I knew at the age of 16 that I was passionate about Jesus, and beauty and fashion, but could I turn that into a career. Maybe. My mom and dad thought it would be safer to be a counselor, and began encouraging me to pursue the education necessary to be a licensed counselor. For several years, I pursued the field of counseling one hundred percent. I went through many graduate school applications and grueling interviews. I was accepted to three different graduate school programs. I even took several classes in one particular program, only to realize more and more that it was not my calling or my passion.

Well known Christian author Max Lucado suggests in his work, The Cure for the Common Life that instead of asking our children, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” a better question would be “How can I help you become what God has already designed you to be?” You see, God designed me for a special purpose, to be a specific thing, and he has done that for each individual on the face of this earth, so it is important that we are allowed to be what it is God designed for us to be.

God set his plan for each of us in motion the day that we were born. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” We are all as Christians certain of that great plan, that story of our life.

We all have a story, and as we live our lives, we are living out our story. We must also allow our children to live their story. Lucado says STORY stands for:

S – our strengths, those things that we do well,
T – our topics, the things we are most interested in,
O – our optimal conditions, the conditions in which we do our best work, perform to the best of our ability,
R – our relationships, those with whom we share and learn from,
Y – and our yes moments, those primary outcomes that bring us the most joy.

We must allow our daughters to live out their very own story. A card I got recently as congratulations on the birth of my baby girl said this,

“She will dream her very own dreams, Maybe she will look like you, talk like you, smile like you … maybe she’ll sing, paint and dance like you, but she’ll dream her very own dreams.”

Dreams are important, they give us something to look forward to with anticipation. I know you had your own dreams, now allow your daughter to not only have hers, but to live them out. Be her biggest cheerleader and watch her win at this game we call life. Help her along the way with words of encouragement, many hugs and love and even some discipline if it is in order.

However, do not discourage your daughter from living out her dreams. God gave them to her and it is important that she follows His path for her life. You can be assured that if she is following God, that there are many plans in her heart, but the Lord is directing her steps.

Speaker/writer Alyssa Avant has a passion to turn the hearts of girls toward God. Alyssa combines her experience in the modeling industry and student ministry to reach out to girls who are pressured and confused by the messages of style, fashion, and beauty with her ministry Beauty by Design Ministries. She is married with three children.

When children are 2, they get angry and they lay on the floor and kick and scream. While we don’t particularly like these tantrums, as parents we all share stories of the tantrums our children throw.

As adults we too get angry. Some of us go take a walk. Some of us find journaling helpful. Some of us yell at the person closest to us, later feeling badly and needing to apologize. Some of us engage in activities that are self harming such as over eating, drinking and worse.

Teens get angry too. I’ve had moms actually say to me, “I can’t believe he/she is so angry over “that”. “That” of course refers to something that mom does not believe the teen should be angry about. I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen adults throw temper tantrums in what I think are the oddest of places. I’ve seen adults scream at retail employees. I’ve seen adults literally throw food in a restaurant. I’ve read about adults shooting guns at someone on a freeway. For me, these are not things that would push my buttons, but the reality is, we all get angry over different things. We all have different buttons that get pushed by various activities and we all have a different perspective on what’s just happened.

Teens are no different. I’ve seen my own kids get angry over unfairness in a classroom, over a friend saying or doing something they didn’t like, and yes, they even get angry at me and the decisions I make. Anger is ok. It’s how we handle the anger that makes us who we are, and as parents, we do have the right to tell our kids that certain behaviors when angry are not ok.

For example, it is not ok to slam doors, ever. I don’t care how angry you are, do not slam a door in my house. It is also never ok to hit another person. It does not matter how angry you are at that other person, you may never hit them. If you are feeling angry, take a walk, go swimming, hit a baseball, throw a basketball, kick a soccer ball. Work out the anger in a way that is not hurtful to another person or to yourself.

Both of my kids refuse to talk to me when they are angry. This is ok. I know that when they calm down and when the anger passes, they will come and tell me what had them so upset. Sometimes that might be the next day, or sometimes it might be the next week. It’s only when the anger is gone that you begin to see choices to solve whatever it is that brought on the anger in the first place. Anger can help lead you to decisions. Anger can help lead you to change.

Teenagers need to be allowed to feel anger. It helps them grow. It helps them learn how to have control. It’s hard to not yell or slam or a door. Having that control leads to increased self confidence in their own abilities. Being allowed to feel anger also helps teens learn to problem solve. This is something they will use forever. It’s a wonderful skill to learn.

Next time your teen is angry, smile and make a few suggestions on how to get rid of some of the steam, but do let them know that it’s quite ok to feel that way.

Article by:

Audrey Okaneko is mom to two girls. She can be reached at audreyoka@cox.net or visited at www.scrapping-made-simple.com

Do you have teens? Do you know what they need from us? Here’s some points for you to consider.

•To listen and understand them. Specifically to understand how tough it is to be a teenager, and to not minimize all the stresses and pressures they are facing.

•To have genuine empathy based upon an accurate understanding and respect of what they are going through. Empathy means — what would it be like to be my teen in this situation, not what would it be like to be myself in this situation.

•To keep ourselves centered (we can’t be dependent on their behavior for us to be OK). We need to stay the grown up.

•To have some reserves left for them.  In a survey done of 1000 teenagers, their number one wish was that their parents weren’t so tired and stressed out (especially about work).  I don’t know what your life is like, but if there is anything you could cut out or make easier, do it so that there is more of you available. Ideas include cutting out some activities, using paper plates and crock pots so less of you is spent cooking and cleaning up. If financially feasible, pay for extra help such as gardening or cleaning or even consider selling your house and moving to a smaller place – so there is more of you available.

•Lots of encouragement, even if it’s just for little things, and small steps. They are a jumbled mess inside and are a “work in progress” even if they tell you otherwise. They need lots of encouragement.

•Help them practically navigate their world and decisions, remembering that their brain is under construction, and is not functioning at full capacity. Specifically, they need help thinking ahead, and problem solving solutions to their problems. This is only effective AFTER they feel listened to and understood.

•Be available when they open up.  It’s often at night.  Hang out near them; they will often open up when you are hanging out. If you can, stay up and sit nearby, and often they will just start talking.

•Take care of yourself. Get the support and help you need. If you don’t take care of yourself, then you will be overly wrapped up in what they are doing in order for you to feel like you are OK. You need to be “OK inside” despite their behavior.

•If you are married, take care of your marriage as best you can. Stresses in the marriage often are felt and expressed by teenagers.

•Find effective ways to deal with your emotions, especially anxiety, stress, and disappointments. All of us are vulnerable to reacting in ineffective ways when we are not able to handle our emotions.

•To get them outside help if they are struggling with depression, anxiety or have gone through some kind of trauma.  If your teen is dealing with any of these burdens, it is like having to handle the normal confusion of the teenage years with a 500 pound weight around their neck.

I hope these insights are helpful to you — hang in there — take care of yourself — get the encouragement and support that you need — you deserve it.

© Kim Fredrickson, M.S., Marriage and Family Therapist (CA MFC 22635) and Life, Parent, and Relationship Coach is the author of many popular CD’s and articles that will help you build Encouraging Relationships in your life. To learn more about Kim and sign up for more FREE Relationships Tips like these, check out her weekly Podcast, Encouragement for Your Soul at http://www.KimsPodcast.comwww.KimsPodcast.com  as well as visit http://www.EncouragingRelationships.com for more practical help with kids and teens.

NOTE: You’re welcome to “reprint” this article online as long as it remains complete and unaltered (including the “about the author” info at the end), and you send a copy of your reprint to Kim@EncouragingRelationships.com

Valentine’s Day is near, what are you planning to do for your love one? I know you’ve read somewhere from the internet that you should surprise your love one by making your date creative, be interesting, plan well, and have sense of humor when doing all the above.

But what many people want to know about Valentine’s Day tips are, what gifts should you choose? What ideas should you have to do for your surprises?

Here are 5 gifts tips for women to men:
1. Hi-tech gadgets and toys – this gift tips is suitable for 80% of men in the world! Get him some toys like Robo Sapien Robot, Paint Ball Kit, iPod. Pocket PC, Mp3 Players…etc

2. Car accessories – Is your men a car craz? Get a car magazine from your nearest bookstore and start looking for tips to shop for the best car accessories. This works only for men who are obsess with cars, so please do know your men.

3. Computer parts – Like men who love Hi-tech gadgets, there’re as high as 80% men who love computers, you can know when men start to lecture about their geek hobby in computers. Get ideas from computer magazine and shop for the perfect computer upgrades parts as a gift.

4. Clothes – Some men have special taste in clothes. Forget the tie, get your man a stylish shirt, I’m sure he has lots of ties to go with it.

5. Perfume – If your man owns more clothes than you do, giving perfume as a gift will be a good idea.

Here are 5 gifts tips for men to women:

1. Write personalized love letter or poem – There is no shortcut; spend some time creating words from the bottom of your heart. I’m sure you can do it if you REALLY love her so much. And please don’t copy from else where, dumb blonde may not be so dumb nowadays.

2. Flowers go with card, chocolates or jewelry – Some experts might say giving these may be showing you’re predictable. But no doubt women still love men giving them these gifts, every woman loves attention from men.

3. Romantic Dinner – If you want to become a romantic Romeo of Valentine’s Day, plan a romantic evening by having a dinner with your lady.

4. Lingerie – This works best only IF you’re very close with her. Don’t get your lady lingerie for knowing her 3 days. Also, giving only lingerie might looks like an invitation for sex, and this will disappoint her by thinking all you have in mind is SEX.

5. Best gift, combine all from the above – a love letter in a card with roses, and a romantic dinner. Remember to use your creativity as there’re many men out there might be doing the same. For example, give strawberries dipped in chocolates instead of just chocolates or choose the best bottle of red wine can be interesting to start your lovely evening.

Okay, enough for the gifts. How about some ideas for Valentine’s Day? How to keep a Valentine’s date interesting? Here’re some ideas for you to start one:

1. Prepare a romantic dinner yourself, I’m talking about D.I.Y. You can easily pickup any cookbook from your nearest bookstore or just purchase any e-cookbook online. Then pick the best 5 out from hundreds of recipes, from fine cuisines to exotic drinks.

2. Plan romantic activities, start from dinner to dance, then end the evening with a wonderful love affair. It can be done in your own house or just go out and have fun.

3. Do something special like in the movie, have a romantic picnic at the beach, on a boat, on a plane (if you’re rich enough), on a roof top, ride horses to your dinner date, use trained animal to pass your gifts.

I’m sure by now you already have tons of creative ideas in your mind. Don’t be afraid to try new things, it’s Valentine’s Day!

About the author:

Edwin Lim writes a Valentine’s Day Cookbook at www.webblogerz.com/valentinerecipes

By: Yana Berlin

Do you worry that you’re not spending enough time with your children? Is guilt getting in the way of your healthy parenting?

If so, it’s time to let go of this debilitating emotion – for your own sake as well as that of your children.

Many years ago I had the pleasure of meeting a very wise man. Well-known and respected in his community, this Hasidic Rabbi was no ordinary man. His long beard, old spectacles, and the large hat he wore created an aura of sacred authority about him. Even the most mischievous child would not dare to misbehave in his presence.

He did not speak much, but when he wanted to be heard he spoke in a soft, pleasant voice that always got his message across. As a rebellious teenager, I was constantly challenging adults and getting into worthless arguments and debates. In his presence, however, I walked on eggshells and kept my mouth shut.

Rabbi had 12 children. I visited his house often, and couldn’t help noticing how well behaved all the children were. The older siblings took care of the younger ones without resentment, yet they still managed to do all the things that other kids do. What amazed me most was how much they loved and respected their father.

Time passed and I moved away. I went from a rebellious teen to a wife and finally a mother. When my first child was born, I often thought of the Rabbi, his peaceful home and well-behaved kids. I often wished that I could see him again and get some of his sage parenting advice.

After the birth of my second child, the Power of Attraction manifested itself and I bumped into the Rabbi in an airport. He was rushing to get on a flight to New York and I was on my way to Brazil for vacation. We exchanged pleasantries and chatted briefly. I wanted to ask him about his secret recipe for successful parenting, but didn’t know how to bring up the subject. Knowing that he was in a hurry, I decided to postpone my question until another time.

He wished me well, gave his regards to my family and then handed me a small piece of paper. “I think you want to ask me something,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. “I get home in two weeks. Please come and see me, I’ll be happy to help.” He tipped his hat, turned, and walked towards his gate. Looking down at the piece of paper, I saw it had his phone number written on it.

I spent the next two weeks anticipating our discussion. At 24 I was a mother of two, but still felt like a child myself. On the day of our meeting I sat across his desk from him, feeling a bit nervous. He looked at me and asked in a soothing voice, “What’s the question of the day?” I instantly felt myself relax. Rabbi had a unique way of making people feel special, and at that moment I knew that no one else mattered but me.

I told the Rabbi that working long working hours and having a hectic life while trying to raise two kids was wearing me down. I worried that I wasn’t spending enough time with my children, and I feared that I would not be a good mother.

He sat in silence for a few moments and then spoke in a voice that was almost a whisper. “First of all,” he said, “if you’re wondering whether you’re doing a good job, you probably are. It’s okay to question our actions as parents, and it’s okay to make mistakes. Remember that there are no perfect parents, only perfect children.”

He smiled and continued. “If I was to guess what is really going on inside of you, I would say guilt. As parents, we are easily swayed by guilt. However, it is a useless feeling that produces no good results. When we discipline our children and feel guilty, we are more likely to give in into their temptation, to make the wrong choices and not remain consistent with our original punishment. Instead of wallowing in your guilt and worrying about how you can be a better parent, take charge of your actions and your kids.”

“How do I do that?” I asked.

“Spend time with your children, separately,” he suggested. Seeing my confusion, he continued, “I have 12 children, and every other week one of them gets special time with me. I take one child and dedicate all of my energy, attention and love to him or her. This is a very precious time for me as well as the child, and I let nothing get in the way of our scheduled time with each other. One or two hours alone with each child produces a foundation on which we can both build.”

When I said that it sounded weird to have appointments with your own children, he replied, “Weird is when parents do not pay enough attention to their kids. Weird is when children get into trouble with drugs. Weird is when a child wants to leave home at 18 and never come back. Weird is many things, my dear, but spending one – on – one time with your children – even if it has to be written in your agenda – is not one of them.”

The Rabbi went on to mention the importance of sibling bonds, family dinners, spending holidays together, and consistently talking about the difference between right and wrong. When he finished, I thanked him and left his house with a newfound sense of peace. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel guilty. Somehow I knew that my children would be okay, and that I would not only survive the challenges of parenthood but would successfully conquer them.
Based on that conversation, I tried to live by these principles while parenting my children:

•Stay consistent.

•Spend time with each child one-on-one at least once a week.

•Constantly reiterate right from wrong.

•Focus on what’s important.

•Have family dinners nightly (even when my husband traveled and couldn’t make it to dinner, we still had them).

•Demonstrate the importance of family by being there for your parents/grandparents and other family members.

•Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty.

•Never try to make your children feel guilty.

My children are almost all adults, now, and I can proudly say that I did a good job of raising them.

Did I succeed in all aspects of the game? No, but I think I came pretty darn close. Did I feel guilty some of the time? Yes, but not most of the time. Did I pass the guilt to my children? Here’s where I think I failed the most.

Jewish guilt really works, and sometimes when I wanted them to play that extra hour of piano or study extra hard for that test, I passed the guilt torch to them. However, as adults they don’t wallow in guilt. When anyone (including me) even hints at a “guilting attempt,” they stand back and say, ”Don’t give me the guilt!”

As the Rabbi said, guilt is a useless feeling that produces no positive results. As parents, we need to continually question our actions and assess our progress while keeping in mind that there is no such a thing as a bad child.

By learning to let go of guilt, we do our children and ourselves a huge favor. And we become much parents in the process.

Yana Berlin is a proud mother of 4 wonderful children and a wife to a wonderful man that she adores.

Her oldest daughter is 20 and the youngest 15. As all of her friends began going through all sorts of changes with their bodies and mind, she took it upon herself to create this community of wonderful women who share the same goals, dreams, issues and fears. She feels that if women continue to help one another through exchange of information, nourishment and support, they will own the world.

Her goal is to connect women all over the world to communicate with each other so they can experience the same support and guidance that she receives from her girlfriends. Please Visit Yana’s site http://www.Fabulously40.com

By Kim Fredrickson

There are many new and wonderful experiences that teens often can’t wait to delve into. For parents, this season of parenting brings excitement for our kids as well as fear about what they are getting themselves into. Dating and Sex is certainly in this category.

There are a lot of understandable questions about this topic – so here we go.

When do you start talking to your kids about sex, contraception, and STD’s?

An important thing to remember is that these topics are best handled in a series of conversations, rather than one big talk. It would be best to start conversations about the body, caring for it, not abusing it, not letting others abuse it, etc very early on – this sets the context for continuing talks about the body. Talking to your child about sex before puberty is imperative, with continuing talks adding to the information you’ve shared. It is also great to start the conversation asking them what they know.

• “Have you ever wondered how babies get inside the mommy’s tummy?” (obviously for a younger child)
• “What have you heard about STD’s?”
• “What kind of stories have you heard at school about sex?”
• “How far do you think it’s OK to go on a date?”
• “What would you do if a boy/girl wanted to go farther physically that you were comfortable?”
• “How will you know on the inside that you’re being pushed to go farther than you’re ready?”

Starting with questions is very important, because it gives you important information about what they know and where they are in their thinking process. This will clue you into misinformation they might have, so that you can gently correct it.

How do you bring up the issue of contraception?

Ideally you would bring it up in a series of conversations you have with your teen. After explaining the biology of sex, as well as your own convictions about where sex fits in the life of a relationship, it would be natural to explain how sex does not have to necessarily result in pregnancy. Pregnancy can be avoided through abstinence, and the chances can be lessened by contraception, which tries to make sure the egg and the sperm do not connect. This can be done by preventing the egg from being present (birth control pills), or the sperm not making it to the egg through condoms, spermicidal, etc.

Since teens do not tend to play out the results of their actions to the end, they need us to help them do so – and this could occur in another one of these conversations. When a person decides to be active sexually, they are also signing up for the possibility of lots of other outcomes, such as:

• Pregnancy
• STD’s
• Regret when and if the relationship ends
• Possible lowered chance of becoming pregnant at a later date when desired
• Gossip

Sex is an adult activity, not a recreational sport to be decided in the moment. As their parents, we need to help them think through this decision, as we do the other important decisions in their life.

Other things your teens need to know:

• Differentiate between dating and sex. Dating does not have to include sex.
• Accurate information about STD’s (most teens do not know that STD’s can be transmitted by oral sex).
• They need to decide where their own line is regarding sexual activity. Trying to decide this in the middle of a passionate moment, or when experiencing sexual pressure from a date is not a wise move.
• They need help paying attention to their own internal world, and their intuition when they feel unsafe or uncomfortable in a situation.
• They need help coming up with an exit plan when they feel uncomfortable or unsafe, so as not to be caught in an unwanted situation.
• They need to be able to set limits, stand up for themselves and say, “no”.

Things you need to know:

• The part of a person’s brain that controls planning, impulse control, and foreseeing consequences is not fully developed until age 25. Therefore, a teen’s ability to think through their decisions, especially in such an emotionally and physically charged area as their budding sexuality is not as developed as they think. They need you to help them think through decisions.
• They need accurate information – otherwise most of their information comes from their peers and is probably riddled with inaccuracies.
• It is best to take a “coaching” approach talking to your teens about this and other issues rather than a lecture format. One works, and helps your teen develop the ability to things through issues (coaching) and the other style (lecture) causes kids to shut down and not accept your influence.
• It is understandable to be tempted to ignore the issue and hope your kids will be OK. Don’t give into this temptation. Instead, get educated and be brave enough to have these important conversations with your teens. Teens whose parents talk to them about dating/sex, are better prepared and happier.
• The important backdrop is establishing a close relationship with your teen, preferably from way back. Sometimes we can panic about things like dating/sex and come down hard on the rules- without having a strong connected relationship. So, work on listening, spending time, being encouraging, as well as setting guidelines for dating. When a close relationship is in place, teens will be much more likely to take in your influence and advice about dating/sex.
• Try to be calm and in control of your responses. Overreacting, panicking, and controlling responses will just result in them shutting down and not sharing – and you want to keep the lines of communication open. It is important during these conversations to keep yourself as steady and non–reactive as possible. The bigger picture here is keeping the lines of communication open and to keep them feeling safe to share with you. Try some deep breathing, and coach yourself to stay centered – and bite your lip to keep from saying something reactive out of fear. Even though it’s easy to be scared of what they are getting into, we need to stay the grown-up and keep ourselves centered.
• Don’t go through this time alone – get support and input from other parents at your teen’s school, your church or synagogue, or neighborhood parents groups. It helps to get ideas, support, and empathy from other parents who understand the challenges you are facing.

Helpful Books

• Boundaries with Teens by John Townsend
• Talking to Your Kids About Sex: How to Have a Lifetime of Age-Appropriate Conversations with Your Children About Healthy Sexuality by Mark Laaser
• How to Talk with Your Child About Sex: It’s Best to Start Early, But It’s Never Too Late – A Step by Step Guide for Parents by Linda and Richard EyreWhy Do They Act That Way? by David Walsh

I hope this has been helpful. Parenting is challenging, Your teens need you. You can do it!

Kim Fredrickson, M.S., Marriage and Family Therapist (CA MFC 22635) and Life, Parent, and Relationship Coach is the author of many popular CD’s and articles that will help you build Encouraging Relationships in your life. To learn more about Kim and sign up for more FREE Relationships Tips, visit her site at http://www.EncouragingRelationships.com. You can also visit her newest site at http://www.kimfredrickson.com.

By Kim Fredrickson

There are many new and wonderful experiences that teens often can’t wait to delve into. For parents, this season of parenting brings excitement for our kids as well as fear about what they are getting themselves into. Dating is certainly in this category.

Dating for teens is often not the dating that we as their parents experienced many years ago. Because of this, we often don’t understand the pressures and expectations they face. Hopefully these tips will help you both understand your teenager as well as establish guidelines and consequences to make dating a wonderful time of growth and fun for them.

How has dating changed?

• Today there is a different understanding of what dating is…and it runs the gamut. When I grew up a boy asked you out, picked you up at a certain time, you went out together, and then he brought you home at a certain time. Now there is a range of what is considered “dating”. Now it is more referred to as “going out”, “seeing each other” and includes holding hands at school, going out with a group of friends, wandering around the mall, etc. It is important to not question this way of describing a budding relationship, or they will stop talking to you about it – and you don’t want that. The other end of this continuum is “hooking up” which implies sexual encounters, often very quickly into the relationship.
• The expectation that dating can begin as early as 12 or 13. When I was dating, the standard amongst my friends was no dating until age 16.
• An expectation that dating and sex are linked. There are a lot of assumptions now about this. Teen girls need to know that dating and sex are separate. Dating is spending time with a boy to get to know him better. Dating does not imply sex. Our daughters need to know how to set this line for themselves, and have a plan to get out of a situation with a guy that feels unsafe or uncomfortable.
• There are greater concerns with increased drinking and drug use than there was when I was dating. Alcohol use makes people stupid. In 50% of arrests alcohol is a key factor.

How can parents approach the subject of dating?

• Teens whose parents talk to them about dating, are better prepared and happier.
• The important backdrop is establishing a close relationship with your teen, preferably from way back. Sometimes we can panic about things like dating and come down hard on the rules – without having a strong connected relationship. So, work on listening, spending time, being encouraging, as well as setting guidelines for dating. When a close relationship is in place, teens will be much more likely to take in your influence and advice about dating.
• Try to be calm and in control of your responses. Overreacting, panicking, and controlling responses will just result in them shutting down and not sharing – and you want to keep the lines of communication open.
• Dating guidelines and clear consequences need to be in a broader context of clear guidelines and consequences in other areas such as chores, curfews, how you treat others, etc. This will make the rules about do’s and don’t of dating more readily acceptable because they are part of existing training of standards, responsibility, and consequences.
• Parents need to have clear guidelines in place about dating, what is allowable and not, as well as what the consequences are if these guidelines are broken. A written contract, which is crafted and signed by both parent(s) and teen can also be very helpful, and then there are no questions.
• Parents need to enforce consequences, even when teens try to persuade them otherwise. A teen’s brain is not fully formed and in shape to make wise decisions until 25, even if they sound like they know it all. Parents need to be empathetic with their teens, and stick to the guidelines they’ve both agreed to.

What I hear about in my office

• Many teens are not prepared for dating emotionally and practically. There is a lot of naïveté’ about things like the possibility of date rape, a 33% chance of teen girl experiencing some kind of verbal, physical, or sexual abuse during a dating relationship, and the prevalence of STD’s.
• Teens often haven’t developed the ability to trust themselves and their intuition and the sense to get out of bad situations.
• They often don’t have an escape plan set in their mind, and a way to let their parents know they need help.
• There is a lot of alcohol use occurring with teenagers which radically increases the chances of being harmed in some way.
• I also hear about some wonderful dating experiences that pave the way for great relationships in the future.

Some possible guidelines

Of course the guidelines set will be up to each parent. This is just a place to start your own thinking process.

Ages 14 to 15

• Group dating only – things like going to a movie; hanging out at a friends home–only if you know the parents and that they will be supervising; football games; hanging out at your home for a movie or dinner.
• Things like agreed upon curfews, them letting you know where they are, and if they change locations are important guidelines to make clear.

Age 16

• Single dating (if you feel like your teenager is ready for this)
• With curfew
• With them letting you know where they are, and if they’ve changed locations
• Meeting the date of your daughter is preferable
• Not dating anyone more than 2 years older. This is because the rate of abuse and possible over control in a relationship increases significantly if there is more than a 2 year difference in ages. More than 2 years older is no big deal as an adult, but as a teen it is a huge difference.

Qualities you want to see in your teenager before single dating:

• Are they responsible overall? (not perfect)
• Do they show respect for themselves and others?
• Are they able to stand up for themselves, and get out of uncomfortable or unsafe situations?
• Are they basically trustworthy? (not perfect)

Where do you start?

Assess the above information and decide where you need to start. Is it:

• Getting tighter on guidelines and consequences in other areas that have been lax?
• Talking to your teenager about what constitutes a good healthy relationship, and asking them what kind of qualities they want to see in the person they date? Help them come up with what qualities or treatment they would not put up with.
• Figuring out what standards you want to set?
• Talking to friends to get more input or to process your thoughts?
• Figuring out what consequences you decide will go with each infringement?
• Talking to your teen to let them know about your thoughts, and coming up with an agreement together which you put into a contract to both sign?
• Inviting your son or daughter’s girl/boyfriend over to get to know them better.
• Work on building a close emotional relationship with your teens.

I hope this has been helpful. Parenting is challenging, Your teens need you. You can do it!

Kim Fredrickson, M.S., Marriage and Family Therapist (CA MFC 22635) and Life, Parent, and Relationship Coach is the author of many popular CD’s and articles that will help you build Encouraging Relationships in your life. To learn more about Kim and sign up for more FREE Relationships Tips, visit her site at http://www.EncouragingRelationships.com. You can also visit her newest site at http://www.kimfredrickson.com.

By Kim Fredrickson

A crucial part of parenting teenagers is developing the ability to tell yourself encouraging statements about yourself and your teenager. Repeat these statements to yourself everyday.

It’s OK, this is a stage of his growth.

Take a deep breath, slow down, you can do this.

God, please give me your strength, your compassion, your perspective, your love and acceptance for my teen.

Remember, he/she needs to push away from me in order to gain her own sense of self.

This feels so personal, but it’s not — In order to separate, he needs to separate from me. When it happens, it isn’t smooth.

Him taking time in his room is most likely his way of thinking through all that’s going on inside. It’s not a rejection of me.

I will still make attempts to connect, even if they are rebuffed. They are going in, even if I can’t see it now.

My teen is going through a lot — stress, changes, pain, and confusion. I need to notice this and have it count, not dismiss it and expect her to be OK even if her world is falling apart (or shaken, changing, etc).

It’s OK if I don’t understand everything, or know what to do. I am learning too.

My teen and I are worth the effort, and so is our relationship.

I’m on the right road. Keep going. I don’t have to do this alone. I’ll call a friend for a listening ear and prayer.

God will bless my efforts as I lean on Him for strength, courage and understanding.

He/She will eventually become an adult, with brighter times ahead.

As hard as this is, God is using it to grow me up on the inside.

Remember, my teen’s brain is not fully developed. His ability to think through things, plan, and delay his impulses isn’t mature yet — but it will be eventually!

Remember to keep the big picture in mind — my long-term relationship with my teen. I want him/her to visit me in the future — grandkids — good relationship.

It’s my job to keep myself under control emotionally, even if my teen is out of control — remember, one of us has to be an adult — it’s me!

It’s OK to give myself time to think through how I want to handle this — I’ll get back to him later about consequences.

Kim Fredrickson, M.S., Marriage and Family Therapist (CA MFC 22635) and Life, Parent, and Relationship Coach is the author of many popular CD’s and articles that will help you build Encouraging Relationships in your life. To learn more about Kim and sign up for more FREE Relationships Tips, visit her site at http://www.EncouragingRelationships.com. You can also visit her newest site at http://www.kimfredrickson.com.

By: Colleen Langenfeld

Do you have a teenager who is begging for more freedom? Are you uncertain how much freedom is too much during the teen years? Parenting teenagers requires a parent to walk a fine line between boundaries and letting go. Out of four children, I am currently parenting my third teenager and I’d like to share some simple guidelines that will soothe your parental anxieties and help your home life be calmer.

– Know your teen.

It’s easy to say everyone is different; it’s more difficult to describe, in detail, those differences. You will find parenting teenagers less-stressful and your teen will respond better to you if you spend serious time knowing your teenager.

Yes, this is called relationship and it’s spelled T-I-M-E. There’s nothing new here. But are you doing this? Are you building the relationship with your teenager that will last a lifetime? Here’s a little test: think of your two best friends. Calculate how much time you spend weekly with each, whether in person, on the phone, or online. How does that amount of time stack up with what you give your teen?

Another worthwhile relationship test is to think about who knows you the best in the whole world. Who would you trust to go to when you have a problem? You want your teen to think of you in this way. If you’re not there, start building that today.

– Acquiring freedom is a process. Not an event.

Once you feel you have an accurate understanding of your teen, you can measure his or her maturity levels. This will tell you a lot about the amount of freedom your young adult is ready for. If the maturity level is still young, give limited freedom. Be intentional about helping your teenager grow appropriately and add the desired freedoms at each level.

– Practice. Learn from failures. Repeat.

That’s the simple formula for parenting teenagers into the adult world. It’s the way we all grow and develop. Be your teen’s mentor for this process (as opposed to being their best friend). Support and encourage them; go over where they failed and together strategize on new solutions they can try.

– Look ahead.

In our home, we look to the future and project, approximately, when our teenagers are going to be leaving home. For us, usually that’s college age. They need to be able to handle a considerable amount of freedom (be pretty much independent) by the time they leave home. Then we work backwards and start looking for ways to grow them into that much freedom step by step.

Since all teenagers are different, we’ve needed to be flexible in the ‘how’ not the ‘what’. We’ve had one teen who was always ahead of the process. He wanted total freedom upfront. So we established boundaries (guidelines) he had to meet to EARN the freedoms he eagerly wanted, one at a time. As he displayed the responsibility necessary to achieve those guidelines, we rewarded him with more freedom and explained the new boundaries at each level.

Another of our teens needed coaxing to move forward. So we looked for strategies that would increase his self-confidence and cause him to look forward with excitement. Again, boundaries were discussed and implemented. He blossomed quickly when he discovered he was in charge of his own future. We were simply there to support, guide and provide a safety net (plus a whole lot of cheerleading).

Parenting teenagers is an exciting thrill ride that can be highly satisfying as you watch your young adult mature and be ready to face the world. As a parent you are building the future in vital ways through your influence in your teen’s life. As you stand up to that honorable challenge, your teen will respond to your leadership.

That’s when you realize you truly have built a wonderful relationship with your teenager.

Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 26 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at www.paintedgold.com . Visit her website and learn more about parenting teenagers today.

By: Colleen Langenfeld

In my home, I am currently enjoying a high school senior. My third child is preparing to leave the nest and build a life for herself.

While parenting teenagers, I have come to realize there are some fundamentals that can help a parent ready their teen to move onto the next stage of their young life. Here are a few I have identified as extremely helpful.

– Take high school seriously.

My teenagers have all been quite different in personality and all have experienced high school in their own unique ways. That’s fine. The important lesson I have required them to consider is that ‘what you do in high school has consequences for your future’.

That doesn’t mean if you make a mistake in high school you cannot overcome it. Not at all. It just means that the teenager who sees high school as an important step to her future will seriously consider her part in it. She will take more responsibility for her academic learning. She will take advantage of opportunities to learn how to function in a bigger environment through sports, clubs, or volunteer work.

She will appreciate that high school can be a lot of fun, but it can’t be ALL fun if she is to be ready and excited for the steps that will come after graduation.

When you’re parenting teenagers it’s your job to help your teen see these issues, pointing them out and helping her make any necessary adjustments.

– Look at the big picture.

Parenting teenagers means helping them find their niche in the world. Career assessments are an important part of that process. Most high schools have career programs in place for teens to use. Check to see if your school has these tools and encourage your teenager to use them. Often!

I started using career assessments in our teens’ first year of high school. I continued using them throughout their four years until our teens were comfortable with the personal assessment process. Sometimes that meant our teen had an idea about what major he wanted to choose in college. Sometimes not. That didn’t matter. It was the process of self-discovery that held the most value.

Something else to keep in mind in this day and age is that the career your teenager starts with is probably NOT going to be the only one he has in his life. Current job projections are that most workers in the western world will hold a variety of positions over their careers. Retraining will become the norm.

Knowing this can take the pressure off your teen. And you.

– Get ready emotionally.

When I went to college, I was not ready. I was ready academically, I was ready financially, however I was not ready emotionally. Because of this, I struggled tremendously my first semester and missed out on a lot my college had to offer. You can see this same phenomenon today on college campuses as emotionally-unprepared freshmen isolate themselves, indulge in irresponsible and inappropriate behavior or worse.

I took this lesson to heart and have been intentional with each of my children prepping them for the emotional challenges they will face once they leave home. While there are several parts to this goal, at some point this has involved empowering them with the ability to be away from home comfortably. I’ve accomplished this by using summer jobs in other places (Boy Scout camps, family businesses), and long visits to relatives in other states.

This has often involved tears. That’s okay. As long as the child is safe and secure, discovering they can overcome homesickness on their own is a powerful tool for their future and one that they need *before* they leave for college.

While these are only a few pieces of the parenting teenagers’ puzzle, they are important pieces. Let your teen know you want to help her get ready for her future. Show her how to instill confidence in her ability to make decisions about her life, as well as make changes when necessary.

As a parent of a teen, keeping your focus on these areas will help you intentionally guide your teen forward towards their bright and promising future.

Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 26 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at www.paintedgold.com . Visit her website and learn more about parenting teenagers today.