, approximately, when our teenagers are going to be leaving home. For us, usually that’s college age. They need to be able to handle a considerable amount of freedom (be pretty much independent) by the time they leave home. Then we work backwards and start looking for ways to grow them into that much freedom step by step.

Since all teenagers are different, we’ve needed to be flexible in the ‘how’ not the ‘what’. We’ve had one teen who was always ahead of the process. He wanted total freedom upfront. So we established boundaries (guidelines) he had to meet to EARN the freedoms he eagerly wanted, one at a time. As he displayed the responsibility necessary to achieve those guidelines, we rewarded him with more freedom and explained the new boundaries at each level.

Another of our teens needed coaxing to move forward. So we looked for strategies that would increase his self-confidence and cause him to look forward with excitement. Again, boundaries were discussed and implemented. He blossomed quickly when he discovered he was in charge of his own future. We were simply there to support, guide and provide a safety net (plus a whole lot of cheerleading).

Parenting teenagers is an exciting thrill ride that can be highly satisfying as you watch your young adult mature and be ready to face the world. As a parent you are building the future in vital ways through your influence in your teen’s life. As you stand up to that honorable challenge, your teen will respond to your leadership.

That’s when you realize you truly have built a wonderful relationship with your teenager.

Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 26 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at www.paintedgold.com . Visit her website and learn more about parenting teenagers today.

By: Colleen Langenfeld

In my home, I am currently enjoying a high school senior. My third child is preparing to leave the nest and build a life for herself.

While parenting teenagers, I have come to realize there are some fundamentals that can help a parent ready their teen to move onto the next stage of their young life. Here are a few I have identified as extremely helpful.

– Take high school seriously.

My teenagers have all been quite different in personality and all have experienced high school in their own unique ways. That’s fine. The important lesson I have required them to consider is that ‘what you do in high school has consequences for your future’.

That doesn’t mean if you make a mistake in high school you cannot overcome it. Not at all. It just means that the teenager who sees high school as an important step to her future will seriously consider her part in it. She will take more responsibility for her academic learning. She will take advantage of opportunities to learn how to function in a bigger environment through sports, clubs, or volunteer work.

She will appreciate that high school can be a lot of fun, but it can’t be ALL fun if she is to be ready and excited for the steps that will come after graduation.

When you’re parenting teenagers it’s your job to help your teen see these issues, pointing them out and helping her make any necessary adjustments.

– Look at the big picture.

Parenting teenagers means helping them find their niche in the world. Career assessments are an important part of that process. Most high schools have career programs in place for teens to use. Check to see if your school has these tools and encourage your teenager to use them. Often!

I started using career assessments in our teens’ first year of high school. I continued using them throughout their four years until our teens were comfortable with the personal assessment process. Sometimes that meant our teen had an idea about what major he wanted to choose in college. Sometimes not. That didn’t matter. It was the process of self-discovery that held the most value.

Something else to keep in mind in this day and age is that the career your teenager starts with is probably NOT going to be the only one he has in his life. Current job projections are that most workers in the western world will hold a variety of positions over their careers. Retraining will become the norm.

Knowing this can take the pressure off your teen. And you.

– Get ready emotionally.

When I went to college, I was not ready. I was ready academically, I was ready financially, however I was not ready emotionally. Because of this, I struggled tremendously my first semester and missed out on a lot my college had to offer. You can see this same phenomenon today on college campuses as emotionally-unprepared freshmen isolate themselves, indulge in irresponsible and inappropriate behavior or worse.

I took this lesson to heart and have been intentional with each of my children prepping them for the emotional challenges they will face once they leave home. While there are several parts to this goal, at some point this has involved empowering them with the ability to be away from home comfortably. I’ve accomplished this by using summer jobs in other places (Boy Scout camps, family businesses), and long visits to relatives in other states.

This has often involved tears. That’s okay. As long as the child is safe and secure, discovering they can overcome homesickness on their own is a powerful tool for their future and one that they need *before* they leave for college.

While these are only a few pieces of the parenting teenagers’ puzzle, they are important pieces. Let your teen know you want to help her get ready for her future. Show her how to instill confidence in her ability to make decisions about her life, as well as make changes when necessary.

As a parent of a teen, keeping your focus on these areas will help you intentionally guide your teen forward towards their bright and promising future.

Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 26 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at www.paintedgold.com . Visit her website and learn more about parenting teenagers today.