Parenting a Pregnant Teen
Finding out that you have a pregnant teenager can seem like earth-shattering news. According to recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS) the number of teen pregnancies are falling to 40.4 births per 1,000 women aged 15-19 years.
While those statistics are good news, they don’t really mean much to a family who is facing a teen pregnancy. Suffice it to say, hearing that you have a pregnant teenager will likely came as a shock to everyone. Allow yourself and your teen to experience the shock – briefly, and then accept the reality of the situation. You may be upset, furious, disappointed, hurt, scared and experiencing a whole gamut of emotions. That is not going to change the facts.
Both of you should take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. You do not need to figure it all out the moment two lines showed up on the pregnancy test. Whether she agrees to keep the baby or seek adoption, your immediate concern should be for the baby. The health of the mom and baby should be paramount; get to a doctor or clinic. Help your daughter ensure she’s eating well, getting exercise and eliminating any vices (smoking, drinking or drugs). Remember, being mad isn’t going to help anyone. Your teen cannot un-ring the bell. What she needs now is support.
You are not on your own. Each community has programs and resources available. If you don’t know where to start, call your doctor or United Way. They can point you in the right direction to find education classes and counseling resources.
You may want to make an appointment with an adoption agency, just to talk. Whether your pregnant teenager is feeling secure in her decision to keep or not keep the baby or is totally at a loss what to do, talking with an adoption agency may help in the decision process.
Encourage your pregnant teenager to start reading. There are a number of great books, including the “What to Expect” series. Also, if you still haven’t accepted that you’re going to be a grandma, now is a good time to work on that!
While you are the mother to your daughter; you will be the grandmother to the baby. That means you need to allow your daughter to be the mother. You can encourage and support her, however unless you want to drive a bigger wedge between the two of you, step back and allow her the responsibility to parent the baby!
Some grandparents-to-be tend to confuse accepting with condoning. I’m certain if you had it your way you would wish you didn’t have to deal with a teen pregnancy. However, the fact is, you can’t click your heels and wish it away. It is a fair bet that your teen already knows you don’t condone it. It is what it is, so embrace it and make the best of it.
Babies are a beautiful blessing; a gift. The road to teen pregnancy is not an easy one. Babies (teens) raising babies isn’t easy and neither is the selfless act of giving a baby up for adoption.
Years ago when I was in a parent education class, prior to giving birth to my first child, I remember the wise words of the educator. She said “Children will bring you the most joy you have ever experienced in your life. They will also cause you the most pain you could ever experience too.” Another way to put it is that you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain!
September 26th, 2008 at 01:50
Thanks for posting this. As the mother of a pregnant teenager, you nailed it when you mentioned the wide range of emotions. I’ve gone through them all and they are very similar to the grieving process. And there’s no one to talk to about it because its such a taboo subject and sometimes we worry about being judged by other moms, as if they are better than us because their child never got pregnant.
It took me a long time to get to the point where I could put my own feelings aside and be there to support my daughter, if not for her sake then at least for my future grandchild’s.
I still struggle with it sometimes but I will also admit that I’m getting very excited and anxious for that day to come when I can hold my granddaughter and spoil her the way grandparents are supposed to.
April’s last blog post..A case of the ickies
September 26th, 2008 at 02:22
What a great and honest post April. As you know my Daughter was also a pregnant teen and I now have a lovely 4month old grandson. The emotions are HUGE for the parents of pregnant teens and the one thing I had to stay focused on was this “if I am feeling confused, emotional and frightened…just imagine how my child is feeling”. Once I got past that – I was able to fully help, support and prepare my daughter the best I could for what is ahead.
I am happy to say she is still in college finishing up her degree and she and the baby are both doing great. Now my only issue is that I dont see them as much as I’d like to (smile).
Thanks again for your comment
September 26th, 2008 at 13:28
Great post! I hate that some people think it’s the end of the world for a kid. My teenage nephew and his girlfriend are pregnant. When I asked “Has she been to the doctor or applied for WIC yet?” They all acted like I was the devil for even considering telling the outside world that such an awful thing has happened.
They would prefer to ignore the situation and hope for it to go away. Having been that pregnant teen at one point in my life it made me sick to think that this poor girl was being ignored and neglected in such a way. I picked up my phone and called and let them know that if they need ANYTHING they are to call me right away and I will make sure it gets done and taken care of and to make sure that she gets to the doctor for those checkups!
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September 26th, 2008 at 22:11
I think making an adoption appointment is a bad idea. They are trained to coerce mothers into surrendering their children. Teen’s are their largest target. They have “adoption training” designed specifically to talk teens out of keeping their children.
Once you walk through those doors, you may not get to see your grandchild ever. supporting your child through a teen pregnancy and encouraging her to keep her child will save everyone years and years of anguish and holes in the heart from losing eachother. The mother and child shouldn’t be punished once the pregnancy is here imo. We need to support mothers more in our society, too often we are shamed until we lose each other and lose out in relationships with eachother, which effect relationships with the grandparents as well.
Adoption is permanent, it can’t be taken back, it can’t be revoked. I’ve seen adoption agencies hide teens from their parents, send them out of state and hide the adoptee once the mother realizes what a wrong choice she made in surrendering her child.
Encourage them to stay together and watch your family grow.
goodluck everyone! I’m very proud of the two mothers above who embraced their childs pregnancy and will be there for their grandchildren. Amen!
Gershom’s last blog post..9 Kids dropped off at NE safe haven at once…
September 29th, 2008 at 12:54
I myself was a pregnant teen and you’re right Aurelia the emotions are crazy to say the least. Do I wish I had made some better choices in my life, yes. Would I take it back and do it all over again? – NO – absolutely not. My now 11 yo son is the best thing that ever happened to me. He made me focus, kept me grounded and showed me a love that compares to nothing else in the world.
Now I find myself with a relative who is pregnant at 18. Her mother wants basically nothing to do with her and puts her down almost every chance she gets. It’s really sad to me and although I realize it’s not easy as a mother to watch your child go through this, but I still can’t imagine not having my mother there to guide me. I thank God every single day for my mother, especially when I have to watch this relative go through it without the one person she needs the most. I can try to fill that void, but it will never be the same.
Arika’s last blog post..I Love My Hubby Meme
October 14th, 2008 at 02:27
I just found out my teen is pregnant. We are working through it, with ALL those emotions attatched, but we have a strong family and with faith in each other and support from family and friends I think all will work out. My turmoil now though is: How do I parent my teen? I know she needs to grow up and be a mom, but she is still an underage teen and when she breaks a rule or something do I still ground her off the phone? We are finishing our attic because while her and her boyfriend are still together they don’t want to rush their relationship because of this child, so she plans on staying home even after granduation so she can go to college with less finacial burden. Right now though she is still barely 17 and I don’t want her to feel like we are continuing to treat her like a child but she hasn’t matured beyond her years in the three months she’s been pregnant so I am at a loss.
October 14th, 2008 at 14:16
Amber,
Sounds like you have a great plan in action and that is wonderful. I was a pregnant teen and although yes she is going to have to do some growing up I remember just wishing my parents would continue to treat me like a teen and not a grown up. Teen pregnancy is so hard and I want to give you kudos for being there for your teen.
And kudos to you teen for taking to you about it and not trying to handle it on her own.
Tricia’s last blog post..Back-to-School Style 101
January 14th, 2009 at 17:53
I too have a pregnant teen. She is only 16 and plans to raise her child. I am proud of her decision to take responsibility, but my heart aches for the challenges she faces in the coming months & years. She is a beautiful and brilliant young lady, but still a child at the same time. Our family has rallied around her, and will continue to do so, to support her in this adventure. We will do whatever we can to make sure she is able to finish high school and college. Her boyfriend, whom she has been dating for only 4 months (she is 8 weeks along) isn’t our favorite. She always had great “boyfriends” until this one, who was more the ‘bad-boy’ type. He is 18, getting a GED and under contract to the Army once he completes his GED. We have told her that we won’t allow her to marry him (not that she asked). We feel that until she is 18, she is still our responsibility, and we feel that means that she, and her baby, should live with us until that time. As her parents, we feel that she and the baby under our roof is the safest and most logical plan. We too are finding it difficult to find that line of parenting her, while she will soon be parenting herself. I completely understand where Amber is coming from!! I also wonder if there are any websites out there for parents in my situation.
January 15th, 2009 at 13:58
Jennifer,
I was a teen mother and now have a 16 year old daughter so I see both sides of the fence very clear. You have a wonderful plan of action and I could not agree with your decisions more. You and your family have made her feel safe and loved no matter what. That is what you teen daughter needs to feel. Love and caring. We had a scare the other day and thought she was miscaring. It was a scary time and it really opens a persons eyes. I send much Kudo’s your way and know that Aurelia and I are here at anytime of you need to talk.
Tricia’s last blog post..Something I am Doing for my Family This year
January 26th, 2009 at 04:28
Jennifer-
Your story sounds like mine – a 17 y/o daughter, GED boyfriend in basic training, except my child has not confirmed that she is pregnant. I am making appts. tomorrow to find out. I know that she has started to look pregnant, but she denies it. The way I feel right now I am not willing to fill out FAFSA forms and I’m sure her father will not be willing to offer up money for her education. I’m struggling right now, and trying to remain calm until it is confirmed as positice or negative. I’m afraid to even tell him if she is. We are divorced and his anger issue is a big reason why.
February 5th, 2009 at 21:56
My pregnant teen is now a thirty year old. At the age of sixteen she gave birth to beautiful twin boys. She had to grow up quickly and in the process made choices that weren’t the best. Through it all though, she has matured and become a great mom. She and her husband have expanded their family to include two girls and four boys.
My husband and I certainly experienced all of the emotions described above. While she initially stayed at home, there came a time when we had to let her leave. She always knew that we were there for her and the children and lived with us periodically.
She is midway through her degree and she and her husband have lived on their own for nearly five years.
One word of advice to you Jennifer. If your daughter is truly interested in going to school, perhaps a community college is a good option until she gets her feet under her. If she is interested in continuing her education and her father is not supportive, student loans are still available.
Good luck to you all. Support your children and love them. Enjoy being a grandmother. Your first grandchild will be the only first one you have.
February 20th, 2009 at 05:33
I have just found out my 15 year old daughter is pregnant.I am so concerned because she is a very young 15 year old.She is 7 weeks along and has decided she wants to keep the baby. I dont think she reolizes the responsibily of a baby.Im lost confused and scared.I have taken her to councelling and will support her desision but i really am scared that shes not ready.The dad is not supportive and his parents have threatened to fight for custody.Where do i find support for my daughter and our family is such a concern.Good lord my baby a mom who would have thought.
February 20th, 2009 at 14:32
Hi Lisa — I can imagine how scary this is for you and your daughter. She is very blessed to have a mother such as yourself who is committed to being supportive!
February 25th, 2009 at 01:54
My daughter is 17. Both lines turned blue today.
I’m 46, been single for the past 12 years, and work two jobs. Even so, ends do not meet, and in fact, I’m considering bankruptcy right now because my former husband refuses to pay child support…and we were married for 7 years.
I’m not as angry as I expected to be about the pregnancy, but I am embarassed. I feel that as a single parent, I will be judged, berated and blamed for her decision to have sex early.
That said, I’m concerned about things like health insurance (she has none), being able to have a natural birth, and if she will be able to support her child. She and the dad didn’t have enough money between them to purchase a pregnancy test! They had to wait a week til she got paid…he’s 17 also and doesn’t even have a part time job.
I haven’t talked to the dad or his family yet.
She has always been difficult, and I was so close to saying “18…my job is done.” Now it looks like I’m in for a longer haul. Allready, I see trouble. She got pregnant in mid-January…all she does is sleep right now. I’m seeing refusal to do chores with “I’m too tired, I feel too weak”. I’m not going to coddle her, but I don’t feel like arguing, either.
I have another daughter who is 15 who still needs my attention. .
February 28th, 2009 at 12:34
My 17 year old will be 18 in June. She GLEEFULLY informed me that she was ‘expecting’ last week on my birthday; AS IF her pregnancy was going to be a wonderful gift that I would be thrilled about.
Yeah, right!
Not hardly. What I am is disappointed; and scared as hell for the welfare of this poor little baby.
My daughter is not the worlds most responsible person. She never has been. Add to that the fact that she has a severe mental health issue and uncontrollable bouts with anger; and basically what you have is a ticking time bomb. People like my daughter should not be allowed to have children.
I am 38 years old and believe me when I tell you; I’ve paid my dues as a parent. I have always loved my daughter unconditionally; and I always will. But in NO WAY do I support her decision to keep and parent this baby. And as soon as the baby is born, I am calling the welfare department to see what they can do about taking it away from her and giving it to a responsible, caring family.
For the last six years, I’ve had to deal with the Dept of Child Welfare, counselors, doctors, psychiatrists, and the police. I look fifty. I have ulcers and a permanent facial tick; and I was recently diagnosed with MS..There is NO WAY I, as a grandparent can physically care for this child. I have to be honest. I’m all done. I have no more to give emotionally; and physically, I am spent. Even though I have love for my unborn grandchild, I cannot be responsible for him or her. And I want to see that the child is well cared for; because the baby deserves a good, stable home and life.
I am in a new relationship with a wonderful man who truly loves me; in spite of my illness.. And I moved several states away from my child to be with him. She was in the Job Corps at the time, but she got kicked out for drug use. And just weeks shy of getting her certification, too.
My boyfriend graciously agreed to take her in; DESPITE her irresponsible behavior. He even supported her while she was here; as I haven’t yet found a job . And what did my daughter do? She lied to him, went through his personal belongings, hacked into his computer, ate all his food, refused to help around the house, and then took off on us at our great personal expense and ran away to be with her boyfriend; without so much as a thank you.
As IF he would welcome her back here. I mean, he’s not her step-dad, we have only been together for a year and he only met my daughter three months ago! How could I conceivably ask this lovely man to take on this mess: especially to the benefit of someone who treated him so disrespectfully?
Sound harsh? Tough cookies. When my kid was running away from home, breaking up my furniture and stealing my things, I called the cops. I contacted DSS and told them to take her to a group home and force her to get some help. I petitioned the courts to hospitalize her. And Did anyone listen? Did anyone help? Hell no. They could have cared less.
When I was working three jobs to afford food, a roof and all the psychiatry appointments that I was running my child back and forth to, did anyone care when I requested a child advocate? Hell no….. I called the juvenile officers. I called everyone. I did exactly what the ‘system’ said I was allowed to do within the reasonable limits of the law to help this child…Did anyone help us? Nope.
Didn’t I feed this kid, clothe her, put her in private school, love her, talk to her until I was blue in the face about personal responsibility? Didn’t I bring her to church and teach her morals and values? Didn’t I refrain from beating her silly when she called me a “c*&t”, threw coffee mugs at my head, broke up my furniture, put holes in my walls, stole my money?
My daughter has been on the pill since she was twelve. Her grandmother is a nurse. She has always been WELL educated about birth control and pregnancy prevention; she has always had a strong support system of family and friends; She knows about condoms and the morning after pill and she is WELL aware of the fact that she has bipolar disorder; but she REFUSES to take her medication.
Personally, I pray that she loses the baby. It would be far better for everyone than subjecting my child to the loss of a baby to the welfare system, or subjecting this poor little baby to a life of hell.
February 28th, 2009 at 12:57
I too just found out my 17 year old is pregnant. As she does not believe in termination, she will be having the baby. She is still deciding if she will keep the baby, or put up for adoption. (Her choice, and as much as we wish we could make the choice for her, not our decision) I really appreciate the comments above…Here is where I need advice – My daughter is an amazing young woman, honor student, accepted into a great college for fall, and most times very level-headed. About six weeks ago, an older man got his “claws” into her. It was two weeks before we found out about the situation. (Do the math, it is pretty obvious how quickly he convinced her to sleep with him) He is a nightmare! He is currently in jail due to 15 outstanding warrants, has previous charges of domestic violence, assault, theft…has already gotten two teenage girls pregnant (one the baby died, one state took the baby – for some insane reason, parents never filed charges). He did such a great mental job on her in the short time he was with her, she still thinks this guy is wonderful and loves her. She has seen police reports and says “the system is taking advantage of him”…how can I combat this?? How can I keep this nightmare out of her life if she choose to keep this baby? The challenges she faces are difficult enough…
March 1st, 2009 at 10:30
15Callista;
Our situations are so similar, its scary. I almost fell out of my chair when I read your post.
I too, have a daughter who is 17. She just told me she is pregnant. She didn’t tell me “right” on my birthday (which was on Feb 24… I just turned 38 also), she told me two days later. But my daughter has emotional problems also; and was in trouble a lot when she was younger. My daughter hates authority and is very oppositional. She also has really scary rage issues.
My daughter was also born in June. And I know it sounds like I’m copying you or something; but I have a new boyfriend that I’ve only been living with for seven months. We met online a year and a half ago and went on vacation together last summer. After that, we didn’t want to be apart.
Even though I’m only about 5 1/2 hours from home and can go and visit my family whenever I want to, I love my new home and I am very happy with my boyfriend. My daughter has only known him since October. The job market where we live is very, very bad. There is nothing for me here and I haven’t been able to find work even though I have been looking every day. Even the local McDonalds isn’t hiring anybody right now!
My daughter dropped out of high school and went to Job Corps when she was 16, so that she could get her GED.. She was there for only two months and she did well, but she got kicked out of the GED program after she and a few of her friends got caught smoking pot; when she was already on probation for something else.
My daughter has a boyfriend (I’m not sure if the father of your daughters baby is around, as you didn’t say in your post); and even though he seems like a nice kid so far, I have no idea what they are going to do. Her boyfriend just got accepted to college and is going away to school in May.
Right now, my daughter is taking a CNA course so that she can work as a nurses aid. She only has a week left before she gets her certificate and she takes the test for her GED (finally) in March; but how is she going to work lifting heavy old people and changing poopy diapers when she is heavily pregnant. I think her goals are unrealistic.
For one thing, I fear she will get hurt and lose the baby. But I also don’t think she’s ready to be a good mother; and that maybe that would be for the best. I feel very guilty for thinking something like that, but what else should I think?. My Mom is a nurse also. She actually works at a vocational high school. So she and I have always been very open with my daughter about sex and birth control. And my daughter went on the pill when she was 14, mostly because of irregular periods.
To be honest, I’m really shocked that she got pregnant, with everything she knows. I guess what I fear the most is that my daughter won’t get herself any help with her emotional problems before the baby comes. She used to wreck my stuff, and I had to kick her out of my apartment a few times when she was just 16; because she was tearing the place apart. She broke a coffee table, and used to call me terrible names, even the c-word, and she threw a glass of milk at me once. She put holes in the walls in her bedroom, too. And I always think; what if she hurts the baby?
I am really afraid for the baby, but I can’t even offer my daughter financial support or a place to stay right now. She is with my parents; who agreed to take her in so she could finish school and still be near her friends. And I would never ask my boyfriend to take on a burden like that. I don’t know what I should do. My boyfriend doesn’t want her living here because of some things she did when she stayed with us; but he feels bad for her at the same time. And I feel like I am stuck. My daughter will be 18 in just a few months.
Should I give up my relationship and move home to help my daughter, or should I tell my daughter that since she wants to have the baby, she needs to make her own arrangements? I feel so torn. I love my child, but she’s put me through a lot with police, and social services. And I was a good Mom who really tried to help. And I also really love my boyfriend.
All the time my daughter was growing up, I never brought guys around. I had two long term relationships, but neither of these guys lived with us and had very minimal interaction with my child. She was so difficult and needed so much attention.
Now, I have finally met someone who is really wonderful. He likes my daughter and thinks she’s very intelligent and funny and that she’s a good kid at heart, but he hates the drama my daughter brings wherever she goes. I can’t say that I blame him.
March 2nd, 2009 at 07:09
I feel bad for you, Amanda. My daughters boyfriend really is a nice kid; and he is close to her age. Only a little under two years older. And his family is very nice and supportive, too. He and my daughter just told his Mom that they are having the baby and plan to keep it, and the Mom called me and talked to me on the phone. She is worried like I am, but we both plan to support our kids. I can’t imagine what I would do in a situation where the boyfriend was really bad news. That would be terrible. If you really feel he is dangerous though, I would press charges. Even if you can’t get a restraining order, I would see if you could get your daughter a child advocate to help keep this person out of her life. At least they could petition the courts for you.
March 23rd, 2009 at 13:08
Seems that I am not as alone as I have thought. I am turning 40 in a couple months and have 4 children all together. I have always been the youngest mom in the group around town, so people are quick to look and judge. My son who just turned 22, who is married, is buying his first home and very stable in life waited until he was at least 21 before deciding on starting their family. My oldest daughter, on the other hand who is just the opposite of him at the age of 18 is now 20wks into her pregnancy. She has always been my “problem child,” in her growing years. Getting into trouble with alcohol, drugs and the police and merely the laziest child on the face of the earth. The chaos in the house was always stemmed from her behavior. Screaming, hitting her siblings, cussing, running away, skipping school, pushing me around etc. I always went beyond my means for her, hell she is my daughter. However, nothing I did was ever good enough, was never large enough, was never loud enough. Years of counceling hasn’t even began to fix the strain put on our relationship. So, shortly after her 18th birthday she walked out of the house and moved in with her first real b/f.
She was Dx with polycystic ovary disease at age 12 and was rarely menstrating, therefore was put on the pill. Which she of course was non compliant with over time, so I eventually stopped wasting my money on the dang package. She wasn’t sexually active due to the fact that she was coming of age and finding that she was gay. I am a nurse, so educating my children on safe sex and pregnancy has always been a priority.
So, here we are today. She lives in apt with her b/f a few miles away from. She works at the local convience store from 3-11pm putting herself in danger of a robbery each day she goes to work. Her b/f just got a full time job a couple weeks ago for the first time. The both of them are lazy.The b/f smokes pot, prob making him more lazy. They go out all night, go home at 5 am and sleep until 2. She gets up and does the same thing again. The apt is a mess! I don’t go there because I cannot walk in there and not get angry. Not just that but she is 20wks pregnant and she has NOT been to a dr yet. Neither one of them have a job that offers insurance, so she has to get on the Medicaid system. She found out about her pregnancy 2 wks along and has yet to get motivated on the paper work. She gives me every excuse in the book as to why. She has no connection to this pregnancy or this up coming child. I am so worried and scared! People ask her all the time are you still pregnant? She is still pregnant, I made her take a test the other day and she is starting to show her belly. When she talks and holds a conversation, no mention of her pregnancy or up coming baby is ever included in what she talks about unless you ask her. You have 2 parents that are essentially immature, lazy and green behind the ears to life that are getting ready to have a child and how are they going to do this???? OMG I don’t know what to do, when she comes to me and periodically tells me, “Mom, make sure you take your 2wk vacation when I have the baby.” I am scared for my daughter that she is in for a huge reality check!
March 25th, 2009 at 00:56
I just wanted to check in and thank everyone for chiming in.
Daughter is still pregnant. Her stupid boyfriend is only a month older than she is. They’re all excited about this baby. My daughter too thinks that she will get a CNA certificate and work moving patients and juggling bedpans after she delivers. The boy’s mother is very quick to make this all easy for them by saying they can live together in her house after the baby is born. This is good on some levels, at least they are not refusing to help, but it also allows the kids zero accountability for the mess they’ve made or the rose colored glasses they are wearing.
Boyfriend and she talk on line a lot, but I’ve asked her why he is not here at least helping with her household chores since she feels quite nauseated and tired now. She rolled her eyes and said he doesn’t have time for this. I wonder if she realizes that when she is living in his mother’s house at age 18 with an infant that he still ‘won’t have time’ because he’s selfish and used to leaving all of his responsibilities to his mommy. What a mess.
Suzy
April 2nd, 2009 at 15:29
Wow! To think that just yesterday, my husband and I were feeling very alone in dealing with our daughters teen pregnancy. We have an awesome support system: family, church family and friends, but that is nothing like hearing first hand experience. Thank you all for your willingness to share your honest, raw emotional experiences. We feel like we’re walking through the wilderness when it comes to the adjustments of a teen pregnancy. The “teen” part of the experience is what changes everything. Our oldest daughter became pregnant at 20, but had already finished a year of college and was in a stable relationship, and while her pregnancy was unexpected and, at the time difficult for us, the situations are very different. Our teen daughter is 17 and in her Jr year of high school. She will be 18 mid way through her Sr year and is determined that she wants to live with the baby’s Daddy. We feel she should live with us until she graduates and then she can marry this young man if she so chooses. She plans on moving in with him as soon as she turns 18, even though we have explained to her the importance of health care coverage, financial support, etc, which she would have should she stay with us. We found out that they had been seeing each other since Dec and her pregnancy on the same day, just a little over a week ago. She kept it a secret b/c we have known the young man most of his life…which was always quite troubled. He went to a boot camp for troubled teens, did drugs…you get the picture and she knew we would never have allowed her to see him. She swears he has changed and is no longer doing drugs and has a job, even though he has chose not to do it over the past month, b/c he doesn’t like it….supposedly he is going out with them next week (it’s a contract constuction job). He doesn’t have a car or even his own phone. He shares an apartment with another young man. She doesn’t get it that we’re a little freaked by how he will provide for her and the baby, should she move in with him. We want desperately for everything she says about him to be true. We plan to sit down with the both of them in the next few days. We will support him just as much as we will her, if he has truly changed. Only time will tell that. Our biggest challenge right now is the day to day challenge of finding our way through where, and how we fit in the role of parents to a pregnant teen.
Amber, I can relate to your question about boundaries for a pregnant teen…how do you handle when they break the rules, etc., do you ground them, etc? They’re technically an adult, yet they’re still a teen who is maturing. My husband and I have been asking ourselves those same questions, and we don’t have any answers yet. So far, she has complied with whatever we have asked of her.
Suzy, I can totally relate to the emotions you talked about in relation to being afraid of being judged, etc. We felt completely stupid and like a couple of fools for not knowing that our daughter was even seeing someone….and she wasn’t the rebellious type who never came home…she was always compliant with coming home, etc., she just went places we knew nothing about when she was suppose to have been somewhere else, but we had no reason not to trust her. And the fact that we had already had a daughter with an un-wed pregnancy, made us feel that we had failed to do something right. But I’m a nurse and part of my job involves educating people during their pregnancies, so I had always been very open with my girl about relationships, sex, birth control, etc. Our children have been raised in church and know about making good choices. Part of accepting that maybe we did nothing wrong, is letting our children take responsibility for their actions. It’s hard not say: “Why my child?” or look at other parents with children who made good choices and not say: “What did they do right that I didn’t do”.
But with all that said, I know that it is absolutely possible for these kids to someday be the most awesome adults. And that excites me. To know that I still have a chance to influence their lives and help them be the best that they can be.
April 17th, 2009 at 15:58
I am a 36 year old mother of a 15 year old daught who told me she was pregnant on April 1st. I immediatly made her an appointment at the doctor to be sure and the test came back positive. my situation is this i love my daughter with all my heart and will never turn my back on her. she is a well grounded young lady and has a great head on her shoulder. i am proud to anounce that her boyfriend who is also only 15, wants to be with her at every doctor visit and wants to marry her. i have told them both that they will stay with the parents and finish school and growing up before i will let them make that step. his family is behind the kids as much as i am. i just wanted to let you know that no matter what you need to continue to love them and give them what they need this situation has brought my Daughter and i closer then ever. the only downfall is that my daughter is part of the LDS church and they have told her to give the baby away for adoption. i could see her doing this if she did not have a wonderful support behind her. i told her that i was going to help her out as much as possible. she has decided the best thing for her is to convert to the Catholic religion where the pressure will not be around. i am hoping she will make it and was supprised to see as many young grandmothers it is nice to know we are not alone. on more point we live in a very small town and the total school enrollment is around 250 so everyone know. i want to keep the pressure away from her and make preganacy as happy as possible. thank you all for listening and i would welcome any advice you may have pb
May 6th, 2009 at 15:09
What makes teen aged girls pick such wonderful young men to have babies with? My daughter told me the week after she turned seventeen that she was pregnant. When she told me she had one of her friends with her and and the friend said she had had an abortion. From the way my daughter presented this I’m pretty sure she was thinking this was a way out, but I blurted out “We don’t believe in abortion” before thinking about it. I don’t believe in abortion but later realized this was a decision she must make for herself. My daughter was very active socially and in competitive cheerleading, softball and high school rodeo so I know she never planned to have a baby this young. I went back later and told her she would have to decide but she was already influenced by my remark and after holding some babies she decided to keep the baby. My grandson is due July 20th. I look forward to his arrival but cannot stand his “dad”. I later found out that this young man (he turned 18 in March) had pressured her to have a baby. She told me that they used a condom but I don’t think she would know if he didn’t, so I feel like he has manipulated this situation. I also heard thru the grapevine that he had a plan to find a girl whose parents had money, get her pregnant so the parents would take care of them. I will 100% support my daughter and my grandson, however this boy can starve before I buy him a hamburger from the $1 menu. This boy had no car for a long time, his grandfather bought him one this weekend, he had a job that he quit because they were mean to him and he is enrolled in night school to finish his senior year. he did the night school thing because his mother asked him to get a job to help pay for some of his expensive tastes, he didn’t realize that this would cost him his baseball eligibility his senior year. I have talked to his mother and I’m sure this is not what she meant telling him to get a job, she meant part time work. My daughter has had good boyfriends in the past and I thought she was smart enough to pick someone who had something or at least had the sense to get something. This boy seems to think the way to get something is by asking his grandparents. We are scheduled for a 3-D ultrasound tomorrow and he said his grandparent will pay half, I will take their money but the money should be coming from him. So far he has bought 4 baby outfits and a couple of bottles. The more I say about him the more she “loves” him. I truly hope he turns out to be a wonderful father, but from what I have seen so far I’m not getting my hopes up. My daughter talks about them moving in together but since neither of them work, it seems like wishful thinking. She never mentions getting married and when asked she says she doesn’t want to marry him. She is letting him control everything, she had a name picked for a while before she even had any idea of getting pregnant and we had been calling this baby that name for months when Mr. Wonderful tells her he doesn’t like it and picks another name. She want to give the baby his last name and let him legitimize him at the hospital. I have asked her not to do that until we see what kind of father he actually is, from his past history I don’t see him still being here in a year. Then we will be raising a child who has a sifferent name than the rest of us and a first name we didn’t pick. I even offered tohave the baby’s name changed to his in a year if he is still in the picture. She says well if he is not we can change the baby’s name then to ours. BUt at that time it will be much harder because his rights will have to be terminated and he is not going to want his name off that little trophy he created. Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with situations like this? I don’t want to be controlling, but in the end I am the one paying all the bills so I want to avoid all I can. I want to help my daughter all I can but I don’t want to help her make a big mistake.
June 14th, 2009 at 12:34
Hello, All.
I’m not doing well with my daughter’s pregnancy. It’s sent my depression into high gear. I don’t have health insurance, so can’t ‘get counseling’, which has never changed anything anyway. Free services and sliding scale services all operate during the work day. I don’t have “sick days” that i can use for appointments and wouldn’t want to, anyway. I am so tired of being told that I need counseling because I don’t want to be pushed around and controlled by a badly-behaved troublemaking brat of a teen.
It bothers me that she’s not at all embarassed or contrite about her situation. I am old fashioned about pregnant teens and continually ask her to cover up that belly and those huge breasts with loose clothing. She says “why should I, they’re not going away.”. I tell her I didn’t ask her opinion and to cover it up. I’ve threatened to slap her face (and had every intention of doing so) if she didn’t go put on something that did NOT outline her bulge.
We have a long history of battles. She is defiant and this pregnancy is the last straw for me. I want her to go live somewhere else. As far as I’m concerned, underage sex is a deal breaker.
I don’t want to be seen in public with her. We moved to a new apartment. I told the kids it was because I couldn’t afford our old one (truth), but instead of finding one near our long-time neighborhood, I moved 30 miles away to a different town. I don’t want my once-neighbors seeing my daughter underage, pregnant and pleased with herself.
The neighbors in our new area are pleasant and friendly, but I don’t want to make friends! I want to hide! I actually park my car on a side street and duck in the back door to avoid their invitations. It feels like being on the lam.
I feel disgraced, and like my daughter has done everything in her power to tear apart whatever I have worked for.
Of course, she tells her boyfriend everything I say with an extra twist and out of context so he is convinced that she is persecuted and believes that I hate him. I don’t hate him, but I’m not terribly thrilled with him.
Anyway I’m tired of being forced to provide for her and put up with her bad behavior. I don’t have any rosy notions about the coming baby. In fact, I’m not interested at all, don’t even want to see it. I don’t care if its a boy or a girl or a rooster. I just see it as more of her nonsense that she’s saddling me with. Grandparent! I don’t want to be anything’s grandparent!
I feel like I’ve got to get away, then I want to throttle my kid for making me miserable in my own house. I have another daughter, and the stress and hostility in the house is effecting her too. This is a nightmare.
She says “you act like this is about you.” I say it IS about me until she gets the h-ll out of my house. Then it can be hers and all hers. I told her she knew who I was before she brought home the belly, so don’t expect me to be somebody different now.
I have no idea what to do. I’m so angry and resentful that I know I’m being irrational. I don’t care. I’m tired of other people’s bad behavior becoming my problem.
Her father is useless…that’s another story of bad behavior that falls into my lap. He lives 1200 miles away and hasn’t called in 3 years. He pays minimal child support by working under the table. There is no family that I can send her to live with.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:43
Hi Suzy,
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such tough times. May I ask how old your daughter is?
Mary Lutz´s last blog ..Father’s Day Recipes Dad’s will Love!
June 16th, 2009 at 02:35
Suzy — It sounds like there are a lot of emotions running through you and your daughter and it is all totally acceptable and ok. Teen pregnancy can and usually is a shocker and each family has to find a way to deal with it in a way that is emotionally healthy for everyone.
The 1st step I believe is for you to address your anger and realize that is is ok to be angry but you must move from that anger into something else.
((Hugs to you and your daughter))
June 25th, 2009 at 08:37
I found out my 15 year old daughter was pregnant on Good Friday. She just turned 16.
I’ve done everything in my power to be supportive, didn’t yell or scream. Even took her boyfriend with her for her first Ob appt. At that appointment, she made me sit in the waiting room while she had HIM in the ultrasound room with her! I can’t even speak to how much that hurt me.
Everything is about HER right now. Yes, I know that’s normal bratty teen behavior to a point, but c’mon – she’ pregnant now. You’d think she’d have the slightest appreciation for the family that has to make adjustments for her.
Right now, she portrays us (her family) as evil, horrible people who don’t feed her (everything in the house, or on the table, “isnt good with my stomach, I want Xyz”). Everything is how wonderful HIS family is, and how THEY are excited about a grandchild! I’ve not been able to speak with his family about this because his parents do not speak English, so I have no idea how they really feel.
My pregnant daughter (she just turned 16) is at this moment, visiting my 22-year-old daughter in another state for a month, and I hear her behavior is just as unreasonable, lazy and ungrateful up there. I just don’t know what to do. And my 22 year old just found out she’s pregnant for the first time ,with twins! She and her husband are thrilled – but it’d be nice if her younger sister wasn’t sort of “stealing her thunder” so to speak.
I just don’t know what to do – her behavior is so mean, lazy, ungrateful. I have no idea when I suddenly raised such a miserable child. I finally told her if she wanted, when the baby was born, I’d sign the paper for her to marry the boy and go live with his parents. Mind you, they’d never put up with her behavior, and I really don’t WANT her marrying at 16, but I’m at my wit’s end.
I’ve thought about counseling for her but it’s not like I can pick her up and force her into the car. I’m worried that if this attitude continues, she’s going to be a horrible mother, not be able to handle the responsibility of a child, and hurt herself or the child. I can’t raise another child myself and I’ll support her in any way I can but…. isn’t there any support for us anywhere?
June 25th, 2009 at 17:01
Steph,
I know how hard it is to raise teenagers, let alone when you find out they’re pregnant. It’s normal for teens to go through a “selfish” stage, especially when they hit 16 and 17 because they’re trying to gain their independence. While this is true, it’s still no excuse for laziness and flat out disrespect. You could try to go a quiet place where you and she can talk. You both need to air your feelings so you can work out your differences. Since she is going to be a mommy now, she does need all the support she can get from you. I know that is hard, especially with your relationship where it is right now. But, it can be mended with some communication and love. Don’t expect it to happen overnight, but with some real effort and unconditional love, you can have a great relationship with your daughter and her new baby. They both need you, and you will see you need them too. Being a grandparent is one of the greatest blessings there is! I’d hate for you to miss out on the awesomeness you can have with your grandchild because of issues with your daughter. So, please just take some time to talk to your daughter, sort out your differences, work out a plan that you both can live with and enjoy that new grand baby!
June 26th, 2009 at 04:24
I would like to thank you all for sharing your stories, it has helped more than you will know. I found out a week ago my 14 year old was pregnant and from the moment we took the test to today when we had our first counciling session to help give her all options available to her and her decision, i have been holding my own emotions in so as to support her but after today i felt more alone than ever with the hurt , the guilt the anger the fear for that un born child she was no angel to begin with but i still was not ready for this, even though i have great people in my life i dont think they could even begin to understand all the emotions you go through there needs to be more help for parents who are trying to support and gude teens to deal with their own emotions too. thank you all and i wish us all strength, love and patience… beth
June 26th, 2009 at 04:34
Hi Beth and welcome to Parenting My Teen. I wanted to just commend you on the way you are handling what I am sure is very hard to digest and unexpeted news! Please do stick around here, bookmark us and sign up for our newsletter (upper left harnd corner of the site).
I hope all works out for the best for you and your 14year old daughter.
Aurelia
June 27th, 2009 at 04:13
Hello All,
My 19 y/o stepdaughter told us last week that she is 3 months pregnant. After an initial shock, and unpleasantries all around, we’ve decided to let her live here, and the baby as well once he/she is born. The baby’s father is 20, and works a part-time job. Our daughter also works part-time. My biggest concern for the baby is how inmature our daughter is. I’m concerned she will use the baby as an emotional football–allowing us to be a part of its life when convenient, then withdrawing. Our daughter is known for emotional rages, although they had really decreased prior to her getting pregnant. The baby’s father was himself raised by a single mother, and has never known his father. I imagine his mother had lots of conversations about NOT going down this path! We’ve never met her, but he says she’s supportive of their pregnancy. This all feels like unchartered territory. I welcome your support as my husband and i transverse these waters. Are there postings too from reluctant grandparents after the baby is born? I’d love to know how all are coping.
Janice
June 27th, 2009 at 17:09
Hi, All.
Update:
Daughter is still difficult, rude and generally a pain in the ass. I just gave her a slap in the mouth for talking back to me about doing her laundry. Just get up and do it and don’t give me any crap. Rest assured, I didn’t injure her, just let her know that I don’t have to listen to her crap.
Her high school graduation was last week. I picked out her dress to make sure it hid the bump since her grandparents attemded. Her grandparents are not a source of support, but they travelled 3000 miles for this event and I was not going to have her condition an embarassment for them.
To get her to wear the dress and keep her mouth shut, I printed out a plane fare chart to her father’s town and said if she spoke one rude word to her visiting family, I would drive her to the airport with the clothes on her back and put her on a plane to her father’s.
She did not have enough credits to graduate, but in this school district, they allow the kids to participate in the ceremony even if they have another half year of credits to earn before they get a diploma. Whether or not she will go to summer school and complete is up to her. I told her she could take the money out of her own savings account to fund summer school. I will not pay for it. She had every opportunity to get her diploma during the ordinary school year, but she goofed off and failed. Let her feel the financial pain of her stupidity.
Aurelia, I understand your comment about getting over anger, but I don’t know how to do it. I’m tired of pretending not to be angry when people take advantage of me. I want her to take her belly and get out from under my roof. Why on earth should I be supportive of this? This is the result of her breaking every rule I made.
To the other parents who have just had this bomb dropped in their laps, you have my sympathy and condolences.
Janice, I too am concerned about the coming child being used as an emotional football since my daughter has history of being a total manipulator. The only plan I can think of is to not be involved with the child. Sad, but I’ve had enough manipulation.
Suzy
June 27th, 2009 at 17:10
oh, to reply to Mary, my daughter is 17. She will be 18 in October. She’s about 24 weeks now. We’re not sure since she chooses not to see a doctor.
June 27th, 2009 at 21:55
Suzy,
Careful about laying a hand on your daughter. If she is wise, or chose to, she could get you in major hot water with Suspected Child Abuse. You cannot strike a child in the face, no matter what. I also hope you have support for yourself. I know I feel like my emotions are under the mysterious control of this inmature child who chose to get pregnant!
Janice
June 28th, 2009 at 01:42
To the ladies who have made the previous posts: How is life turning out? Do you ever read these blogs after your grandchild is born? Do you have suggestions for us, who are dealing with our pregnant teen? H-e-l-l-ooooooo, are you still out there??
Janice
June 28th, 2009 at 01:59
Suzy – I was really hoping your update would have been a happier one. I do offer totally free coaching consultations and I would love to try to work with you thought this.
My daughter was a teen mom and I was also a teen mom so I’ve been on both sides of this fence and can possibly help. Let me know if you are interested. You can reach me at aurelia@parentingmyteen.com
July 4th, 2009 at 02:44
Hi, Parents.
A note to Janice: This daughter has used Child Protective Services against already. What is amusing is that I never slapped her until she did that.
She turned me in when she was 14. She wanted to go live with a family that she had met through school friends. She figured if she fabricated crap about my abusing her, she could work out a deal where she could live with whom she chose, and force me to pay child support to fund the deal.
I no longer fear that phone call; I know how to deal with them. I have told the daughter that if she thinks she’s abused, she can call anybody she wants because having her taken out of my house would suit me just fine. Funny how she’s not making any calls now that she knows I will not be intimidated by that crap.
Daughter has been kissing up to me suddenly, calling me ‘mommy’, wanting to sleep in my bed, etc, etc. I’m not buying it. She’s after something, whether it’s more time in my house or to get me to pitch in and play free babysitter to whatever she is producing. I won’t be manipulated. I tell her to get out of my bed and that I don’t want to make amends.
Suzy
July 7th, 2009 at 10:45
Hello All,
I had confirmation yesterday that my 14 year old is pregnant to a 19 year old asian boy who already has a child with another white girl and is on a curfew imposed by the courts for assult!
I am really struggling to get my head around all this. Am i completely stupid as now i can see the signs were around that she was sexually active but i couldn’t bring my self to accept that my little girl would be doing that with any one. As when asked she could come up with explanations and excuses for all of it.
Last Friday we had a big row about her mobile phone bill which resulted in me confiscating the phone….she went balistic absolutely uncontrolable rage the like of which i have never seen in someone her age…a 2 year old tantrum is the only way i explain it. This made me think there was more to this mobile so instead of just chucking it into a drawer for a month to try to teach her a lesson in controlling the use of minutes on the contract I looked at it.
I found pictures of them together and texts to her friend about the possibility of being pregnant, even then i thought this can’t happen to my child. There were also a million texts to him about him cheating on her.
I can’t begin to describe the emotions i am going through…
My immediate reaction is that i want her to terminate this pregnancy as she is at the most 6 weeks, she says she will have the baby and have it adopted, which i know when the time comes she won’t.
I am a single mom and really thought that now my youngest is nearly 15 i would be able to start to live again. I have 2 older boys who will also be affected by this I think she is being selfish as 14 year olds are she has no idea of the impact this will have on the family as a whole(the shame of it all will kill her nan i’m convinced of it)
I don’t want her and her child in my home I am gettong to the end of my reposibilities as a parent i dont want to be responsible for a grandchild. There is also the question of money, as a family i manage to keep roof over our heads and with some board money from the boys i put food on the table but why should they have to keep a baby too ?I feel so frustrated, angry ,resentful, hurt and so out of my depth.
I have made an appointment for us to go to councelling tonight but i find it hard to even look at her at the moment and all the info i have read on the internet about these moms who support their daughters …GUILT…..cos i don’t want to!!!!
I havn’t spoken to anyone yet about any of this as i can’t control my feelings and just keep crying.
Any comments or advice would be welcome…
Liz
July 8th, 2009 at 02:43
Hello, Liz.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I understand your anger and resentment, my daughter has put our family into a similar situation. We were already a struggling single parent family so this has been the straw that has emotionally broken the camel’s back. I have posted several times above, and I think some of the posts have been so rageful that they might have worried the other parents…sorry to you all for that.
You may be surprised about her nan…I thought my mom would be mortified, but she is completely sympathetic to the girl and instead is mad at ME. Surprise, surprise.
You have no need to feel guilty. It’s perfectly natural that you are not happy about this situation and don’t wish to jump in and play Granny for the next 18 years. The media tells us that we are ‘bad’ moms if we are not ‘supportive’ to children’s shenanegans. Don’t believe it for a minute. You have a right to your feelings.
I hope your daughter keeps her plan to adopt it out. I also hope keep posting here. I’m sorry that you have reason to be on this forum, but welcome.
Suzy
July 9th, 2009 at 04:15
I don’t know the states you are all writing from. I’m in California. Here there are homes women can live in while they are pregnant. There are homes for girls not yet 18, as well as those for girls older. They teach budgeting, meal planning, career planning, as well as child development.
Also Liz, if your daughter is considering adoption, there are wonderful resources for she and you as well. I know: all four of my kids are adopted. There are homes where she can live with other women who have chosen adoption. There are resources.
As for us, we’re putting together a plan for our daughter to follow if she wants to live in our home. Things like planning menu’s and grocery lists, learning how to use a bus schedule, as she got fired from her part time job, and will shortly not have enough $ to pay her car insurance. We’re ready to make her car non-drivable until she has the $ for insurance. Tough love.
I hope you all have support for yourselves. I don’t know what I’d do without my friends.
Janice
July 11th, 2009 at 01:48
If you guys are interested, there are more positive websites for parents of pregnant teens. We’re all entitled to our angst, but for practical advice, I’d advise another website. If you’re interested, here it is: http://www.chalfonthouse.com/spblog/labels/Parenting%20A%20Pregnant%20Daughter My husband and I found many helpful topics there.
Janice
July 11th, 2009 at 10:53
Hello Again,
After alot of research on the internet and the councilling session we have decided on a termination. We are in England and unfortunately either the type of clinic or home for pregnant teenagers doen’t exsist or they are a well kept secret.
Keeping my child in the family home is not an option (if she insists on having her child)I have to think as our familyas a whole and we are just begining to come to terms with the divorce and family breakdown and to become a family again. I had a breakdown and am on my way to a full recovery i can not let her foolish moment of passion change all our lives again.
Janice i looked at the website but did not find it helpful as you will understand by the choice we made. If any one knows a website that helps you and your child come to terms with termination as a choice I would like to know of it.
Suzy, thanks and I am sure we are not alone in our feelings.
Liz
July 17th, 2009 at 17:40
hello my name is kim i am 39 ,my 15 year old daughter is 6 weeks pregnant,she suffers from several mental health disorders, she has bipolar,chronic anxiety,ptsd she is on (well was on ) medication for these disorders. now being pregnant it is not safe for her to take any medications…i am lost i was a teen mother myself but not at 15. her bf denies that the child is his and wants a paternity test , i am supportive of my child i have always gone above and beyond for her and will continue to do so ..
i see that my child is selfish just like so many other mothers her have posted here .your family and mine are supporting them and they have no gratitude for us ..why is that?? my daughter is excited and is keeping the baby my friend is going through this also with her 16 year old daughter only she is a single mom.
i have a wonderful husband who has raised my children( he is not their biological father) with me for the past 14 years he loves them as if they were his own….and to him and them they are..
my daughter has put us through hell for many years , she has been no angel but i am so fearful now .. i am sure i will survive this .. i am just happy to see that there are so many supportive parents out there.
July 17th, 2009 at 18:50
I’m happy to hear your willingness to support your daughter’s decision. I know it will be tough for you and for your daughter, but it will be worth the struggles you’re going to face. I have a niece who was 19 when she got pregnant, and she has a learning disability as well as some of the issues you mentioned above. She lived with us for a while after the baby was born, and now she is an awesome mom. Yes, she struggles because of her disability, and we have to help her a lot, but that little girl, who is now 1 and 1/2 is the cutest darn thing and so sweet. I couldn’t imagine life without her now. Hang in there Kim. Don’t forget to come here often whenever you need some encouragement from those of us who have been there.
July 17th, 2009 at 19:52
Hello all;
I am now the parent of an 18yr old daughter who informed me i would be a grandmother in March 2010– I am having very mixed feelings over this- I am hopful that my first grandchild will be healthy. I am anxious about how my daughter will be able to care for this new life as she did not finish high school and does not appear to be in any hurry to get her ged. Right now she is living in a fantasy world that she will be able to move to her father’s family after the baby is born- and that they will help her raise her child. I am not happy about this as my exhusband was very abusive when we were married and i divorced him 15 yrs ago– and he has had very little to do with our children who are now 18 and 22.
i am very lucky in that i found love with my current husband and we have blended our families and he is very supportive of all our children(mine,his,ours)we have 5 all together and will be celebrating our 12th anniversary soon- our daughter will live with us for as long as she needs to to make sure our grandchild is well taken care of. He is my rock that i can always turn to.
I do know that my daughter has no idea of what she is about to experience and become responsible for and i am wondering how i can help her get to that point? She is working part time- but does not seem to be in any hurry to complete her education–i would really like her to get her ged and some secondary education but she does not seem to be thinking she needs this- The father of the baby is going to college and at first told her to have an abortion- she told him she would raise the child by herself if need be– but i believe she is harboring a belief that he will all of a sudden want to talk care of her and the baby when she delivers. As she met him while visiting her father i do not know anything else about him.
My queston is at what point do i stop funding my daughter –now mom to be and make her totally responsible for herself and her child? I know she will need support during and after delivery- which i will do but at what point do i step back and be the grandma as well as help my daughter become a succesful independent adult and mom herself-
My mother passed away when i was 24 and my father when i was 25- I have always been a very self responsible person-put myself through college/raised my children on my own until i met my husband and have recieved very little financial support from the ex -
I have to say my daughters teenage years have been very trying– she has put us through every conceiveable event possible– lying/sneaking out/stealing/drugs/smoking– I am hoping this pregnancy straightens her out-I have taken and participated in counseling/contract negotiations/at one point i asked her father to take her in to try and get her away from the group of friends that she was hanging out with and he refused-telling me that he had no time for her– which is why i am amazed that all of a sudden he and his wife are going to help her raise her child-
she had just gotten to the point where she was seeing the psychologist and he place her on medication that i thought was helping–but now she cannot take —
I know i am in for the longest rollercoaster ride of my life with this pregnancy and am determined to keep my sanity and my family together through it– any helpful insights into making the transition from mom to grandmom would be helpful– thanks
July 20th, 2009 at 12:34
Hi Sue,
wow our stories are so similiar,with a few minor changes i have been through the same experiences as you only my child is 15, she can no longer take her meds either, my husband and i have decided the best thing to do is to go with the flow due to my childs mental health problems . she suffers from bipolar and several others . So if she is excited we decided to support her emotions and to be excited also , to maintain her mental health during this..most people dont agree with supporting a pregnant teenager.
But she is my child i loved her before this and i will love her during it and after.
i was 17 when i had my son who is now 21 i had no financial support and i struggled i didnt live home i lived with my boyfriend it was difficult but i survived it . I have two great kids and a wonderful husband.
I didnt not plan for my daughter to be pregnant or to suffer from the illnesses that she does but she is my daughter i made it this far with her through all the ups and downs of running away going to court smoking all the stuff you mentioned above.
I am taking it one day at a time , loving and supporting my child my family is very supportive of her and we are this moment are bonding better than before.
I dont like roller coaster sue lets hope we all get through this ride in one piece …good luck to us all
July 22nd, 2009 at 18:13
Dear Kim- Thanks for the words of support and encouragement– My daughter had her first ob apt last friday- she was 6wks and 4days– so it sounds like we will be grandmas around the same time together-
Nothing will change her life more that the birth of this baby- I am only hoping she is up to the task- Already she has reverted to the sleep all day up all night routine that she had before her meds– and i found out that her father was diagnosed with bipolar disorder — there is a good chance that she has it too– the psych dr will continue to monitor her through out her pregnancy– we are lucky in that my husbands insurance will cover her until she turns 19– right after the baby is due–
As my sister in law had her first child at 16 – My mother in law has been very supportive–she told me there is nothing more heart warming than holding that baby — I am looking forward to this with a feeling of mixed emotions- happy that i will have a grandchild but sad in that i know my daughter will have a rough time in providing for this child- and i am sure that my husband and i will be ultimately providing for this new child–
So good luck to you Kim in your journey to grandparent hood and to all the people who have written– I wish you peace on this journey–we will all need it– so take some deep breaths — look to your inner strength and know that we survived raising the first round of children– we will survive in helping to raise our grandchildren– because when all is said and done– that baby is your family who will be looking to grab onto your finger when they come into this world.— sue
July 24th, 2009 at 17:41
dear sue, thank you so much to share this experience with people you dont know and to recieve encouragement from them helps me to know i am not alone. I went to the Dr’s with my daughter today she is now 7 weeks and 3 days. She had her first internal exam ever and was anxious about it and she is not on her meds. The experience today was horrible the dr. tried to talk to me and she got so angry that he did , why the anger ?
He told her it is safe for her to continue some of her meds at a lower dosage and it will not harm the baby if need be he will put her on them. She does not want to take them. I am trying to get her to understand that taking her meds keeps her safe and her baby.
She does not like to accept the fact that she is mentally ill, that she needs meds to maintain and function in society. I asked the doctor if her chances of post partum depression is increased by her illness. Unfortunately he said yes.. more to worry about.
I know in my heart when this is over and that baby is here we will be overjoyed. It is getting to that point safely for all . I am strong and so is my daughter ..they say what doesnt kill us makes us stronger.
I also have mixed emotions from one min. to next …I have issues with people saying am i ready to be a mother…or you know your going to be raising this child!!
I raised my children already and as hard as this is going to be ,,i have faith in the child i raised. I am sure my daughter will struggle in motherhood we all do .but i am going to do my best to help her to be a good kind caring mom..thats all i can do.
no one knows what the future holds , perhaps our daughters will surprise us and be so amazing at this …we fair the worse , hope for the best..
keep in touch ,take care of you too ,we cant forget about our selves and being mothers we tend to forget about taking care of ourselves
hope to hear from you soon
again thank you for the encouragement , it really does help
July 28th, 2009 at 21:14
Hello,Well I am sitting here reading everyone of the messages left by moms.I knew I wasnt alone yet I know noone going thru this very hard/yet suppose to be a wonderful time. My husband and I are high school sweethearts and have been married just over 20yrs.We have 3 children 2 daughters 19 and 17. We also have a son 4yrs old. We have tried very hard to bring our children up knowing Jesus and to live a christian life. We feel we somewhere lost both girls. We found out 2 wks ago our 17yr old is pregnant! But we found out thru friends parents.She refused to tell us.She was scared yet I understand but it still hurts.The Friday we found out I got her into a ob on Monday! Now that she is 17 she is considered an adult in Missouri! They can do what they want go where they want they can move out yet we are still responsible for all they do and for them period. Our state is sooo messed up its ridiculous! Anyways since she is an adult at 17 I took her to the ob and wasnt allowed back..she didnt want me there. So she came out and said ok lets go! What? So what did dr say. I dont want to discuss it. I asked for dr but they cant tell me anything except pay the $30 copay on your way out. Yes I pay the bills and they dont tell me anything! Talk about angry!! She finally said yes I am pregnant and that was it. She refuses to tell us anything. She did say she was going to kill it her words! She has to have permission in Mo. Thank God for that. But we told her we will not have any part of killing the baby. She chooses to do so she will have to leave our home and we will not help her finanically with car or college. No help at all! We meant it! Still do.! KS laws are hey if you are over 16 come here we will kill for you. Sorry I think abortion is legalized murder. I feel as strong in my beliefs as those who are prochoice. So I dont want to be told Im wrong I just state what is goin on in my home. Everyone will eventually answer to God. Needless to say she hasnt gone to Ks. so Im guessing she is keeping it. For adoption or raising I dont know! She wont tell us! She wont let us say anything. I bought her a book What to Expect … I put it on her desk when she was gone and I thought it would help her since she definately doesnt understand what is happening to her. I thought she wont talk to me or anyone else in the family. So anyways later that nite she opens our bedroom door throws it on floor and slams the door behind her. My husband and I told her to come back in here.She came in and said what and got such a mean attitude like the book was sooo stupid. My husband began to talk to her and asked if she’d like to talk to us we want to know what she is considering doing about the baby. She said not our business. I said yes it is. We pay the bills and we deserve to know what you are doing. She in return said shut up b…. . I refuse to curse. Im sure you get that. OK! That is it. Im tired of you treating me bad. I told her she needs to pack and leave for the weekend. Im not going to be treated this way. She slammed door and then a few minutes later returned I have no where to go ! My husband said you should have thought about that earlier. Anyways, she left for the weekend. Give us both cool off time.
she has been treating me bad about 2yrs now. She hit me once and has also been a cutter. We got her help different places. I was scared she’d kill herself cutting too far. But noone seemed to help. This last time in April she threatened to suicide.So we took her to Marilac in Ks.She was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and a personality disorder, and bipolar.So yes she is mentally ill. She isnt allowed to take her meds now. But when she did that short time man it was the most wonderful time of my life.She talked to me.She hugged me we talked I had a real daughter. Then boom!! She got pregnant. Shes not sure who the dad is! Between 3 guys. So to add to the baby surprise I get to try to deal with my daughter sleeping around. Talk about surprising. I didnt know her again! with out the meds she is so mean and hateful. She calls me names all the time. Our son called me stupid last nite. She calls me stupid and retard all the time. We make her go to her room. Doesnt do any good.grounding her is worse on me than her. Our problem in we dont know what to do. She wont tell us about the baby. OH! her friends parent told me she now is 8wks. Due in Feb. Yes so nice to know whats going on thru others. IM sooo angry about this. But Im trying to back off and give her space.But her space is making mine sooo bad! I dred her getting up lately.We pay for her and sisters cell.They were suppose to nope not a penny. I got a contract cant cancel without paying $400 and I dont have that much at once. So I got parental controls and I turn off at times when I need to get their attention. But it doesnt do much either. Im so sick of being treated sooo bad.Im tired of being treated like this. Our 19yr old is giving us a ton of grief. We just found out she had an abortion in November! NOT what I need to hear at this time. She does regret it sooo much. She tells her sis not to make that same mistake she cries everytime she sees a baby especially since its so close to the time she would be having it.That helps I think.17yr old isnt talking about abortion anymore. But frankly both girls well it feels like they just use us for a place to sleep and eat and dont talk to them or bug them. Just let them do what they want. They both just lie soo much! Its so hard. They were raised better than this. I dont know what is happening.They lie to my face. I HATE To admit it but I really would love for them to leave! Our home life is centered around them and their actions.Especially to me. My husband wants them out just as much. WE love them sooo much. But just cuz they are our children do we take the mental. emotional and physical abuse. When do say enough is enough? How long do we keep paying for medical bills for a baby that may or may not be coming?What do we do? Its so exhausting and Im wore out. my heart hurts my migraines well I put it like this Im taking percocet daily! Luckily it doesnt make me tired! But Im not sure what to do. My husband and I dont really know how to handle this.We talked about Highlands which is a wondeful home for christian girls …unwed mother home. You choose keep or place. You get to choose parents. You can choose open or close adoption. My mom use to work there she was a pregnant teen with me. 15yrs old I was born in 1970. And it was so much harder.she was asked to leave school pregnancy might be contagious! ya really. here they offer free daycare in schools.
You know Im not mad about the baby.Im not. Im actually excited. I know my actual firswt grandchld was well didnt get to live. So this is a grandbaby. I want it here. We want to help her as she finishes her sr year. I want to take her to appt. I want to see a sonogram. I want to hear the heartbeat. i want to be her mom. she hasnt let me for so long i dont know why she would now. I even tried to go up to her to just wrap my arms the day I found out and since but nope she wont let me. Or her dad. If anyone has any ideas on what we should do I would appreciate it. We may go to our church counselors if we cant figure out what we can do. Again pease understand I am a christian we dont believe in abortion. However, what you and your child do is up to you. I will not put you down for your beliefs so please dont pass judgement on ours. This really wasnt / isnt about that anymore. I was just giving some info so maybe someone may understand what is goin on. Believe me that may be long but its soo a brief explanation!
Thank you so much! I thank you for being here and being as honest as I have been with you. I havent been able to open up to talk. I really need to. Thanks so much. May God continue to bless each of you!
July 28th, 2009 at 21:34
Dear Kim- I understand — i have had some of my own family say to me that she has ruined her life and that i will have to raise this baby– but while i believe she has made things harder for herself by now having to support a new baby and navigate the world with little education and experience she will learn to handle everything just as we did when we were their age–my daughter is older than yours and at their stage there is a big difference in maturity level- i don’t know why she was angry that the dr spoke to you- she really should be happy that you are so supportive .
i have gone with my daughter to see the dr- but because she is 18 i have not been invited into the exam room–i respect her need to feel like she is in control but i am also hurt that while i am the one providing for her she has shut me out- and her dr told her that when she is a little more advanced into the pregnancy they can restart the meds if necessary– we will continue to monitor her – my husbands family has been more supportive of the situation- my family has been more judgemental on the issues–either way i am ready to face whatever comes my way–i always have handled anything that has come my way–and i will be able to handle this too– i don’t always get back to this site so if you would like to correspond on a more frequent basis my email is sejj57@hotmail.com–
i have told my daughter that she will be responsible for all copays and needs to contribute weekly toward household bills since she is 18 and working regularly–
How have your other children handled the news of the pregnancy?
I hope everyone is doing well and learning to accept that there are things we cannot change and must learn to handle –good luck to everyone–sue
July 29th, 2009 at 19:19
Dear Anji- I read all the posts by everyone and we all seem to be in the same state of mind– we all wonder what we did wrong in raising our kids– but i have come to the conclusion that we raised our girls the best that we could and the girls need to take on some responsibility for their actions– my daughter had access to birth control– she had a prescription for the bcp and didn’t take it– she knew that there was every likelihood that she was going to become pregnant and did. I also found out that she terminated a pregnancy when she was 16– i just found this out the other day– i was more uspset that she did this with out talking to me than i was that she is now pregnant– although we have had a really rough time with her teen yrs– she has also been defiant,disrespectful,and mean to the family–
I am hoping that by her becoming a mother she gains some insight on her bad behavior of the last 5 yrs–we will see–
I also paid my daughters cell phones–until 2 months ago– now she does-and i used the parental controls- i don’t let her use the car except to go to work and dr apts. and there have been times in the past when i thought i couldn’t wait for her to grow up and move out– now i am contemplating baby proofing my house all over again–there are no right answers or wrong- you have to do what works for your family– i would strongly suggest family counseling– with your church or maybe you could get a referall from your doctor–it is not easy and there are constant battles between us-she does seem to be calmer now that she is expecting and it is out in the open with the family– and i think because she realizes that we will help her she has come to realize that she needs to give back– that it is not all about her any more— i wish you luck with your daughter– maybe you could try and talk to your older daughter and find out why the younger one is so set against talking to you– i know my older children tell me much more about there lives than my 18 yr old–i always wondered why they could talk to me about anything and she would close up– i still do– i may never know- since your mom has personal knowledge on what your daughter is going through is it possible for her to talk to her– maybe contact the school and find out what resourses are available to you through them– i did this and my daughter has not taken any of the available help– i cannot get her to realize that she needs to finish school– so i have decided to sit back and let her do things her way until she comes to me for help–it is not easy to sit back and watch the make mistakes but she gets very uspet when i “but” in.. good luck to you and your family–sue
September 12th, 2009 at 02:47
Hi. I just found out 3 days ago that my 16 yr old daughter is pregnant. When I tell you that we have had the “be smart and don’t get pregnant” conversation on a daily basis, I am not exagerating. She was the last person in the world I thought would do this. From videos to conversations to a vow of purity in church. I am a single mom myself and had her outside of marriage at 21. I always assumed she was just smart and close enough to me that she wouldn’t dare. She is a very good actress with her stories and manipulation and has always been self-centered. I just never thought she would go to the extreme of even taking a chance. Even up to the day she told me she was pregnant, she was telling me that she was still waiting until she was married to have sex. This has devastated me. I wasn’t done raising my daughter and she is very immature. Doesn’t even have a driver’s license and has never had a job. Is homeschooling for education. It is nice to read that others are going through something so similar. It’s only been 3 days and I am going through a multitude of emotions like you do when there is a death in the family or something. They say “this too shall pass”. I will be glad when I get to that.
September 12th, 2009 at 14:36
Hi Jen,
We all understand how you are feeling we all have been there. My daughter is pregnant and she is also 16. Though we all have had the sex talk with our daughters we still find ourselves in this situation.
You were young when you had your daughter and you hoped for better for her. Well she made a mistake, she is young and probably scared but doesnt show it. All you can do is be supportive and teach her along the way.
The sad part is that these girls do not know how hard it is going to be, they realize how much of there lives they must sacrifice to raise these babies.
My daughter is immature and suffers from mental health issues , so this experience is extremely difficult for all of us. She is no longer on her meds , but due to the hormones of pregnancy she seems to be doing well.
She is entering her 4th month and we find out next month the sex of the baby .
The fears you have dont subside completely , but you do begin to exect the situation and actually look forward to it. I am constantly in fear , because she is 16 and at times wants to act like a 16 year old but in her condition she cant.
You will survive this believe me. good luck to you and your daughter and come back to the site anytime to vent we all need support and no one understands more than the woman on this site.
Hold on tight it is going to be a bumpy ride but in the end you will have a beautiful grandchild in your life , and one day you will wonder how you went so long without this little person in your life.
that is what keeps me going , i hope i have helped alittle.
stay strong
September 13th, 2009 at 02:13
Hi Kim,
Thanks so much for your answer. My daughter has also been a longtime sufferer of mental disorder. This is why she had to be pulled out of school. (Another trait of mine she inherited). It has always been just she and I and our relationship has been like hearts connected. However I have been finding in the last 2 years or so that I don’t know this person at all. Still had hopes and dreams and they are going by the wayside. Unfortunately, her father’s side of the family (where she is right now while I get a grip on this situation) is very “loose” about rules and what is right and wrong. There is a cousin that live there that just had a baby and are 17 & 18 and I think no matter what I’ve said to her, she looks at it as glamorous or a way to escape my constant lecturing about right and wrong. She just wants what she wants but will lie to me to make me believe she is living the way I think she should. I am on day 4 of crying now and I swear I feel like I will never stop. I am no where close to accepting a grandchild yet but I am so glad to have an outlet here. There are no support groups for this in my town and I am not ready to tell family, church, etc. Thanks again so much!!!
September 15th, 2009 at 16:17
Hello all,
I’ve just found out my 18 year old is Pregnant…and I’m scared to death…reading the posts have somewhat helped me..knowing I’m not alone is a comfort. While I have no concerns with my daughter, I know she’ll make a great mother…I would like to know how your husbands or partners reacted. I’m scared to tell mine. He’s her step-dad and loves her to no end. Here’s the kicker…the man and I use the term loosely who got my daughter preggers is 27! I want to scream, and ask him exactly what the hell was he thinking? I’ve found out since he’s gotten 2 other girls pregnant (both aborted). I feel like he’s used my daughter and do to her age as we all know “everything is romantic” at 18. Not only do I have her step father to tell…but also her real father, who’s very much a part of her life. I’m so scared that there are just going to freak out and smack his guy…and as much as I would honestly love to do just that…I realize that he is the baby’s father and wether I like it or not I need to have a relationship with him so I may continue to have my daughter in my life. I have already told her that she’s not moving in with him, getting married or any other foolish thing that comes along with this. So far she’s agreed to everything I’ve said…thankfully….but I’m terrified more of my husband and ex-husbands reactions….any help? I personally think my daughter should just tell my husband…alone…without him here…help..any suggestions?
September 16th, 2009 at 14:50
Update #55
Hello all,
Well I couldn’t take it anymore….my daughter and I both felt as if we were lying to her step-dad and just before she got home last night I sat him down and told him we had to talk. The first thing he said to me was “your hands are sweating, this must be big” I told him and he put his head down and said ” oh thank god, I thought you were going to tell me your illness had gotten worse!, New life in the house will be wonderful”….needless to say I almost fainted! She came in moments later and he went to her, hugged her and said “don’t ever hide anything from me, you never need to” and with that he put her in a fun loving head lock and said “what the hell have we taught you about birth control?” and laughed. So it went well with him, she has his complete support…I”m more than thrilled. But now we have to tell her real father…but you know what…one of you said “To get a rainbow you need alittle rain” and thanks for that…that is what gave me the courage to face this head on.
I’ve been pretty ill for the last 10 years and this just gives me reason to keep on going.
Thanks again for all your stories and hearts. All the best to you and your little ones.
September 18th, 2009 at 14:54
Melody,
That is awesome! You and your daughter are so blessed to have your hubby in your life…that love and support. As a mom of young adults and teens, as well as a youth leader, more of our teens need to know they have that kind of love and support from their family, especially their parents. Keep us posted as her pregnancy develops and especially when the baby is born!
October 10th, 2009 at 18:44
I am so glad I googled my “My teen is pregnant” she just turned 14, and has a baby on the way, though this is still very awkward to me we are coping. has anyone experience the otherside of the family being there and overwhelmingly supportive. I am still taking it all in. but you are right, this is not about me.. Thanks again
October 12th, 2009 at 08:04
To all,
I stumbled across this dialogue quite by accident. It seems that it isn’t as easy to find information about parenting a teenage mother as you would think it would be and like many of you I have found myself feeling very alone in this experience even with the support of friends and family.
My daughter was far from being the worst a kid can be, but she did make life quite difficult for most of her teen years. She suffered from depression, was diagnosed as bipolar (I’m still not entirely sure about this)… there were suicide attempts, lying, cutting school for extended periods of time (got me in big trouble with the school district and some nice threats from the DAs office), she threatened to run away, threatened to drop out of school…. failed most of her high school years… dated two boys who were over 18, and experimented with smoking drinking and pot… Counseling and psychiatry bills, medications… all very expensive. And all very stressful. To say the least she taxed me almost to my limit and left me feeling basically worn out, health wise, mentally, emotionally, and financially. I am surprised I even have a job after all we’ve been through and all the time off I had to take…
I’m a 42 year old woman and have always been single. It was so interesting to read your posts and see that my feelings were not quite so unique and I feared. For example, feeling like the world was looking at and blaming me, or assuming that I set a bad example (even though I was actually 25 when I had her.) Sometimes I have strong feelings of guilt like I somehow failed in spite of the fact that I provided a good home, and was the kind of parent who made a point of it to keep an open dialogue about EVERYTHING – sex, birth control, relationships… all of it. And I never gave up on her, even when I was at the end of my rope. We talked about EVERYTHING and yet, she got pregnant anyway. When I see what she is going through sometimes I feel so guilty… like somehow I allowed this to happen to her…
My daughter gave birth six weeks ago. Her boyfriend is VERY involved but even though he is a few years older he is not very mature. (They are mentally and emotionally equal despite their age difference which is why I didn’t take legal action when I found out about him – decided to get to know him and then decide what to do.) His involvement means he is ALWAYS at my house and it’s almost like he lives here… I want my daughter to have his support and to nurture the relationship between my granddaughter and her father, but this is NOT a situation I EVER thought I’d be in or would have approved of for my underage daughter. I am quite smitten with my granddaughter. Being a grandparent is every bit as wonderful as people have always said it would be. But I have run into lots of issues and questions as to what my role is in this. The pregnancy seemed to clear up all of my daughter’s behavioral issues. She began working VERY hard in school and is nearly caught up… she has the goal of going to college… My daughter is excellent with children and is a good mother, but she is still 17. Occasionally I will feel the need to interject my opinion about something that involves the welfare of the baby… it gets so tricky. I don’t feel like this baby is my responsibility but she is my granddaughter and I will never allow her to suffer just to make a point with her parents about responsibility… In all honesty, the pregnancy was the easy part. Now that the baby is here, is where it gets hard. What is my role? How much do I do? Where do I draw the line while making sure that the baby is safe and supported? How do I adhere to my values AND allow my daughter and her “family” the chance to grow and mature as they will?
October 26th, 2009 at 19:13
Stacey, thanks for sharing and being so open about your situation. I too am a grandmother, so I can relate there. I also have a son who is 24, an addict, and he and his pregnant girlfriend live with us. She is 20. Though they are not teenagers, I understand your situation. I’ve already begun wondering what my role is and will be once the baby is here. My son is working full time in a restaurant and she is currently collecting unemployment. They have no means to support a baby…heck they can’t support themselves. I’ve offered to help them out as best we can (like letting them live here for very cheap, etc.) But, once the baby is here, how much say will I have? Will I be allowed to step in when I see a better way, or should I just allow them to make the same mistakes I did? (I had my first baby at 19, was not married).
I think it’s okay, and wise, to offer our suggestions, but to word it in a way so they know they are only suggestions. Try saying “When Susie was a newborn, I used this particular product” or “here’s what worked when Billy was a baby, you could give it a try”.
Remember, not all babies are the same, as I’m sure you know, and they all have different issues (i.e. skin and food sensitivities, temperments and personalities), so every situation won’t be the same.
Plus, now they have so many different products out there for babies that didn’t exist when my kids were little…it amazes me! How did we ever breastfeed our kids without a boppie pillow? LOL. Oh, and don’t even get me going on epidurals!!!
Anyway, just being there for you daughter and granddaughter is the most important thing you can do. Feel your way around to see how your daughter responds to your instruction and suggestions. Obviously if she is doing something horribly wrong, step in immediately, but overall, if she’s not doing things exactly how you would, it’s okay.
November 19th, 2009 at 16:08
I came across these postings trying to find some help….some type of support. I have read the majority of the comments and though I understand, this is still extremely difficult for me and my situation seems to be slightly different. My daughter, who just turned 16 is 7 months pregnant and we only found out 2 months ago. To add to it, I just recently had a baby myself and I have no family or friends in the new city we live if (my husbands job transferred him about 2 years ago across the country).
Emotionally, financially and physically, I can not help her raise this baby. I am struggling with my own infant and cant imagine having two in the house. We have a relative (that is on the west coast, a few hours from where we live) that is willing to raise the baby until my daughter is ready. She can visit the baby as often as possible and can even go and live with them if she is finding the separation difficult.
I am extremely grateful for this offer, but feel awful that I cant help my daugther raiser her child. I also find it hard to be emotionally supportive for my daughter. You would think I would be the most helpful person for her since I just went thru the whole pregnancy thing, but it disgusts me to look at her. I am ashamed of my thoughts but I cant help it. That is why I have been searching for some type of support/help because I know my daughter needs me right now.
I am sure you are thinking that the move, my newest baby and new husband may have attributed to my daughters pregnancy, and you may be right. But she adjusted extremely well to the move and has more friends than I ever did! She makes straight A’s in school and she has a older sister that is doing well also. My husband and kids have always had a good relationship. Of course he was upset about the pregnancy, but manages to treat her no differently.
The baby will be here shortly and I just want to start getting on with our new life the best way possible but I cant shake my own feelings. People that I know that have gone thru similar situations tell me that ” once your grandbaby gets here you will feel different”. I want to scream ” I dont want a grandbaby! I just want my daughter back!”
I would appreciate some honest advice. I dont know if I am just a mean mom or maybe I am going thru post partum depression??
November 19th, 2009 at 16:23
What an honest post!! Your feelings aren’t WRONG – this is a huge adjustment for you, your daughter and your entire household right now. It takes time to adjust to it but yes, your daughter does need you and while she is pregnant, it may be hard to realize that she is still a young girl and needs her mommy too. Perhaps meeting with someone that can sit down with the both of you can help to mend the relationship. Also since you just had a baby — I am sure that your emotions are already heightened so I cant imagine how hard this timing is for you.
1st bit of advice is to stop beating yourself up! Forgive yourself for your feelings and just try to move farward to help your daughter the best way you can for what will be a long journey for her.
God Bless you and the family
January 14th, 2010 at 22:38
I think that all of you mom’s are truly courageous. I myself just went through this same ordeal with my 14 year old, one week past her 13th birthday, she woke up with excruciating back and lower abdominal pain. I took her to the ER, and if many test and xrays, the young female doctor asked me to step out, so she could ask my daughter some personal questions. I agreed and upon my return, the look on everyone in the rooms face immediately gave it a way. The doctor told me my baby was gonna have a baby. I was devastated. She denied ever having any sexual relations to her father and I, even today. Well the story behind the pain, she was in the middle of miscarrying. I leave the door open for her to talk to me, but she doesn’t. I am so afraid that she will get pregnant again, my nerves are a wreck, every time I look at her I’m wondering what’s really going on, I scan her body looking for signs. I never knew that things would come to this. But, after reading your comments I see that if this does occur it isn’t the end of the world for me or for her. By the way, because of her lies about ever having sex, I refused to put her on birth control, because I believe that kids think they are totally protected and have free will to do anything after they go on birth control. So I leave it to her decision making and pray that she makes th right choice.
January 26th, 2010 at 19:56
OK. I understand all of what you have written. I am not shocked by negative opinions, just glad you are honest about them. I’m older than most of you and the apple of my eye is pregnant. She is an honor student who was about to slide out of this relationship when his Dad died. She felt maternal and was all about “saving” him. A month and a half later, surprise, they used the old withdrawal method and it didn’t work.
My husband and I figured it out and I confronted her. She was all about getting rid of the pregnancy. I urged her to slow down. Now she wants to keep it, and her dad and I are saying OMG what are we in for now? We are precarious financially because of help we’ve given older sibs. Now we will never be secure.
I am scared. I am conflicted. I love her dearly and haven’t expressed much negativity because she has it hard enough. But I am truly wondering how we will all survive this, financially. And will she be able to go to college? She is due in August.
She had high hopes of going away to school, traveling, etc.
I am willing to help, but do not want the 24/7 thing again.
And I wonder if I influenced her too much by asking her to think carefully before making an irrevocable decision.
February 7th, 2010 at 23:59
I had first written last April, after just finding out that our then 17 yr old was pregnant. She had a pretty uneventful pregnancy and delivered a healthy baby boy in Oct. For the entire time of her pregnancy, the “wonderful” father of the baby could not hold a job…he bought not one item for the baby…instead expected my daughter to drive him wherever he needed to go (with us paying for the gas). We went to great lengths to include him, tried to help him…but he only expected more. He totaled our daughter’s car the first time he drove it..what a nightmare! We willingly supported her, buying whatever she and the baby needed. She promptly moved out on her 18th birthday, which was in Dec…to move in with him at his Grandparents…b/c of course he had no place of his own! They were kicked out of there after about 3 weeks, and have since been living wherever they can find a place to go. It sickens and saddens me, but it’s the consequences of her actions. We keep the baby (usually at least once a week) so that we will know if he’s being taken care of. We still love our daughter and precious grandbaby very much. Tough love is truly hard…especially when it keeps our 2 younger children still at home in turmoil. Sadly, our house was so peaceful once she left…I had not realized how much turmoil she and the boyfriend kept us in. Oh, and I forgot to say that the boyfriend slapped her (in our house) the week before she left with him…he tried to cut his wrist and we had to call the police! And she still went with him!
I certainly don’t have any answers for other parents of pregnant teens. We relied on friends and our pastor for guidance. Every day was a new day,and still is. It wasn’t all bad, but more bad than good. Trust is a HUGE issue, obviously….they tell different stories to different people, depending on their needs. It’s kind of like detaching emotionally….for us to survive….which is sad. But our focus now has to be on our two children who are left at home.
February 15th, 2010 at 20:59
We found out last week that our 17 year old daughter is pregnant. It has been a week of adjustment in our hopes and dreams for her life. Those who describe the emotions as similar to the mourning stages are right on. And just when you think you are dealing with it in your heart, a setback can happen in a second with just a stray thought. I am comforted to hear all the testimonies of other parents going through this process. I think we all want the same thing for our daughters….for them to lead a well balanced, productive life and be able to positively parent our grandchildren. It’s hard to imagine how my daughter will get there at this point, but I know God has a plan for her future and though she has chosen the difficult road, He will see us all through this time of trial. Her 17 year old boyfriend is a good kid and very supportive of her. I only pray that they can both make the right decisions that will give their child the best life possible, so, we offer love and support even in the midst of pain and try to help them in the right direction for their futures.
February 21st, 2010 at 02:43
I have read all of your stories so far and am glad for a place to talk. Two years ago my mother passed away and she and my daughter were very close. I am a single mom and my mother was my partner. My daughter has had two boyfriends. I did not even want her to date, ha ha. She is 16 and I really thought she was smarter than that, I mean she has watched me struggle and I had her when I was 25. But she thinks she is in love! She got pregnant 7 months ago, I was furious!! I really do not like her boyfriend and I feel like he influenced her. Anyway, she had an abortion. I think I forced her to make that decision. I tried to reasin with her and in the end she agreed it would be too hard, she is very immature for her age. She gets hysterical at the sight of blood or throwing up. She never picks up after herself, she fights with me to even do a chore! Her bedroom is a pigsty no matter how often I ask her to clean it! Well I allowed her to keep seeong the boy , big mistake, and I talked to her about birth control but she said she would never have sex again till she got married. I beleived her. I knew her period was due this week as I have been keeping up with it. Well she had only used 2 pads out of the package and I got suspicious. She confirmed my worst fear she is now pregnant again! I feel numb! I hate her boyfriend, he is lazy and disrespectful to his parents! He is very controlling and very jealous! I want to kill him, not really but the thought can’t help but come into my head! I do not think another abortion would be a good idea. She was careless to make this decison. But since she did I feel like she has to deal with the reality of it. I want to keep her away from this boyfriend, I think he did it on purpose! She says she loves him and he is going to support her and the baby, he is 16 also. They have no clue!! I want to be there for her but I do not want to fight about this boy either, just pushes her closer to him. I don’t know what to do!! I have another daughter who is only 9 and this is going to affect her too. Any advice would be appreciated or just someone to talk to. I wish I would have forced the pill on her. I feel so stupid and helpless!!
March 18th, 2010 at 10:02
My 17 year old daughter is 25 weeks along. I am going back and forth in my emotions. First, I can’t believe this is happening. My Christian school “good girl” is pregnant. I keep thinking that people are thinking “thank God that isn’t MY daughter!” This is her first boyfriend. I spoke to her regularly about birth control. Constantly asked her if she needed it. I am also hurt that she didn’t turn to me for birth control. I didn’t have the kind of relationship with my parents where I could talk to them honestly about anything. I had an abortion @ 16 as a result. My husband and I were just beginning to get our financial lives together and now we will be supporting this situation. I know that babies are a blessing and that I will love this little girl (Chloe).
March 27th, 2010 at 18:06
Great site and thanx for the post
April 8th, 2010 at 05:31
A plea for you to think about the ethics of buying maternity clothing. Really, if people are going to bring a baby in this world, it’s only right to ensure the world remains in a good state! Therefore do try and consider, for example, the cloth your clothes are made from, the human rights of the factories where they’re made and the green credentials of the clothes retailer. And endeavour to share, rather than discarding. Thanks!!!!
April 14th, 2010 at 03:03
Loved your analysis of this interesting idea. Saved and return for more good reading.
April 17th, 2010 at 08:41
My tears are falling as I read all the comments. I feel all your pain as I too learned our 16 yr old was already almost 6 months pregnant before the teacher called us with the devastating news. Where is the manual for dealing with this? We had swiftly dealt with the obvious needs — medical, nutrition, counseling, etc. looking for all that is available to her and to us. After 42 days I am still feeling raw emotionally. The rest of the family including her seem to have dealt with it and have moved on. What’s wrong with me? I too am waiting for the time when the wound heals. I have poured everything into helping her deal with this, I think I need my turn.
May 3rd, 2010 at 13:45
I feel for you all but as a grandmother to a beautiful 9-month old grandson, and parent to his 17-year old mom, I can tell you I wouldn’t trade this baby boy for anything in the world.
It is so devastating to watch their dreams and aspirations change, and yes they do. They have such grandiose ideas of how they are going to make every ambition come true, and then the baby comes and it is alot more than they expected. It’s not that it cannot be done, but they cannot fathom undertaking it all and doing it successfully.
The last nine months have been a Godsend in regards to Brayden. He is the most happy, inspirational and enjoyable part of my daily life – his mom, however is another story.
Our biggest challenge is the constant struggle between parenting a teen and allowing your teen to be a parent. I wish there was more information out there on how to let go, when to let go and how to handle the emotional stress of us when we let them both go. So if anyone has any insight or places to look for this, I am all ears.
May 4th, 2010 at 09:40
Thanks for your input Brenda! I think it’s different for every teen, knowing how and when to let go as a parent. And yes, it is a struggle parenting a teen while allowing your teen to be a parent. But I think since they made this decision to be a parent, I think then they should be ready to take on the responsibility of the being an adult as well. Yes, it will be tough, especially if they’re going to school and working. And yes, it usually makes them grow up real fast, but then again, hopefully it will make them make good decisions in the future and think about the consequences, before they make big decisions.
May 21st, 2010 at 23:31
I just found out my 15 year old daughter is pregnant. The father has cheated on her in the past and at 17 is about to join the navy. I do not want them together but I don’t want to deny my grandchild of knowing his/her father.
I am so worried about my babygirl, but I am also worried about her younger sister and older brother.
Will this tear our family apart?
May 27th, 2010 at 19:40
I have seen a ton of future grand mothers. I would like to give a point of view from a step father who has been treated like crap by my step child for years. She was always and “A” student and still is. She has done drugs, drank, had some sexual encounters, got pregnant and all this while at the ripe old age of 16. So now I have a disrespectful, lazy, pregnant 16 year old. Her last 3 boyfriends were in jail for one offense or another and this one had used her for a month before moving on to someone who she thought was a friend. Here is my take:
I will not have any financial or emotional attachment to her child. What the state can’t help her pay for she better have a friend that is willing. I work hard for my money that I not only spend on her but her brother and my son. I have drawn my line in the sand. She will graduate H.S. 2 months before her 19 birthday so I say to her mother she can stay under my roof until the summer following H.S. graduation then she is out. Not good enough for her mother who wants to continue to baby her, so I said you know what your out too, after having this 16 year relationship that is over too. Of course her father wants nothing to do with it. He is willing to be there for emotional support but not offer his money or house. I jst thoght everyone should hear the other side!
June 9th, 2010 at 15:34
My husband and I just found out his newly 15 year old is pregnant. She wants to keep the baby, she lives with her mom and 2 other kids. Financially her mom cant support another child. I dont feel comfortable bringing a pregnant teen into my house with my 3 daughters because they look up to their big sister and I feel that will influence them negatively. Am I wrong? I kno Im not ready to raise another child. We both feel that she is too young to have a baby, she doesnt even kno what an abdomen is. The boy and his mom thinks she should keep the baby and why not the baby wont be with them. Her grades have dropped and evrything is total chaos. We tried to avoid this by offering her to move with us before things got out of hand. Now what do we do.
July 29th, 2010 at 17:02
I am so frustrated and angry. My daughter is around 26 weeks pregnant and is 17 years old. She is completely immature, has refused to have anyone in authority over her, just refuses to follow rules, but in a very passive-aggressive way. I so want her to give her baby up for adoption to a family who could care for the child and take care of it so much better than she can at this point in her life. I also want her to have a chance to grow up and have something resembling normal for the next few years before having a family.
I also can’t help but feel like I am being forced to have a baby myself. I know its not my baby, but I have to take care of my daughter and by extension that means another baby in the house just when I thought I was getting close to being done with raising children. And its so unfair for her younger sister, who is 16 and responsible and mature, to have to deal with this as well. It effects the entire family.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter very much. I’m sure I will love this child, my grandchild, as well. I just don’t want to feel like I am having to raise another child myself. Then I feel selfish and awful for feeling this way. Its so hard. So very hard.
August 28th, 2010 at 11:58
This is a very long story. When I was 14 my parents got divorced,I chose to live with my mother and grandmother,we did not have alot of money,my Mom had to work 2 jobs to support us and was never home and I did not have a very good relationship with my step dad. I was so lonely and I fell into the wrong crowd,I started drinking and smoking pot. I was looking for love and was easily lured into sleeping with boys as I just wanted somebody to love me. I got pregnant at the age of 17,and was basically forced to have an abortion,I am ashamed of this life,but I can’t go back an change it. My mother would let our boyfriends spend the night at the house. My sister became pregnant at the age of 16. I met my current husband right before I turned 18,we are still happily marriend(thank the Lord) I had our daughter right after turning 21. She is now 18 and due in 1 month. We lived overseas and she was with this boy,they have known ea. other for 2 yrs,but had been dating for 5 months when it was time to relocate back to the states,I knew the move would be hard on her and so we let this young man move in with us,I didn’t want my baby girl to be heartbroken and I believe,as I’m proof myself that even young people can make it work. You might call me a hopeless romantic. Anyway,she had ran out of pills during the move,and I told her no sex,until we could find a Dr. and get her started on birth control again,well of course they didn’t listen and she got pregnant. My comment was you play,you pay. At first I was so angry,that they couldn’t control themselves,but my husband said whats done is done,he’s the calm one. So,she dropped out of her Jr yr of HS and got her GED and he is in the process of enlisting in the military. They both have the support of my husband and his parents. I can’t wait to hold our granddaughter and spoil her rotten. But,I can’t get rid of the guilt I feel,for being somewhat responsible for it. I guess I thought him living with us was okay,since that’s how I was raised,and I didn’t want her to be alone in a new place with no friends and heartbroken,at the same time if they would of controlled themselves she wouldn’t of gotten pregnant in the first place. My husband lived with me,and I didn’t get pregnant. I’m tired of people judging me and don’t know how to deal with this. I know a few grown women that got pregnant at 16&17. I hate feeling like a bad mother. I love our daughter so much and my granddaughter. But sometimes I think what if?