As a mother of 4 kids who have been through the divorce of their parents, I know how difficult it can on the children when they have to go back and forth from one parent’s house to the other. I also know how difficult it is when the divorced parents aren’t on the same page when it comes to rules and other issues such as beliefs and lifestyles.

Divorce can be traumatic, not only for the separating partners, but also for their children. Kids who are caught in the middle experience a deluge of emotions, including sadness, anger and confusion. How the parents handle the divorce, however, can make it more or less difficult for them.

A frequent point of contention between divorcing parents is the set of rules that their children are expected to follow. Usually, while married, parents come up with a set of rules to which they can both agree. But in the event of separation, each parent may prefer to change the rules a bit for when the children are with them.

Overall, this is a bad idea. While it is ultimately up to the parent to enforce rules, having two different sets of rules is generally bad for the children. Here are a few reasons why this is so:

* Having to adjust to a different set of rules each time a child visits the other parent is difficult. They might get confused about which rules apply where, and that could get them in trouble.

* Children may resent the parent who enforces more restrictive rules. These rules might be in the child’s best interest, but he still feels that he’s being treated unfairly because they do not apply when he is with the other parent. This often leads to conflict between parent and child.

* A difference in rules can cause added conflict between the parents. Not only does this produce more stress in the adults, it also hurts the children. Even though the parents are separated, seeing them fight is not good for the children.

* Children need a sense of stability. This stability is lessened when their parents divorce. But being subject to the same rules at both households gives them some semblance of security.

Agreeing on the Rules

When you come to the decision to get a divorce, the first thing that’s usually discussed is who will get the children and how visitation will work. It’s also important to discuss the continuation of rules early on. Parents often assume that the other parent will keep the same rules, but that doesn’t always happen. This is especially true in households where the rules are flexible or not well defined.

For best results, rules should remain the same as when the parents were together. But children who are experiencing a state of transition may need to have their rules revised. For example, a teen who is ready to start dating will need rules that weren’t necessary before. In such circumstances, the parents need to discuss the prospective new rules ahead of time and do their best to come to an agreement on them.

Having the same rules at both homes makes things easier for parents and children. It makes for less conflict and greater uniformity. While a divorce is not by nature a pleasant experience, maintaining a consistent set of rules can make it less unpleasant.

Additional Resources

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Depending upon the age of your teens, they may be involved in a myriad of activities. You know the importance of striking a fair balance between allowing children to be involved in activities and having time for the family to spend together. Unfortunately, the children may not agree with your definition of “fair.”

Perhaps your older teens are interested in a number of activities. They may want to be involved in baseball, football, soccer, martial arts, gymnastics, softball, basketball, or ice skating. Then there’s band, dance, musical instrument lessons, or voice lessons they’re interested in. Throw in scouting or volunteering and the number of possible ways to be away from home increases even more.

It’s important to make sure kids aren’t involved in too many activities. Children, like adults, only have 24 hours in each day. They have to attend school and sleep at least eight hours a night. This leaves eight hours for eating, doing chores, doing homework, spending time with family, and then extracurricular activities.

You can choose to limit each child to one extracurricular activity per season. If your teen is athletic you might allow them to play two sports each school year as long as they don’t coincide with one another. Do you have a music lover? Allow them to play in the band, but you could ask them to wait until summer to take individual lessons.

How do you maintain balance among the different family members? While you may not favor one child over the other, it may seem that way to your children. Try to spend quality time alone with each child at some point during the month. In fact, you may want to plan a special “date” with each child. This will enable them to have undivided time with you or your partner and squelch any complaints about you not spending time with them.

You’ll also want to be sure you to spend quality time with your partner so they don’t feel left out. Planning a weekly or bi-weekly date night is important for maintaining your relationship. Instead of spending your time talking about the children, take the opportunity to dream about your future.

While you’re spending time with others in the family, don’t forget to take care of yourself. You can’t be expected to be able to meet others’ needs if you’re overly stressed or burned out. A trip to a day spa which will pamper you may be just what you need to rejuvenate.

So, you’ve limited the number of activities each person in the family is allowed to participate in. You are also spending time with each child to ensure they feel loved. Now it’s time to keep all of the activities from cutting into the family’s free time, but what can you do to accomplish this? One thing you might consider is actually scheduling activities for the entire family to do together.

Talk about activities that everyone in the family would enjoy. This could be anything from visiting a museum, going fishing, or watching the latest movie. If your children range in age, you may find it difficult to find activities everyone will enjoy. In this case, switch up the types of activities you choose so everyone has at least one or two activities they enjoy.

Keeping your family running smoothly isn’t easy when each person is running in and out of the house to different activities. You know the importance of striking a fair balance between outside activities and family time – using some of these ideas may help create the balance you seek.

Click here to learn What You Can Do To Easily Turn Things Around And Start Developing A More Connected, Down-To-Earth, Win-Win Relationship With Your Teen And Virtually Guarantee Their Future Success

Graduation gifts today encompass many new and innovative ideas. Unlike when we graduated, wherein a party at home or dinner out was all our parents could afford, today there are a multitude of ideas utilized for the graduate. Here are some great high school graduation gift ideas for you to ponder.

If your child is going off to college and boarding there, he or she will most likely need as much encouragement as possible. They may become homesick the first few weeks, and it would be a great idea to give them a scrapbook with pictures of the family, letters of encouragement, and mementos that have great significance.

Another gift idea, which is more of a necessity these days, is a laptop computer. In this way, they can complete their research and homework assignments, keep in touch with family and friends, and feel connected when so far away.

In addition, having a laptop computer will afford them the opportunity to view pictures of family and friends on different occasions. To this end, why not put together a slideshow of your son or daughter and include it along with the laptop. It can be pictures of his or her childhood or teen years, pictures of friends and family, or special events you’ve captured for just this purpose. In this way, whenever they feel homesick or want to view familiar faces, they can simply play the slide show on their laptop. You can even include some goofy moments captured on film as well.

Other gift ideas include a TV with DVD for their dorm room, a small refrigerator, and other assorted but necessary items they will need to make them feel more comfortable.
You may want to give them a collage of pictures that they may have accumulated throughout the years. Whatever you can think of to give them a little bit of home to take with them would make a great high school graduation gift idea.

Do you have an open door policy? Meaning, can your daughter and her friends hang out at your house whenever they want? I just recently watched an episode of Wife Swap. Both ladies on the show had swapped places with each other and both families had teenage girls. One of the moms allowed her daughter(s) to have company anytime including male friends without supervision, while the other never allowed her daughters to have friends over.

The show was a bit sad, with both of the situations being a bit extreme. One set of girls was completely out of control while the other set was so sheltered and honestly quite pitiful as they were treated so negatively by their parents. Neither set really had a healthy situation in my opinion, which made me think there had to be a happy medium.

It is important that we allow our daughters to have some freedom, especially our teens. But we also have to give restrictions too. There has to be a sense of trust established in order for proper restrictions and balance to be maintained. A good practice is an open door policy that includes allowing friends to visit when there is adult supervision. You will be surprised how much you can learn from and about your daughter as you witness her interacting with her friends.

Not only will this help you in your relationship with your daughter, your knowledge of her friends and the way that she interacts with them, but it will also help her in her ability to face temptation and say no to it. She will realize the support that she has in you, as you faithfully back her up and encourage her, not to mention are open to her ideas, and the friendships that she seeks to maintain become a part of your whole family, not just her life but all of your lives.

The friends that she has come over will begin to see the love that you have for your daughter and will begin to respect you, your rules, and your morals and viewpoints. They will then be more likely to refrain from pressuring your daughter with temptations that they know you would be against. They would have a greater sense of responsibility to you as they too have a relationship with you.

Then, there is much to be said about how much better you’ll know her friends and how much they will respect you for having them around, opening up your doors, your home and your life to them. It can really do wonders for not only your relationship with your daughter(s) but also your relationship with her friends and her relationship with them as well.

Alyssa Avant is a Christian, speaker, blogger and podcaster. She creates guides to help moms encourage their daughters and help to “turn the hearts of girls towards God”. Help your daughter to “say no” with her Seven Easy Tips Encouraging Your Daughter to Say No Guide.

Six Resolution Strategies That Will Change Your Life

(ARA) – Want to lose weight, spend more time with your family, or get a better job in 2009? These are just a few common New Year’s resolutions that many of us make in January and too often forget by mid-March. This year, if you want to keep your resolutions and truly change your life for the better, follow some expert strategies for success.

“The New Year is a great time to self-evaluate and take steps toward your goals. But in order to set those goals and stay focused, many of us need to shift our way of thinking. With the right strategies, you can make permanent changes to your life,” says John G. Miller, an expert who has spent over 20 years studying personal accountability, and author of the books “QBQ! The Question Behind the Question” and “Flipping the Switch.”

Here are some of Miller’s tips for making your New Year’s resolutions stick:

1. Don’t underestimate the power of personal accountability.

If you can shift the way you think away from blame, procrastination and victim thinking, and focus instead on personal choices and responsibility, you can better position yourself for change in your life. Busyness is one of the top excuses people use when they don’t keep their resolutions. Stop blaming your calendar by saying, “I’m too busy to visit my parents,” or, “My schedule is too hectic to eat healthy.” Adopt the “no excuses” way of living. Remember — everything is a choice. It’s up to the individual to choose what priorities to make room for in life.

2. Write it down and set a deadline.

Write your goals down and consider tracking your progress in a journal. Set a deadline for when you plan to complete your goal. Do you want to lose 15 pounds in 90 days? Organize your entire house in the next six months? A deadline creates energy; without one your goal is just something you hope to do at some point, someday. Once you’ve reached your deadline, you can look back and measure your progress. If you’ve met the deadline successfully, you’ll feel great! If you haven’t yet reached your goal, you can revamp your plan, set a new deadline, and forge ahead.

3. Reach out for support.

Miller says, “Though we can’t change others and they cannot change us, it’s helpful for a close friend to know the path I’m on. If they are aware of my goal, they can support me by asking about my progress, and by not offering chocolate cake if I’m trying to lose weight.” Tell a close friend or family member and encourage them to share their goals with you too. If you’re comfortable, you might also consider joining a support group with others who are working toward similar goals.

4. Bite size goals are best.

Instead of saying, “I want to be a more organized person,” create a goal that is more specific. Set a goal like, “I will keep my car clean instead of it looking like a landfill on wheels.” You might want to lose 15 pounds but you can’t do it all at once. Try a goal like, “I will lose two pounds per month.” For a better chance at success, set your goals for the long term, but measure in the short term. Bite size pieces are easier to chew.

5. Be aware of your feelings.

Tough goals are not achieved easily. Expect a roller coaster of ups and downs and be able to recognize your emotions. When negative emotions arise, refocus your thinking. Miller suggests asking an effective question called a QBQ, or the Question Behind the Question. “Instead of asking, ‘Why does this have to be so hard?’, instead ask ‘What can I do right now to change my thinking?’ When we change our thoughts, we take control of our feelings, which leads to better actions and habits, and ultimately, success.”

6. Focus on the benefits of the change.

When you start to drift from your goal, remind yourself why you have the goal in the first place. Are you losing weight so you have more energy? Are you organizing your house or exercising more so you have less stress? You have this goal for a reason. Especially during the bumps in the road, remind yourself why you have it and the positive outcome you’ll enjoy once it’s achieved.

To learn more about QBQ! and to order both of John Miller’s books, visit www.QBQ.com.